167. Why We Crave Connection: Unpacking Shared Experiences and Hidden Anger

How important are shared experiences to our development and happiness? 

In this episode, the hosts delve into the importance of shared experiences and how they contribute to personal satisfaction and happiness. The conversation naturally transitions into a discussion about the impact of past traumas and the critical role of forgiveness and letting go of anger for personal growth. They emphasize the importance of critically thinking about advice from others and understanding their intentions. The episode concludes with insights on the necessity of genuine interactions and the therapeutic nature of connecting with nature to find peace and introspection.

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Chapters

• 0:45 Exploring Shared Experiences
• 1:34 Personal Examples of Solitary vs. Shared Activities
• 8:02 The Balance Between Solitude and Socialization
• 13:35 The Impact of Isolation on Mental Health
• 29:41 The Influence of Technology on Socialization
• 40:07 The Weight of Anger
• 1:13:51 Forgiveness and Moving On
• 1:24:07 Confronting the Past
• 1:33:49 The Impact of Subconscious Memories
• 1:51:57 Humor and Healing
• 1:55:33 The Importance of Balance
• 2:05:04 Final Thoughts and Reflections

Transcript

[00:00:00] Dennis: On this week's episode, 

[00:00:01] Toliy: if you have meaningful people, I think in your life, that feeling becomes then like stronger of that shared experience. Yeah. It all revolves the thing around like people, why, 

[00:00:11] Mike: why is it like that? You have a mom, you have a dad, you have a wife, friends, you have friends, everyone. We all in everybody's ears and a lot of times, yes, we wish good for each other, but yeah, a lot of times we hand hug each other.

[00:00:22] Mike: That's right. We bully each 

[00:00:24] Eldar: other. It's a completely normal experience to finally clear our mind and say, you know what? Who the fuck am I? 

[00:00:30] Toliy: If you're by yourself, experience doesn't lead to wanting to have more experiences with others, then it was a bad experience. Yeah. Oh, that's a crazy quote.

[00:00:42] Eldar: Alright guys. Minnie, totally. You weren't here, uh, for the birth of the tonight's topic because we were at lunch when I was born. When birthed. 

[00:00:55] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[00:00:56] Eldar: Uh, and the topic is for tonight. I guess it's a question. How do I phrase it? Mike, maybe you can help me out. Why do we sometimes like to do things alone and why do we sometimes like to do things, uh, with friends or in the crowd or with others?

[00:01:15] Eldar: Right. And um, the bigger question I guess is, um,

[00:01:22] Eldar: how important are, I guess, shared experiences to our development? Maybe right to our happiness. Happiness, yeah. You know, and, uh, what is the difference? Right? And I'll break some examples. For example, um, my friend Joe, who listens to the podcast regularly can go to a movies by himself. 

[00:01:42] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:01:42] Eldar: Right? He's okay with being there by himself completely.

[00:01:45] Eldar: Yeah. I, I'm pretty sure I can go to the movies by myself and sit through a movie, but I never do it. I've never done that before. Mm-hmm. That's not something that, uh, I like to do. I like the movies, but we always go together. You know this Mike, right? 

[00:01:57] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:01:57] Eldar: Have you ever bought into the movies by yourself?

[00:01:59] Mike: No. 

[00:01:59] Eldar: No. Right. So some people can do it, some people can't do it. 

[00:02:03] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:02:03] Eldar: Right? Yeah. Uh, that's one example. Um, traveling, right. Um, I don't, I don't wanna travel by myself. 

[00:02:10] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:02:11] Eldar: I have nowhere to go by myself. Like, even though there's places I want to visit, right. Um, in the world. Mm-hmm. But I definitely want to have a shared experience with either my wife, my friends, you know, the better is if everybody goes right.

[00:02:26] Eldar: Mm-hmm. And kind of share that with, with everyone else. And I want to dig into it to find out why, why is that, why is this such a big difference between some people and others? Right. And what effect does it play on us Right. On our happiness, like you said. And, uh, is it somewhere lodged in where it's part of our development, the way we develop?

[00:02:43] Eldar: Mm-hmm. How did 

[00:02:44] Toliy: this topic give birth? 

[00:02:46] Eldar: And we were talking about 

[00:02:47] Eldar: it over lunch. 

[00:02:48] Eldar: Yeah. What, 

[00:02:49] Eldar: who, who said something about that? Tom? No, I, 

[00:02:54] Harris: we were talking about No, no, no, no, no. We were talking about my dad. Okay. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Dad. How 

[00:02:58] Eldar: he was getting jealous. That's right. He was getting jealous of you going on vacations with your friends.

[00:03:02] Eldar: Mm-hmm. That's right. And you are like, oh, why don't you go? And he said, oh, I'm not going by myself. Right. Or something like that. That Well, 

[00:03:07] Harris: he said, uh oh, no, no. I'm sorry. I don't have 

[00:03:09] Eldar: time. That's right. First he said he didn't have time, and then we deduce that it's not really time that he doesn't have.

[00:03:14] Eldar: Right. It's uh, he really doesn't have friends. No, he doesn't have like 

[00:03:18] Harris: a friend circle 

[00:03:18] Eldar: to 

[00:03:18] Harris: go with. He claims he has friends, but these friends he hasn't actually hung out with in Yeah. In a long time. Yeah. 

[00:03:25] Eldar: He claims they're friends, but they don't. Yeah. Yeah. So I have many, many of these types of examples where like, I wouldn't do these things on my own, but some people are completely okay with it.

[00:03:33] Eldar: Like today, for example, you went to a restaurant to sit and eat somewhere. Right. On your own. Like, I can do it, but I'll, I probably don't do it like for a reason, 

[00:03:42] Mike: but there's a distinction between like a restaurant and like a Sure. 

[00:03:45] Eldar: You go to Chipotle by itself, you're 

[00:03:47] Mike: not gonna feel weird for sure. 

[00:03:48] Eldar: Correct.

[00:03:49] Eldar: And usually it's like a takeout experience, right? Yeah. It's a quick and go kind of thing. Yeah. It's not like a sit down order, you know, and all this like Yeah. That's a different type of experience. It is. I know some people do it, they maybe treat themselves or whatever. Mm-hmm. And take themselves on a date.

[00:04:01] Eldar: Take. Yes. Yes. Our friend, uh, why are you trying to hold his hand again? Why are you gotta be gay, man? Are you serious? Yes. Take themselves on a date. Right. Some people travel along, you see this all the time. Mm-hmm. Right. Like kind of going, you know, you have a friend Right. That does this stuff by himself.

[00:04:19] Warren: Yeah. 

[00:04:19] Eldar: Right. I know you wouldn't do it. No. Right. Why is that? Uh, is there something specific that's lodged in there the way we are as people? Mm-hmm. Is there happiness involved here? Is it development? What is it and why? Yeah. Well, is it normal? Is it abnormal? I think what's the normal part about it? 

[00:04:37] Mike: Yeah.

[00:04:37] Mike: Yeah. I mean, like, I think it's, um, you've tried these things. Yeah. I've tried it. It's not, not for me, but like for me, I, I can tell you like, I get excited about certain things, like doing certain things. Right? 

[00:04:52] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:04:53] Mike: So the idea of it sounds good. I really want to go because I, like, I envision myself going there and having a good time.

[00:05:00] Mike: Yeah. Right. Yeah. But then, uh, sometimes, I mean, obviously I don't want to go alone. Right. 

[00:05:06] Eldar: Okay. So go, walk me through the process of you envisioning something that you go through. Like how do you, how does that go? 

[00:05:11] Mike: I think it's like, uh, I get hyped up. Okay. I get excited. What 

[00:05:16] Eldar: do you do? 

[00:05:17] Mike: Like, uh, probably like for, probably for like F1.

[00:05:19] Mike: That was like a huge thing that I really wanted to do. Okay. And I was willing to like maybe go alone. 

[00:05:24] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:05:24] Mike: But, um, yeah, I probably watched like a lot of, you know, Netflix documentaries, a lot of footage. Okay. A lot of race stuff, you know? 

[00:05:33] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:05:34] Mike: And then I get excited about going to the race, being live there.

[00:05:37] Mike: Right. Yeah. Um, getting to kind of get into the mix of the stuff. Yeah. You know, but, um. Um, what else? And but then when, as like, I'm obviously thinking about the process. I'm, I also think like, all right, I'm gonna go there. Yeah. And then I don't really know anybody. Yeah. So I have to like, talk to people. Yeah.

[00:06:00] Mike: Because like, I don't want to be like, also by myself. Yeah. Like go there for like two, three days kind of event. Yeah. And have nobody to like, uh, hang out with. Mm-hmm. That's also weird. But I'm also quick to make friends and, and I'm very social, so it's like, yeah. It's like, it's not that I can't, but it just like uhhuh.

[00:06:18] Mike: I don't know. It feels weird. Yeah. It feels weird. It feels weird for you. Yeah. Okay. Um, but also like, another part of it is like, I wanted to go and try like this, like the, uh, fancy experience, right? Mm-hmm. Which is like, you get into like the fancy areas, you get the back Yeah. Ip, whatever, the IP stuff you get to like, go into the garages.

[00:06:35] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:06:35] Mike: You know, but then I was like, yeah, but like, that's also weird. Mm-hmm. Because again, it's by itself, but also like, I'm not, like, I think a lot of people maybe, uh, I don't know if it, this is how it is, but my thought is like a lot of people go there just like to socialize and network and do like, you know Yeah.

[00:06:55] Mike: Kind of flex and show off kind of thing. Yeah. Um, I'm not sure if I'm going, I was going there for that. I. I don't, I didn't really think about it, but I'm also actually curious to see how the things work. Mm-hmm. How like the garage works, how the mechanics of it works. Okay. So I'm interested in that, but I also know that a lot of people, and this is like a fancy sport.

[00:07:12] Mike: Okay. A lot of people go there 'cause it's like a celebrity thing, you know? Mm-hmm. Like a flex. Yeah. You know, so part of me which had had that want to do that, but also part of me is interested in the mechanics of it and seeing like the background workings and things like that. So 

[00:07:26] Eldar: see that's a very interesting distinction between like, um, going there for maybe excitement and like sharing that with friends or whatever.

[00:07:33] Eldar: Mm-hmm. But then there's another educational maybe aspect mm-hmm. Where maybe some of your friends won't share. Yeah. Right. 'cause I could go there for the VV, it's fast races, it's cool, it crashes and shit like that. But I can't go there for like the nuts and bolts of the fucking wheel. 

[00:07:46] Mike: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:07:46] Eldar: That's you.

[00:07:46] Eldar: And I can, well, I'm talking about myself right now. Can you zip it? 

[00:07:51] Toliy: Yeah. And what, what do you mean that you can, 

[00:07:53] Eldar: oh, I do. 

[00:07:56] Eldar: He's a mechanic man. No, I, at heart, no, I was, no. Yeah. That was my, that was my goal. No. So 

[00:08:02] Eldar: what I'm saying is that, um, I think that the, if the journey is maybe, um. It's mostly educational.

[00:08:10] Eldar: Mm-hmm. I think you can go on it by yourself, but the thing is, but if the journey is the excitement and the fun Yeah. Like wow. Kind of thing. Yeah. I think that it is probably better to go with someone. 

[00:08:22] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:08:23] Eldar: Right. Because like, yeah. I, I can picture you zooming in on the wheel and thinking about the nuts and bolts of things mm-hmm.

[00:08:28] Eldar: And ask you questions about that kind of stuff. Right. By yourself. Mm-hmm. I cannot picture you like jumping up and down and like celebrating a race by yourself. No, it's not my thing. Yeah. You know what I like in UFC? Yeah. I wouldn't go to U FFC by myself. Yeah. I like UFC watching, but it's the fact that we are all going mm-hmm.

[00:08:43] Eldar: We saw the stories. Mm-hmm. And when we see knockouts or something happening live mm-hmm. I'm like, we're like cheering together or we're crying together. Yeah. Or we're like owing and wowing and we are hitting each other's shoulders together. Mm-hmm. Like that's the experience. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[00:08:55] Eldar: Like, I don't see myself going there and like tapping strangers on their shoulder. Like Yeah. You know, even though I can, even though like you, I can do it regardless. 

[00:09:04] Mike: You go and you're gonna make pe meet people and you're gonna make friends. Correct. Because you're sitting next to people even went to that one fight.

[00:09:09] Mike: Yeah. Right. Yeah. We were exciting. We were talking to other people, politicking and you were saying hi to the other people, like it was still mm-hmm. We still politic, but like. It just feels like a weird, it's not the same. It's not the same. Yeah. 

[00:09:20] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:09:21] Eldar: You're not going with like your people I guess. So I think there's a very specific dynamics that probably work at play here.

[00:09:25] Eldar: Maybe when Joe goes to the movies by himself. Yeah. He maybe watches the nuts and bolts. Yes. I think maybe, yeah. Where I'm going for the social, more of a social, the s and the Os and the Oohs and, and stuff like that about the whatever. Yeah. You know? 

[00:09:38] Mike: Yeah. But that's probably because, and maybe for the discussion afterwards as well, 

[00:09:42] Eldar: Uhhuh 

[00:09:42] Mike: right After, well you like, uh, maybe I'm interested, let's say in the Formula one and the mechanics of the car stuff.

[00:09:47] Mike: Mm-hmm. Right. Knowing how these things work. That's kind of where I geek out. For example, Joe Geeks out in movies. So maybe a place that you, where you geek out. Yeah. You may be more like, uh, you probably wouldn't go just like I probably wouldn't go. Yeah. But it would sound like a wor a better idea than doing like a movies on your own.

[00:10:03] Mike: I think the difference is the education part. Yeah. Yeah. Like, uh, if you found Somesh Tour about, I don't know, Egyptian pyramids or Yeah. Socrates like history, I don't know, philosophy stuff. Like some really nerdy, cool stuff. Yeah. Maybe it'd be cool, you know? Yeah. Versus like, for, for you, formula One, it's like, yeah, you don't, you may be interested a little bit, but it's like, yeah, you're not gonna be interested as much as maybe I am in understanding the logistics of how things work, and, 

[00:10:31] Eldar: but 

[00:10:31] Mike: because 

[00:10:32] Eldar: of, but because of the fact that we're dynamic creatures 

[00:10:34] Eldar: mm-hmm.

[00:10:35] Eldar: I'm not sure if one can live with one one versus the other. And like, it's, it's, there has to be a balance. There has to be a balance of both. You can't just geek out and not share, right? Mm-hmm. Because maybe you come across certain things like, about the pyramid, or I come across something about the pyramid, or it's like I check this out.

[00:10:50] Eldar: Like I still wanna share that I still wanna share with somebody. I still wanna bounce off the excitement. I still wanna Yeah. Give that to someone to hold. Of course. And for them to also, 'cause totally, for example, if I tell him certain things about whatever the, the world life mm-hmm. Ufc. Mm-hmm. He'll ask questions like through his own perspective.

[00:11:06] Eldar: Mm-hmm. And I want that. Mm-hmm. And I think that's the social aspect of like, you know, friendship and mm-hmm. And bonding and doing things together where, you know, going ghost hunting with Harris, like, that's not our shit. Mm-hmm. But nonetheless, there's a lot of questions to be asked. Yeah. I'm sure that he's like willing to like, answer them.

[00:11:22] Eldar: Yeah. He's excited because he's excited about it. Yeah. And the experience becomes more enriched. Mm-hmm. That way. Mm-hmm. Well think about, well we, but he doesn't go ghost hunting by himself. 

[00:11:31] Eldar: It's always a bad idea, man. Say, well, that's because you're a pussy too. No, it's not a pussy, bro. 

[00:11:36] Harris: Yeah, it's not a good idea because then you're extremely vulnerable.

[00:11:40] Harris: Oh, to the ghost eating your dick. No, it's, 

[00:11:42] Harris: it's, it's not even the ghost. They go seeding your, you can have a 

[00:11:47] Eldar: dark, dark presence there and then Yeah, they can attach, they go from the poop, poop of shafter. They can attach and basically arm you and attach, attach 

[00:11:56] Toliy: and what, what if, in which way do they attach from 

[00:11:59] Harris: the 

[00:11:59] Toliy: rare wait?

[00:12:01] Toliy: And you, if you have a second person there, it like protects you. 

[00:12:04] Harris: Well, there's someone there in case shit goes south. And what would they 

[00:12:08] Toliy: be able to 

[00:12:08] Harris: do? Get you the fuck out of there. Yeah. What do you think separate you from the situation? They'll grab you if you're there. There. So how do you know if somebody, if you're there, 

[00:12:15] Harris: right.

[00:12:15] Harris: Attacked by a dark, if you're there by yourself 

[00:12:18] Harris: Right. And something attaches to you, something starts fucking with you, a spirit starts fucking with you. Yeah. You're not physically like there. You're, then you start to zone out, you start to mm-hmm. You know, get pissed and all this other shit. You need someone there that can separate you from the actual place Okay.

[00:12:38] Harris: And get you the fuck out. Fine, fine. Let's not, 

[00:12:41] Eldar: let's not, let's not, um, go too far away from the topic. Well, may I was just answering the question. Yes. 

[00:12:45] Mike: I wanted to, uh, say something. What's it called? This, we, we just started this recently, two months ago, whatever. Rock climbing. Yeah. You see how like social it is.

[00:12:56] Mike: It is very social. You see how it is, but it's not just social. Like just the puppies there, like to B us Yeah. But this geeing out thing. Yeah. We are over there. All people being nerds about not, it's not a physical thing. Yeah. It's a mental, we're all trying to crack these routes. Correct. Which is, that's the education part, figuring out the nuts and bolts of how to climb this route.

[00:13:13] Mike: Yeah. And, and you see, everybody's always helpful. Everybody always like willing, supportive. Supportive, asking for advice. 

[00:13:20] Eldar: And then they even start, start cheering for you like you are a stranger, but they, they see that you're struggling. Yeah. They see that you want to do it, you get it done. And they're like, yo, do it.

[00:13:26] Eldar: Do it. They start helping you out and stuff like that. And they even like, 

[00:13:29] Mike: yeah. 

[00:13:30] Eldar: So 

[00:13:30] Mike: I think they're there for you. Again, it's probably something that's innate in us. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I think 

[00:13:35] Toliy: it's, it, it, it to, to me it seems like, um, like, uh, like doing things on your own than like a, like a long-term way I think, or like is is is closer to like mental illness.

[00:13:49] Toliy: Oh my God. Then like, um, 

[00:13:51] Mike: them, he wasn't gonna hold back you. Yeah. I don't 

[00:13:55] Toliy: like, I don't think, like, it's not a sustainable way. Like if, if you find. From doing things on your own consistently, um, and you actually go outta your way to continue to do them. I like, I think there's some kind of like a 

[00:14:12] Mike: glitch 

[00:14:13] Toliy: Yeah.

[00:14:13] Toliy: Issue there. But 

[00:14:14] Mike: I think what you're, what you're saying, like, yeah, that's a, you use the word mental illness and I agree. I think people who are more social, they've had probably some relationships where they couldn't navigate them in a healthy way. Mm. And they just like became such a drift from that.

[00:14:28] Mike: Yeah. Like, okay. Gotta isolate themselves. Isolate themselves. But it's more like you start, like, you always blame people Yeah. For things that are happening in your relationship. You don't take accountability and then you just have this thing of like, look, it's very funny by what came to mind. You remember this for sure.

[00:14:45] Mike: Uhhuh and who else? Oh, Nate is like this. He's like, always feels like everybody's out to get him. I was gonna say Gus. Yeah. You remember the stuff that Gus used? Say? Yeah. This guy, bro. He's doing it on purpose. Yeah. He's doing like, bro, he's just fucking driving his car. Yeah. Like, nobody's doing anything to you on purpose, bro.

[00:14:58] Mike: Nobody gives a fuck. Yeah. That's the in illness where you think that everybody's out to get, you think like people, you start setting up these invisible b 

[00:15:05] Eldar: uh, boundaries almost. Yeah. Yeah. Right? And you start pushing people away and isolating yourself. Well, yeah. Because you, there's a whole movement on this where it's like, remove the negative people in your life Yeah.

[00:15:13] Eldar: And all this other crap. Yeah. To something you sure. But, but yeah. But I think a prolonged period of isolation and, and doing stuff on your own. Yeah. It's more of like, maybe you're getting stuck to maybe, I mean, it's 

[00:15:24] Toliy: like the desire, like if you do this kind of stuff on your own, first off, you like, um.

[00:15:30] Toliy: Start over and start fresh every time. Right. Like wherever that you go, people don't know you, they don't know who you are, how you act. Yeah. So like you have a permanence of like these, like per, like these permanent long-term, um, surface level relationship of these people that you, you know, either maybe see, let's say once every six months Yeah.

[00:15:48] Toliy: Or three months or something where like Yeah, everybody just knows each other maybe on the very like, Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Like level. Mm-hmm. And then like, like you keep yourself away from any kind of like a connection. Yeah. Well, well connection, but real connection, but also like criticism, because a real connection comes with criticism.

[00:16:04] Toliy: Yeah. Like if you go somewhere, like Yeah. Like on your own anywhere you could be whoever you want 

[00:16:10] Eldar: you are. Right. And most of the time you are only experiencing this surface level politeness, right? Mm-hmm. PC like politically correct. 

[00:16:18] Toliy: Yeah. But so, so it's behavior like, to me it's like a protection, like, it, it's like a, like a self-protection for yourself because you don't wanna be like, like in any kind of like vulnerable potential state with others.

[00:16:32] Toliy: Mm-hmm. You know? So like, you do this like more like solo thing. 

[00:16:36] Harris: So you think this is what's going on with my dad, man. Is he, he had some bad, uh, well, it sounds like he's a little bit of a social retard, but, Hmm. That's okay. He used to talk about, oh, back in my day, my partying days and all this shit, you know, I wouldn't, I don't, I wouldn't, you know, change anything for the world, you know?

[00:16:54] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:16:54] Harris: It's a great fucking times. I'm looking at him now, like, what the fuck are you doing now? You know? Maybe. Yeah. I think 

[00:17:01] Toliy: probably people who say, who talk like that and say like that, they probably regret everything. 

[00:17:06] Harris: Yeah. He goes, I wouldn't regret a world I got to party with my brother before he died, you know, at to party with my friends have a lot of stories.

[00:17:14] Harris: Yeah. Like he relives all those 

[00:17:15] Eldar: stories. He doesn't create 

[00:17:16] Eldar: nuance. 

[00:17:17] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:17:18] Eldar: That's a good point. I think a lot of the times, right, we have individuals who've like retracted themselves to themselves. Right? Yeah. Uh, and then they reminiscent only on the stuff that happened before. Yeah. Yeah. And like, it's a cool memory lane sometimes, but I see them get stuck almost with that kind of mm-hmm.

[00:17:34] Eldar: Level of like, 

[00:17:35] Harris: yeah, this is, it gets kind of annoying, right? Yeah. Because he says the same stories Yes. Over and over again. Yeah. And he forgets, he told me these stories. Yeah. Like, did I tell you about the time, uh, I spent the night in the tombs like that? Yeah. You told me the story like fucking 10 times.

[00:17:48] Harris: Yeah. 

[00:17:49] Eldar: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

[00:17:50] Harris: Oh, well he goes on to explain 

[00:17:52] Eldar: it anyway, which I think if we, you know, thought about this phenomenon a little bit more, I think it's probably a level of protection that protects you. Yeah. Right? Where it's like, hey, like maybe you're not so happy with the moment that you have now. Mm-hmm.

[00:18:03] Eldar: Maybe you don't have friends or whatever. Yeah. But you at least can reminiscent on some of the stuff that happened before and your memory is protecting you. 

[00:18:09] Harris: Yeah. But even when you tell him like that, you told me this before, he'll go on to tell you the story anyway. Mm-hmm. He is a 

[00:18:14] Eldar: rambler. 

[00:18:15] Harris: Yeah. 

[00:18:15] Eldar: He lost his mind.

[00:18:18] Eldar: Hmm. So that's okay. That's part of it. 

[00:18:21] Harris: But. He, he would tell me like, yeah, you're going to Bermuda again, a place for a second time. A place I've never been like, he keeps saying this. Yeah. And it's like, take Peggy, dude. Go. 

[00:18:32] Eldar: Yeah. I can't take off work like that. It's always an excuse. Yeah. 

[00:18:39] Eldar: Uh, the reason why he has excuses is because he doesn't really wanna do 

[00:18:41] Eldar: it.

[00:18:42] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[00:18:44] Eldar: He doesn't wanna leave home. Well, he doesn't really wanna do it. If Peggy said, Hey, you know, let's go here. No. If Peggy forced him to do it, you'll do it. Well, he, 

[00:18:55] Eldar: it's a different conversation when it comes to her, that type of relationship. '

[00:18:58] Harris: cause when she went to Florida, he is like, I'm gonna go, you know, I wanna be with Peggy.

[00:19:02] Harris: I miss her. 

[00:19:02] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:19:04] Eldar: Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah. So, um,

[00:19:11] Eldar: it's essential what, as part of us 

[00:19:15] Eldar: what Yeah, I think the, the, the sharing right. These moments and really, it's really bouncing yourself off of your friends. Mm-hmm. And the people that you care about. The people that care for you. Right. Some of the things that you are experiencing. Mm-hmm. Be it, whatever.

[00:19:28] Eldar: Yeah. Formula one, ghosting, ghost hunting, I don't know, gardening or something else. You know, whatever off the people that I. Can also hold that information. Mm-hmm. And give some, give some feedback. Mm-hmm. And really start seeing the world through your lens for that moment. And I think that's what we crave.

[00:19:44] Eldar: And I think that's what we are. Uh, it's a form of brain. I keep coming back to that. I don't know why he got stuck mm-hmm. In my head. But it's form of us trying to brainwash one another into our own things. Right. Like Harris is trying to tell us about his experiences about ghost hunting. Mm-hmm. Right. He wants to convince us of it, you know, he's trying to brainwash into it.

[00:20:00] Eldar: Yeah. You know what I mean? Whether or not he is doing a good job at it or not is a different question. Mm-hmm. But nonetheless, that's an attempt. Right? Yeah. And there's a very specific reason why that these things are, these 

[00:20:10] Harris: attempts. You, you have even admitted you wanna a little bit, you have to admit a little bit that you wanna know what's on the other side.

[00:20:18] Harris: Man. I do. You want, you wanna know if it's real. You wanna know if something's 

[00:20:24] Eldar: there. But you gotta said, I don't have the same 

[00:20:25] Eldar: type of desire. No. Right. I don't have the same amount of hours. But 

[00:20:29] Harris: you have, you, you have curiosity towards it. 

[00:20:30] Eldar: No. Well, maybe a very small bit. Not like it's minute in comparison to maybe yours, but I'm gonna tell you right now, if I do get curious about it, mine will lap yours by a thousand times.

[00:20:41] Eldar: 'cause I think that you're a lazy ghost hunter. 

[00:20:43] Eldar: Huh? Huh? What'd you say? I think you're a lazy ghost hunter. A lazy ghost hunter? Yeah. Mm-hmm. What do you mean you're just lazy in general? You're lazy. I actually go to places, man. 

[00:20:54] Eldar: Yeah. But that's like, why not here now, there, you know? Mm-hmm. I, we went to a place Okay.

[00:21:01] Eldar: For your birthday? Mm-hmm. Okay. I had to point out to you that we were in the most hunted town that had a Poltergeist house that had history, and the only house that was deemed by the government legally hunted 

[00:21:21] Eldar: Well of, and you did not know this fact. First of all, you know what that tells me? You know where I, you're lazy.

[00:21:25] Eldar: You know where I get my, uh, and I was 

[00:21:27] Eldar: trying to make you a birthday, like a, a special 

[00:21:29] Eldar: one. You know where I 

[00:21:29] Harris: get my, uh, information from? Mm. 

[00:21:32] Toliy: Chrispy 

[00:21:33] Harris: No. What? Crispy doesn't know anything. That shit. Uh, no. I get it from like, uh, other ghost hunters that investigated places. 

[00:21:41] Eldar: Yeah, exactly. How come you didn't get that information, that time you support?

[00:21:46] Eldar: Everywhere you go, you supposed to Google stuff. 'cause no 

[00:21:48] Harris: one has, it's a privately owned house. It's not open to the public. So what, you know, uh, Zach Bacon's never investigated there. Exactly. Because he's lazy. He's investigated over a hundred police. So what, he doesn't, didn't investigate that one.

[00:22:03] Harris: Specific. If I didn't have, like if I had the funds Yeah. Every weekend I'd go somewhere. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, 

[00:22:09] Eldar: no. You wouldn't. Yes I would. No, you 

[00:22:10] Eldar: wouldn't. 

[00:22:11] Toliy: Wait. What? What do you mean? What funds do you have? Yeah. To have to go somewhere to go, go something. How much does it tell you to like other states like 

[00:22:18] Harris: that I know or haunted.

[00:22:19] Harris: Like I want to go, 

[00:22:20] Toliy: have you exhausted all the places in, uh, New Jersey? 

[00:22:24] Harris: I have not. I need permission for some of them. What am I gonna do? Just knock on the door and be like, Hey, can I come in? 

[00:22:29] Eldar: How come you, how come you don't? How, how come you don't, uh, use creative measures to do it? Like what? Like writing a letter, like writing a letter and dropping it in.

[00:22:36] Eldar: Hey, I'm, I'm an avid ghost hunter. My name is Travis. I'd like to investigate your property. I would love to investigate this. Will we make me happy and give 'em the reasons why and why you should do it. You don't do this kind of stuff. You don't do. I never thought of that. Well, you see, I, I, what I'm saying is that if I get a smidget of becoming curious about this field of yours, I'm telling you I'm gonna lap you by a thousand times.

[00:22:57] Harris: Hey, you think I can get one of, uh, your writers to write the letter from me? Make it professional 

[00:23:03] Eldar: if you ask nicely. Yes. So, yeah. So get back to this point. So this is, is this actually essential for our, for us, for ourselves, for our development, and then to be happy, the sharing of the experiences? Yeah. I think 

[00:23:17] Mike: the big part of the, uh, big part of it is, um, for development.

[00:23:22] Mike: That part is the people who don't like, who do it, who kind of stay away from people, like with a, like a, Joe does the movies on his own. Yeah. But he's a very social guy. Yeah. There's people who are just, they do a lot of stuff alone, but they're not very social. Right? Mm-hmm. And they have, they're weary of other people.

[00:23:41] Mike: And I think that is like, uh, that what that does is like a pause and development, I think in that, because it's like, at least the way I think about it initially, I don't know if it's true, but it's you saying that, hey, it's very hard to be in relationships and friendships. Mm-hmm. You know? Because the risks you faced, you never wanted to take accountability for it.

[00:24:03] Mike: Mm. You know? Yeah. You're just like, uh, like Gus, you know, he completely like, stopped talking to me. There was nothing that happened. Yeah. Yeah. This is normal pattern for him. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like, uh, he just got upset, you know? Mm-hmm. He held a grudge. Yeah. I was like, these kind of, this kind of thing. I guess people holding grudges is normal.

[00:24:22] Mike: Yeah. And that's it. Like it's, uh, because you don't want to say, Hey, you know what? I was part of the reason. Yeah. We had like a misunderstanding or you don't wanna work past it, which is fine. Yeah. You know, you know, everybody has a choice what they wanna do, but 

[00:24:39] Toliy: Yeah. Think it's impossible to have long-term relationships and not be able to admit wrong.

[00:24:44] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:24:45] Toliy: Like, it's just impossible. Yeah. How can you have a long-term relationship with someone and Yeah. Not be able to be wrong about something. Yeah. You're bound to be in conflict 'cause then you're going to assume that you're gonna bat a thousand every time. Yeah. And then the other person's always going to say like, oh yeah, actually did they did wrong.

[00:25:02] Toliy: Like, you, you, you'll have to have like a pushover 

[00:25:05] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:25:05] Toliy: For that to happen. Um, oh yeah. But, um, I, I, I was, I was also thinking that like any, like significant or like big or like, um, like whatever is followed or like done trend, like any, anything. In the world is like, um, like, like involves like a group of people or like a shared experience.

[00:25:32] Eldar: Hmm. 

[00:25:33] Toliy: Like what's the biggest things in the world? For example, like social media apps, right? 

[00:25:38] Eldar: Yeah. Like, 

[00:25:39] Toliy: okay, what if you can never comment like, or see like, like if they remove all of that interaction, there was a conversation. 

[00:25:45] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:25:45] Toliy: And it would be dead. Uh, religion, right? Religion is like worldwide, probably like the most popular thing, right?

[00:25:52] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:25:52] Toliy: Um, all that is like all c community and group based. Yeah. You, you like Yeah. Go to places of worship where others together are doing things all together. Yeah. Like you, I don't know, look at stuff online, like you, like there, there's so much person to person interaction and like, balancing off there.

[00:26:10] Toliy: Right? Like any like movement, like sporting events. Mm-hmm. Right? Like there's, um, not only is there in person like of availability for all these things, but there's shows developed around them where people like, um, like, uh, like radio stations where you can call in, where you can listen. 

[00:26:27] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:26:28] Toliy: Uh, where people can comment.

[00:26:29] Toliy: There's shows on TV where you see people do and like, comment and say, you want to hear what others say. Or like, like for example, like me, like I played Wow. For like 10 plus years, like on and off. Right. And like, the only time I'm like very into it is when I'm playing with like a good group of people.

[00:26:48] Toliy: Yeah. And we're all always on discord talking. So like, sure. I could be playing Wow. Alone. I'm not playing alone ever. Yeah. Like I always am talking to people while playing. Yeah. And then when I get out of it is when like, the group of people I'm playing with no longer play and then just, it's not like fun anymore.

[00:27:04] Toliy: Right. So like yeah. Anything that is big in the world all involves like, like, uh, like that that guy said in that movie, uh, happiness is only real. Right. When, when, when shared. Shared. 

[00:27:17] Eldar: Yeah. You know? So that's an interesting phenomenon actually. Yeah. 

[00:27:20] Toliy: Yeah. So like you, you have to be able to share that happiness and like, if, if you have meaningful people, I think in your life, then like, it, um, like that, that feeling becomes then like, um, stronger of, of that shared experience, you know?

[00:27:36] Toliy: Um, but yeah, it all revolves the thing around like people 

[00:27:42] Eldar: why, like why is it like that? And why do we have moments when we are actually in isolation? 'cause there's plenty of times where, where people do isolate themselves prolonged period of time. And I'm not sure that it's sustained. Right. And if it is sustained, it might develop, you know, into maybe, but, but I think it depends on what 

[00:27:59] Toliy: you mean.

[00:27:59] Toliy: Like, for example, like, like, like study. Well, yeah. Okay. But then, but I, I feel like, for example, like you could be home alone, but then you could be on like spaces, you could be on clubhouse, you could be on social media. You're, you're actually not alone actually. Okay. Right. Yeah. If I told you remove all of that.

[00:28:16] Toliy: See how much time you're gonna spend alone. 

[00:28:18] Eldar: Yeah. Okay. When you're 

[00:28:18] Toliy: act like actually alone means that like, yeah. You can't bounce your thoughts or like you mm-hmm. You can't listen to anybody, like, you have no interaction with like living or like a being alone, like a thing, you know, means 

[00:28:30] Harris: to go to Joe's cabin without any devices and just sit there.

[00:28:35] Toliy: Yeah. Like a, like if you have internet, if you have a phone 

[00:28:38] Harris: Yeah. 

[00:28:39] Toliy: Like a smartphone, right? Yeah. Like, you're always with someone pretty much, right? Because like, you can always watch things, do the things like, um, it's different. 

[00:28:49] Eldar: Yeah. But even then, I, I think that probably, uh, on a social, social media aspect, it's not a, maybe a real genuine connection.

[00:28:58] Toliy: Well, yeah. Well then, then it comes down to like, how are you using that? Right? Yeah. Like, yes, you could be correct for some people, like Yeah. Those online communities and those online things, are their friends like, like, yeah. Fake. This is what they Yeah. Feel like they have, yeah. This is what they're cap capable of, right?

[00:29:14] Toliy: Mm-hmm. Um, like, um, yeah. Oh, oh, like, I know like, this is big in like the, like the sales world for example, on like LinkedIn and all this stuff, all these people chatting about all these like strategies and challenges Yeah. Different things and like, yeah. Doing this or that, or like, um, yeah, like they're all about the community aspect of it, like mm-hmm.

[00:29:39] Toliy: Like, like it's all about. 

[00:29:41] Mike: But, but there's also like the, the, I don't know if it's real, but I heard about like, uh, the unhealthy side of social media too, where kids from a young age, they kind of like, so in the, in their phones, they forget how to actually socialize. Like in a 

[00:29:54] Eldar: bro, I told you every time I, I I, I pass by or observe younger generation talking to themselves to each other.

[00:30:01] Eldar: Mm-hmm. I don't understand what they're saying. Mm-hmm. I'm like, what is being said? And how are they talking? Mm. Because they almost talk like in these like weird coded memes and ways and things like that. Riddles. Yeah. It's like these little riddles Mm. That you almost have to solve, but in order to solve them, you had to be like going through whatever social media era that they went through.

[00:30:21] Eldar: Yeah. Mm-hmm. The memes that they saw. Yeah. In order to understand what the fuck they saying. Mm-hmm. You see, 

[00:30:26] Harris: it's like code language that can also be the parent's fault. Right. Because I, I actually asked John and Brittany, I said, you know, why did you get Mikayla and iPad when she's fucking three years old?

[00:30:40] Harris: Right. And what authority do 

[00:30:42] Eldar: you have in order to ask that question 

[00:30:43] Eldar: in the first place? Well, I'm asking like, why would she? No. What do you mean you are asking? I just wanted to know what authority do you have? Hey man, 

[00:30:47] Eldar: I'm the uncle. Okay. That's okay. 

[00:30:49] Harris: I'm just gonna state this. I have a Right, I'm 

[00:30:51] Eldar: backing off.

[00:30:51] Eldar: Now I have a right to ask the question. You have the right, like, why would you get it? Like, what does she need an iPad for? Even if it comes with a bad attitude. Well, no, I, I mean, you don't know why, 

[00:31:01] Toliy: like, like you actually don't know why. 

[00:31:04] Harris: They go, well, well, it keeps her entertained. Exactly. 

[00:31:07] Toliy: That's why. Yeah.

[00:31:08] Toliy: Yeah. But when you have two tired parents, get her on a toy, you know? Listen, what you saying whatcha talking about like, when you have two tired parents that like one, like don't know to properly raise kids to begin with are like constantly exhausted, constantly struggling. Like financially stressed out mentally.

[00:31:25] Toliy: Yeah. Stressed out a bunch of shit. These devices are like gold for parents because you could just like, like when you have like a, like a kid, right? Especially when they're young. Like, like you have to do everything. Like for them you have to plan everything out. You have to, like, you're, they're very much dependent on you.

[00:31:43] Toliy: That's part of being 

[00:31:43] Harris: a parent. 

[00:31:44] Toliy: Yeah. They're very much dependent on, on, on you. And if you could spend a, a few hundred dollars on a device that will keep this kid still not crying, not yelling, not complaining, not, not, not, not, not like doing shit for 30 or 60 minutes at the time or more. 

[00:32:02] Eldar: Great. 

[00:32:03] Toliy: Then it's great.

[00:32:03] Toliy: And then if you could, and, and, and then fortunately for, for, for that parent, um, a lot of these like shows and stuff like that, they're like, they're, they're probably designing a very like, like addictive and like entertaining way in comparison to like playing with like plastic toys. Yeah. But is that 

[00:32:20] Harris: healthy?

[00:32:20] Toliy: Right? Well, well, that's a different question. Well, yeah. Mm-hmm. That's a different question you asked, I think why you do it. He's 

[00:32:25] Eldar: answering the why part. Yeah, I, I get it because did it, I, I get that. But is that healthy? Okay, so look, check this out. Right. Um. Maybe Yes. For that specific family. Mm-hmm. I think it's a subjective question, then that kid is 

[00:32:39] Harris: gonna 

[00:32:40] Eldar: get addicted to these devices.

[00:32:42] Eldar: Okay. How about this? Right. Instead. Right. What if you said on the other side of this coin, right, is the fact that if they didn't have these devices or the privilege to have these devices, they would've experienced their parents fighting all the time. Mm. 

[00:32:56] Toliy: Or their parents die in five years. Now they don't have a parent because they're so stressed out, handling all of those scenarios versus they can take a nap or they can relax for a bit.

[00:33:04] Toliy: Yeah. You see, I understand that. 

[00:33:06] Eldar: So you can't really answer that question. Mm-hmm. Right? I mean, generally you can maybe deduce certain things that it's like, look, is it better that if, you know, they took them to the zoo, right. To, you know, a park, you know, all these other things. Yes. Probably. Right. I look, I look, but I'm gonna tell you right now, and I think that there's a good reason as to why you asked this question because we can transition, uh, this topic towards acceptance right after.

[00:33:30] Harris: Well, I look at this, right? Yeah. As my childhood. Right? There you go. I did not get even a flip phone That's right. Until I was in fourth grade and look at the way you turned out. All right. Yeah. I'm just stating I had. I was outside all the time with friends. Right. I was gonna, the sports complex, I was playing outside, setting 

[00:33:48] Eldar: fires and getting 

[00:33:49] Harris: cops called on you.

[00:33:49] Harris: First 

[00:33:49] Harris: of all that 

[00:33:50] Harris: everyone 

[00:33:51] Harris: that's part of it. No, 

[00:33:52] Harris: everyone does stupid shit. Okay, cool. But you, I didn't kill anyone. Okay, fine. Oh, okay. Um, but you know, yeah, I sure I got into some trouble. Right. Okay. But I made memories with my friends. Uhhuh. I'm not on, I wasn't on the game system all the time. Yeah. Uh, I wasn't crossing the street while looking at my smartphone.

[00:34:11] Harris: Mm-hmm. Uh, you know, I wasn't doing any of that shit. Okay. You know, and the way I look at it is I look at my, what's gonna happen to them if they're staring at their screens? I'm looking at my nieces and nephews, right? Yeah. And I look at them and I'm like, damn, they're gonna miss out on a lot of fucking shit.

[00:34:26] Harris: What? Like they're gonna miss out on a lot of memories they can make with their friends and all this. Who told you that? 

[00:34:30] Toliy: Yeah. Who like that. That crazy. You seen this gener? Have you, 

[00:34:34] Harris: have you seen this generation? Who cares? They're addicted to this shit. So what? But so what? 

[00:34:41] Eldar: They have their own language.

[00:34:42] Eldar: They have their own world. Right. Which they are experiencing and sharing and they're doing it together. Right. I think that what we're talking about here is trying to understand as to why we do it together. For what reason? Why are we such social creatures that we need to share these experiences together?

[00:34:58] Eldar: Well, let's just human, human nature. Right? So then there you go. So aren't they just following what the order is 

[00:35:05] Eldar: of human nature? Huh? 

[00:35:08] Harris: I guess I don't agree with the way things are done now, but why? Remember 

[00:35:14] Toliy: the thing that we, I had a, but you're also judging it as like a, like a bad thing. Why? Like what, what, what is like, like how are you making a bad judgment on it?

[00:35:24] Toliy: Like, I don't understand. 

[00:35:26] Eldar: Well, because he's judging it because he's, he's saying that his childhood was better than their childhood. 

[00:35:31] Harris: Yeah. Was out with friends. I was doing your opinion, 

[00:35:34] Harris: all this stuff. 

[00:35:35] Eldar: We play baseball, we go to the sports complex, so we do all this shit. So 

[00:35:38] Toliy: what, you can have plenty of friends online and play video games and 

[00:35:41] Eldar: then you ended up in the shelter anyway, so like, yeah.

[00:35:43] Eldar: Great. 

[00:35:44] Toliy: Yeah. 

[00:35:46] Eldar: I still had a fun 

[00:35:46] Harris: childhood outside of the house. I would also say that playing 

[00:35:49] Toliy: video games is like men mentally like, stimulating and like, um, uh, challenging 

[00:35:56] Eldar: and 

[00:35:57] Eldar: can, can, can also facilitate your development. 

[00:35:59] Eldar: Yeah. It could also, you know, create you into a school shooter is what you're trying to say.

[00:36:05] Eldar: No. Like, 

[00:36:06] Harris: you 

[00:36:07] Eldar: know, it can 

[00:36:08] Harris: also ruin your development. 

[00:36:11] Eldar: Yeah. But so everything. Yeah. But soaking everything. Right? It's how you engage it. Right? The, at the end of the day, what I think is happening, Harris, at least for you or your challenge, um, next challenge in your life is to be able to see things a little bit more clear and not judge them before you actually, uh, explore what's actually going on behind the scenes and behind everything.

[00:36:33] Eldar: Right? Mm-hmm. I know you had a problem where you said that like, look, I'm still mad at my dad. Biological My father. Yeah, your biological dad. And I said, why? 

[00:36:40] Eldar: I don't call him dad. I call him father. Father, sorry. Okay. Is he a he or she or they, so I, I made sure I don't make that mistake. He can be whatever the hell you want.

[00:36:48] Eldar: Okay, fine. They're there or they don't care. 

[00:36:50] Eldar: They don't care. Okay. 

[00:36:50] Eldar: I don't care. 

[00:36:51] Eldar: Alright. And you said, Hey, look at the way he was as a father. Right. And what was my challenge to you? 

[00:36:58] Eldar: He 

[00:36:59] Eldar: did the best he could. 

[00:37:00] Eldar: And 

[00:37:00] Eldar: you said, wait, what? 

[00:37:01] Harris: Yeah, how? 'cause I'm like, you know, he was a deadbeat, he was abusive. He was a drunk.

[00:37:05] Harris: Yeah. You know, 

[00:37:07] Eldar: but he was trying to do his best with what he had or how he was brought up. And then you started tracking back and said, actually, yeah, maybe he did try to do his best. Yeah. Because it was 

[00:37:15] Harris: all things set up for 

[00:37:16] Eldar: failure. The fall failure. Yeah. Yeah. Right. His parents were fucked up. Right. That relationship was bad.

[00:37:21] Eldar: No mother in the house. No. There you go. No mother in the house. What, what 

[00:37:23] Toliy: Like, so like we, sorry. No, go ahead. Just wanted to mention, we, we, we had a whole episode on like parenting and like, uh, like bringing kids into his world and I mean like 

[00:37:35] Harris: Yeah. But he wasn't here. We were talking about the parents that raised us.

[00:37:38] Toliy: No, he wasn't here. You weren't here for, for this episode. I was 

[00:37:42] Harris: here for parent our parenting episode. 

[00:37:45] Eldar: We did a parenting episode. We did years ago. A lot of times. No, no. There was recent ones as well. He was here for that. 

[00:37:51] Toliy: Yeah. Yeah. So like, there, like you're set up for in, in, in like a way for like most, more, more likely to fail based on like you being brought into this world in general because.

[00:38:05] Toliy: Your parents are going to struggle in different ways. 

[00:38:09] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:38:09] Toliy: So like, like parents have to work. What kind of attention are they going to like provide to you? Yeah, but he, what kind of resources that doesn't, 

[00:38:17] Harris: that doesn't amount to him Because first of all, he wasn't in my life at all. Sure. 

[00:38:23] Eldar: But you still, 

[00:38:24] Eldar: that's the thing.

[00:38:24] Eldar: You still holding a level of like accountability. It's not accountability. I'm holding a lot of anger. Anger, you're right. Yeah. You want to kind of hold something or someone accountable here. Right. For the shit. And I can't even go to a 

[00:38:34] Harris: grave a fucking spit on it because there's no grave. You wanted to piss on it.

[00:38:38] Harris: I wanted to spit on it. 

[00:38:39] Eldar: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But you, you realize or understand my challenge. I do. Right. He was set up front without really knowing, like, if your dad was alive and we sat him down here at whatever age that he was, 41, 42 or 43 or whatever. Mm-hmm. And say, Hey, what's going on? I think that if you questioned him, you quickly find out that he was struggling.

[00:39:01] Eldar: He didn't do it on purpose. Like, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. He tried his best and life turned out the way it did. You know what I mean? Obviously the jury's still out on you mm-hmm. On John, on your mom and everyone else that's still living, right. To see how you guys make out. 

[00:39:17] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:18] Eldar: But I asked you the question, are you trying your best?

[00:39:20] Warren: I am. 

[00:39:21] Eldar: You know what? But to me and totally from where we're sitting, you're not trying at all. Is that fair for us to judge you? No. You see, why not? You wanna defend your character, don't you think your dad, if he was sat here, he would've def uh, defended his character as well. Yeah. He would've had a million excuses as to say, man, I'm trying, man, I just can't, I, I can't keep my head above water.

[00:39:44] Harris: Uh, yeah, but see, I wouldn't even know what to believe. 'cause he was a master manipulator. 

[00:39:48] Toliy: Yeah. But everybody is, 

[00:39:50] Harris: no, 

[00:39:51] Eldar: he, 

[00:39:52] Toliy: everyone's a master manipulator. 

[00:39:53] Eldar: Everyone is, everyone has really good rebuttals. Yeah. Everyone has really good excuses as to why they are the way they are. 

[00:39:59] Toliy: Yeah. Like, if we do something wrong or something's not working out, we're, we're gonna all have many, many reasons as to why it's happening.

[00:40:07] Eldar: The biggest thing that totally talks about a lot of times is part of your development is to learn how to be accountable for yourself. Right. Hold yourself accountable, not shy, away from, you know, criticism. And then know like, okay, I did wrong. I gotta admit this, and then I gotta correct it. That's the biggest thing.

[00:40:26] Eldar: You're a master rebuttal. You have rebuttal to everything. You have very good excuses to everything. Obviously we have fun with them. You know, we laugh at it and we kind of give you the pass because you're crafty with it. But nonetheless, a lot of times you don't wanna take the accountability. Yeah. Oh, someone else told me this, or someone else did this, or I did this because of this.

[00:40:45] Eldar: You know, it's never like, Hey, you know what? I am an idiot and I need to fix this. Hey, I admit I'm an idiot. Yeah. But like, you know, in passing. 

[00:40:55] Toliy: Yeah, I think, but, but like, I think like proper admission of it is, is probably like through action. Yeah. Yeah. Doing something corrective behavior. Something about 

[00:41:03] Eldar: it corrective 

[00:41:05] Toliy: behavior.

[00:41:05] Toliy: Yeah. Like, like a, like a real apology is like putting the wheels in motion to corrective like behavior for, for example. 

[00:41:12] Eldar: Yeah. Without having to always apologize because sooner or later the apology is gonna hold no water. It's not gonna have as much weight. 

[00:41:19] Warren: Mm. 

[00:41:20] Eldar: So, yeah. So to judge, uh, your brother and his wife on the way they're parenting right now, I think it's to be a little bit unfair.

[00:41:29] Eldar: I don't say 

[00:41:29] Harris: I 

[00:41:29] Eldar: was judging. I'm saying I don't agree with it. Well, in order to not agree with something, it's probably you have to have a level of judgment on it. Mm-hmm. Right Now understanding it is a different approach. Right. Totally. Was trying to explain to you there's a reason why they've used those tablets Right.

[00:41:47] Eldar: At this point in their lives with the kids. 

[00:41:50] Toliy: Yeah. And if you were to be put in a position right now where you and Kiri popped out two carts, right? You would do the same thing. 

[00:41:58] Harris: I absolutely would not. Dude, I raised three K as bro, uh, for two years, bro. I was, yeah. 

[00:42:03] Toliy: But you were unemployed. Now imagine you have to come here for work as well.

[00:42:06] Harris: Yeah. 

[00:42:07] Toliy: And yet you have to go home to two, two crying. 

[00:42:09] Eldar: SI wasn't always unemployed. Did other job. She's trying to, she's trying to drive the point home. My 

[00:42:15] Toliy: point is that you, you're already finished now and, and all you do when you get home is make four meat sandwiches. Hey 

[00:42:21] Harris: man, that ain't true, mate. 

[00:42:23] Toliy: You know?

[00:42:23] Toliy: Instead, if you had Yeah. Two crying babies on top of all this, you'd be finished. Dude can't make a 30 minute, I go 

[00:42:31] Harris: all the her to come. 

[00:42:32] Eldar: Uh, 

[00:42:32] Harris: assist man. 

[00:42:33] Eldar: Easy wins. You can't even do 

[00:42:34] Toliy: easy wins. Yeah. 

[00:42:35] Harris: I called Eldar to, uh, uncle Eldar to assist. Sure. 

[00:42:39] Toliy: How about this? What, what are the easy wins that are printed on that paper right now?

[00:42:43] Harris: What are the easy wins? 

[00:42:44] Toliy: Yeah. 

[00:42:45] Harris: Multiplication, 

[00:42:46] Eldar: uhhuh, my speech. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Typing. Mm-hmm.

[00:42:55] Eldar: Anymore.

[00:43:00] Eldar: I think that's it. No, no. 

[00:43:02] Toliy: How, how do I know more of them than you? 

[00:43:05] Harris: Because you 

[00:43:05] Toliy: don't care. 

[00:43:06] Harris: That's not true. I don't care. Oh, no, no, no, no. I've been working on it. 

[00:43:08] Eldar: No, no. Sorry. I, you know, that's the way I perceive it. Yeah. I've 

[00:43:11] Harris: been working on it. 

[00:43:12] Eldar: Yeah. But you see, wouldn't even know what they are. You don't even know what they are.

[00:43:15] Harris: I've been improving my typing speech. Mm-hmm. Multiplication. Mm-hmm. 

[00:43:23] Eldar: How about this? I'll ask you the question and maybe this will help. Mm-hmm. What are some things that you're really bad at? Still 

[00:43:30] Eldar: my mood. I don't know. Okay. Uh, the demo. 

[00:43:36] Harris: There 

[00:43:37] Toliy: you go. Oh, the demo. Look at that. What happens to that one? 

[00:43:39] Harris: You see?

[00:43:39] Harris: Yeah. I've been focusing so much on one. 

[00:43:43] Eldar: This is an example. This is just an example, right? That because of the fact that we understand that your plate is full. Mm-hmm. This is why we removed totally to be your mentor and made me your mentor because I've simplified certain things a little bit and break them down a little bit because totally is advanced math.

[00:44:03] Eldar: This is why Mike is constantly telling you to remove maybe social media or the news or Facebook from your plate because it's filling your head with some, some nonsense. There's, the way you perceive the world is actually not serving you. It's actually taking away from you. And because of that, you can't concentrate on the things that actually do serve you.

[00:44:21] Eldar: Right? You can't even remember the things that, the smallest things that we've identified in order to make you better, or I've been focusing on certain ones, let alone imagine having two kids right now. That's what to ISS saying to is keeping you hypothetical. Yeah. And instead of playing this little mental game right, or mental experiment that he is inviting you to do, you're rebutting.

[00:44:41] Toliy: I'm 

[00:44:41] Eldar: not rebutting. 

[00:44:42] Toliy: You said I raised two kids, rebutt. Like, that's rebutting. 

[00:44:47] Eldar: You'll be 

[00:44:47] Toliy: finished. 

[00:44:48] Eldar: What we're saying is that you are not on the path of, uh, productivity right now, of helping yourself becoming better. Right. You're not yet. You're slowly maybe inching away, but it's not where you take the accountability to do it proactively.

[00:45:02] Eldar: Right now it's. Reactive. Right? If you start getting punished or get hit by, by a hammer, our hammer's here, right? Then you're like, all right, fine. I gotta do it. I gotta do it, I gotta do it. But it's not active, proactive approach to getting better. Why? Because your head is filled with nonsense. Mike is observing it and making certain suggestions.

[00:45:21] Eldar: You gotta remove this, you gotta remove that. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. You're not willing to do it. There's a reason for that. Same thing for John and his wife. They also have their plates full. Therefore, they're using right society's methods in order to help them alleviate certain pains, tablets for kids being one of them.

[00:45:42] Eldar: It's a natural process, natural progression, whether or not it's good or bad, it's a different question. Understand? Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:45:51] Toliy: You don't have the tablet, like you're talking about, parents that have to have like, energy, patience, understand. Like, these are all like, farfetched things that pe like most people don't, don't have, and don't have the ability to have.

[00:46:04] Toliy: So like, um, like ha, having a kid is adding a lot of responsibility and like a lot to your plate that's like a hundred x probably though. And like, yeah. And it, and, and it's, it, it's, it's so funny, right? Because like what, like, um, you 

[00:46:18] Eldar: can't wipe the eye bookers in the morning from your eyes. Yeah. Childbirth is like, you got a shitting, pissing, screaming fucking kid.

[00:46:25] Eldar: Are you kidding me? 

[00:46:27] Toliy: Yeah. Childbirth has been happening for like the beginning of mankind, right? Yeah. Like, it's like. The most familiar thing ever. Right? Yeah. Of like, of it happening. It happens every single second of the day throughout the whole world. 

[00:46:39] Eldar: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:46:40] Toliy: Right. And then, um, to this day, probably 99.9% of parents still underestimate the challenge that it poses.

[00:46:49] Toliy: Mm-hmm. Correct. Even though it's the most common thing. 

[00:46:53] Eldar: So before we place any kind of judgments, we need to understand the bigger picture. I think as we start to understand the bigger picture, we start developing 

[00:47:04] Eldar: secondhand compassion.

[00:47:09] Eldar: You know what I'm saying? Yeah. 

[00:47:10] Eldar: Where it's, we can't judge it. We have to be compassionate because we understand that the, the way the world is set up and the way that the people that we're trying to judge, quote unquote Right. They're not engaging the world in such a way where it would be good or proactive.

[00:47:25] Eldar: Yeah. They're just trying to get by. 

[00:47:27] Toliy: Yeah. But, but the interesting thing about like, um, like, um, um, judgment I think in, in like, um, in general is that like when you're judging someone else on something, um, like you, you have like an internal ranking system as so like, what is easy or sounds easy to you.

[00:47:46] Toliy: Right. And it, it, it, it, it could be like two different scenarios. One, like you're actually good at it and you can't understand why can't this person do it for, for example. Right. Or the second way is that like. You completely like, mis like misperceive the scenario that the person's in and you are judging it from your own case.

[00:48:06] Toliy: Where like, like, like, I dunno, let's just say like, um, uh, uh, one person can't understand how, like you can't do certain things in the morning, for example, as part of like your morning routine or like what you do, but the other person is not understanding like, like, I don't know how late you go to bed or like how much sleep you get or like how stressed you are, like what other things you have on your plate and all that.

[00:48:33] Toliy: But like, in the moment of judgment, like you don't think or consider about all of those things. 100%. You know? 

[00:48:40] Eldar: 100%. 

[00:48:41] Toliy: So it's very, it like, like yeah. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes, like is very difficult, dangerous, to like Well, well, I think it's very difficult to like properly understand 

[00:48:52] Eldar: Oh, oh, in that sense, yes.

[00:48:53] Eldar: Yeah. Yeah. To like 

[00:48:54] Toliy: act, act actually properly understand. Yeah. Right. Like, like our, our like our own internal suffering and problems is always harder and worse than someone else's. Like we, we, we always feel that way. 

[00:49:06] Eldar: Yeah. This is true. 

[00:49:07] Toliy: Our struggle is, is harder. Yeah. Like the things that we're tackling are harder.

[00:49:10] Toliy: Yeah. Yeah. Like, it always feels like that kind of the way 

[00:49:15] Eldar: if you, if you were to examine your attitude towards this very specific example that you've made, you've, you've quickly find out that you have a bad attitude towards it. You have a bad attitude and it makes you feel a certain type of way. 

[00:49:28] Mike: Yeah, absolutely.

[00:49:28] Mike: There's 

[00:49:29] Eldar: a developing anger that's coming, that's forming, and the more you develop these types of moments in, in your life, the more they're gonna heavily weight on you and your development. Do you understand this or no? 

[00:49:42] Eldar: Uh, I didn't look at it as a weight. No. I just looked at it as like a disagreement.

[00:49:46] Eldar: Sure, 

[00:49:47] Eldar: sure. But I'm telling you that accumulation of these, these things, right? Like your dad, you said you're still carrying anger, right? Mm-hmm. Till this day, he's not even here. Well, thing about how is this anger serving you, right? 

[00:50:01] Harris: Yeah. My mom says the same thing. That there you go to let it go. Hey, I can't take it out 

[00:50:05] Eldar: on him anymore.

[00:50:06] Eldar: It's not 

[00:50:06] Eldar: hurting him. Correct. But you're not, you're not processing it the correct way. You're holding onto it and you don't even know how to process it properly because you didn't understand it properly. So you cannot just forgive him or let go of it. You've attached yourself for very specific reasons, because you took ownership of a very specific worldview and you own it now, and therefore you have to defend it.

[00:50:31] Eldar: Right? That's why you suck. Thank you. You're welcome. 

[00:50:37] Toliy: And, and this thing, it, it bleeds onto everything else. Like you have anger towards your father, towards your dad, correct. Towards your, I know mom, your father, us, everyone around you. You have these different feelings too, right? And that takes up like mental capacity.

[00:50:55] Eldar: That's 

[00:50:55] Toliy: right. In your mind. Energy. 

[00:50:58] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:50:58] Toliy: So like, you may not even know that like, 

[00:51:00] Eldar: this is happening, 

[00:51:01] Toliy: this is what you're fighting against, but you, you wake up and deficit every single day. You already 'cause of these things. You already have these laws record every day. 

[00:51:11] Harris: I don't feel like I, at least I didn't view it as like it's affecting me every day.

[00:51:15] Eldar: Oh, that's what you think. But like, 

[00:51:16] Harris: you gave me this example. Right? 'cause look at it. Look at it. The last time, 

[00:51:18] Eldar: the example was your mom only owning you the a hundred dollars, right? Mm-hmm. And I was like, Hey, you, you developing your feeling towards it. You had an attachment and now you wanna go punish someone.

[00:51:28] Eldar: Right? It's the same perpetual cycle as to how you wanna interpret the world and then engage with the world. And that is not what, that's not serving you. The anger with your dad, the punishing you of your mom holding her accountable for the a hundred dollars Right. And all this other stuff. Right.

[00:51:42] Eldar: Brittany and John's tablet use and all this stuff, right? With the kids, all these things in accumulation. I didn't, I, 

[00:51:49] Harris: I don't realize, or I don't, at least in my opinion, I don't think like this would be affecting my day to day. Right. Because it's not like I'm thinking about this every single day. But you are, 

[00:51:58] Mike: you are.

[00:51:58] Mike: But, but the, 

[00:51:59] Eldar: the thing is this happens. Yeah, because, so, I'm sorry, Mike before mm-hmm. Let me, let me hold that thought, Mike. Mm-hmm. You don't understand that the, throughout the day these things are in your mind and sometimes they'll out. So how do you 

[00:52:13] Harris: not recognize 

[00:52:14] Eldar: it then? Because it's already auto autopilot.

[00:52:16] Eldar: Yeah. It's, 

[00:52:17] Toliy: but, but it's also, it's difficult to Yeah. Rec recognize the way that you feel about how things are like, are or supposed to be. So like what, what it is, is that like, unless you share it, what you've been doing, which is good. Yeah. Like you, you, you could have for example, like an anger towards your father or to, to your, to your mother or like who, whoever.

[00:52:38] Toliy: It's just different people out there. Right. Um, but like the overarching thing to me, even above that, it's your understanding and your attitude behind those things. Then like they, like, they deploy the anger. Right. Like, it, it's like how you think something is supposed to be, for example. Right. Or like how, how something is supposed to go.

[00:53:01] Toliy: You have that towards like a million different things in your life towards everything. Like how you go about every action throughout your whole day. And that is never like, thought about, but you still have it. And then it affects everything. 

[00:53:14] Harris: I've tried getting over the feelings I have about my father.

[00:53:17] Harris: Right. But there's very specific things that are holding me back from, I guess moving on. Forgiving. 

[00:53:23] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:53:24] Harris: And just letting it go. Okay. Number one, he was a woman beater. That's number one. He beat my mom. Okay. Severely. Okay. Blood coming out of the head. Everything. I got it. You know? Yeah. One thing I'm not okay with, okay.

[00:53:40] Harris: Woman beaters. Sure. I have extreme hatred, anger. Mm-hmm. Everything else. Uh, another thing is he manipulated the shit outta me. 

[00:53:50] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:53:51] Harris: You know, in his last year. 

[00:53:53] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:53:54] Harris: You know, claiming he was sober and all this, it'd be if I knew he wasn't sober, he was a liar. Well, he's a manipulator, a liar. He wanted to see me.

[00:54:02] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:54:02] Harris: Wanted to see us. Yeah. Before going, 

[00:54:05] Eldar: yeah. 

[00:54:06] Harris: If I would've known he was sober, I would've never mm-hmm. If I thought he was still drinking on drugs, whatever. Yeah. I would never went down there. 

[00:54:13] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:54:14] Harris: I would've just forgot about it. That was a conditional love. Would you say that? Well, it was conditional that I would give him his opportunity to make amends.

[00:54:23] Harris: That's what he was trying to do. Trying to make amends spend time with us before he went. Why, 

[00:54:26] Eldar: why did you make it conditional? 

[00:54:28] Harris: What do you mean? Why was, why was the exchange? Because I know what he was like when he was under the influence. Okay. I heard all the stories I heard, I, I, I could look it up online.

[00:54:39] Harris: Right. I could see all his arrests. I can see everything he did. Mm-hmm. And I know what he was. I don't wanna be around that fucking shit. Mm-hmm. You know, 

[00:54:49] Eldar: and, uh, you know. So what did he, what, what did he say to you when, before he died? 

[00:54:55] Harris: You want me to be honest? It was kind of funny actually. Yeah. Uh, my godfather was in the room.

[00:55:01] Harris: Okay. Uh, uncle Buddy. Who's this? My godfather. 

[00:55:06] Eldar: Okay. 

[00:55:06] Toliy: But his name was Buddy. 

[00:55:08] Eldar: Yeah. Were there any imaginary friends in the room? No. 

[00:55:10] Harris: Okay, cool. These are real people. Yeah. He died actually a couple years ago. Okay. Um, and I was talking to them and his last words were, uh. He asked me to feed him an icy Slurpee from seven 11 A What?

[00:55:24] Harris: Yeah. That was his last thing to eat was a Slurpee. His eyes rolling in the back of his head and he, he, I was talking to them. I wasn't paying attention to feeding him the Slurpee and his last word, one of his last words were, to me was Spoon daddy. Spoon daddy. And that was the last thing. 

[00:55:43] Eldar: Okay. But before that, what, was there any type of a conversation where he was trying to make meds?

[00:55:47] Eldar: Like you said 

[00:55:48] Harris: he was? Well, when we first got there, you know. Okay, so tell me about that. He, it wasn't a lot, you know? Mm-hmm. He goes, man, I wish I could have been in your life more, you know, all this stuff. Okay. Uh, you know, trying to buy the love, I guess you could say. What do you mean buy? Like, he had money for that.

[00:56:05] Harris: Like, he gifted me shit. He knew I wanted to become a mechanic. Uhhuh, he gifted me my first tool set while on the deathbed? No. Oh. Like this? Just, I met, I met up with him several times. Okay. Uh, we ended up driving 10 hours to Okay. Meet him. How was that 

[00:56:19] Eldar: experience? 

[00:56:21] Harris: I mean, it was all right. It was good. You know, I didn't like some of the stuff he was saying to my mother.

[00:56:25] Eldar: Okay. 

[00:56:27] Harris: Uh, we were out to dinner. He's got a very filthy fucking mind. We were out to dinner, um, and he had this new girlfriend, I wouldn't really call it a girlfriend. Mm-hmm. Uh, she had a lazy eye and all this shit. And he said to my mother that. See this, Cheryl, 

[00:56:45] Eldar: he was coming in her eyes 

[00:56:46] Eldar: so much that he had a lazy eye.

[00:56:47] Eldar: I guess so. 

[00:56:48] Harris: And she said, he said, you see this Cheryl? I upgraded. Mm. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. And you know, supposedly John stayed, John stayed the night with him. Mm-hmm. I didn't wanna stay the night at his place. And, uh, he, they were talking about their sex lives and he ended up going into detail on his sex life with my mother.

[00:57:09] Harris: Hmm? To my brother. To you. Oh, to my brother. Okay. And was like, who the fuck does this? Okay. Who wants to hear about their mom in bed and all this shit? Yeah. Okay. 

[00:57:17] Eldar: Why, why do you think he did that? 

[00:57:20] Harris: You're trying to bond with him. Okay. Right. You know, he was trying to make agreements, like, hey, the time I was smoking cigarettes mm-hmm.

[00:57:27] Harris: He goes, Hey, if you quit, I'll quit. You know, like my aunt started laughing her ass off. 

[00:57:32] Eldar: Mm. 

[00:57:32] Harris: And my aunt goes, you're such a fucking liar, Tommy. 

[00:57:35] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:57:35] Harris: You know? 

[00:57:36] Eldar: Yeah. 

[00:57:37] Harris: And I, he was trying to make amens. Right. Okay. He's buying me gifts, all this different shit. Okay. Trying to say, oh, 

[00:57:43] Eldar: you were accepting those gifts?

[00:57:45] Harris: I accepted the gifts. Yeah. Okay. He, well, no, it, it's rude not to accept them. 

[00:57:50] Eldar: No. But you were easy to buy back then, though. How old were you? I wasn't really buying. What do you mean? Back then? 

[00:57:56] Harris: I wasn't really buying. What do 

[00:57:57] Toliy: you mean back then? 

[00:57:58] Harris: Fuck you, fuck you, man. But, um, yeah, yeah. You know. Um, don't go, don't go.

[00:58:04] Harris: I wasn't really comfortable to be there alone with him. You know, I didn't know how he was gonna react and all this. And, uh, you know, he was trying to say, oh, if you would've been in North Carolina, you know, you would've grown up the right way with a country boy. Like you, you know, the way, uh, you were supposed to be.

[00:58:19] Harris: You were born here, you're supposed to be raised a country boy. You know all that shit. This 

[00:58:22] Eldar: is, this is, you were saying bye to him in North Carolina. 

[00:58:25] Harris: Yeah. 

[00:58:25] Eldar: Okay. Uh, we ended up going back 

[00:58:28] Harris: up. Mm-hmm. You know, uh, we ended up coming back again, Uhhuh, uh, and then he called me, not John, and said, uh, daddy's dying.

[00:58:40] Harris: Mm. I was like, yeah, I know this. And he is like, I'm, I'm dying now. I'm on my deathbed. I'm on the deathbed to John. To me. Oh, 

[00:58:47] Eldar: to you. Okay. He called 

[00:58:48] Harris: me. Okay. And, uh, we rushed down there. Okay. Speeding and all this shit. And, uh, who you? Three of you? Me, John, my mom and aunt. Okay. Four. Okay. Yeah. So we got down there and that was his deathbed and, you know, it wasn't really like he was saying sorry and all this.

[00:59:09] Harris: Okay. You know, he, he was just telling us that he loved us and all 

[00:59:12] Eldar: this stuff. How, how'd you react right there then? You were pissed. You were like, fuck you. No. You know. 

[00:59:18] Harris: Oh. Because I had a lot of the hatred back because after I. Uh, he died. I ended up moving to North Carolina. Mm-hmm. Like the country boy that you were supposed to be, I guess.

[00:59:30] Harris: Yeah, of course. You were 

[00:59:31] Eldar: following his vision. Okay. No, 

[00:59:32] Harris: what my aunt suggested his sister Okay. Suggested we move over there to be closer to family and all this shit and become country boys. It had nothing to do with country boys, man. Okay. It was nice Uhhuh, you know? Um, sure. But we started hanging around with some of the people he called family.

[00:59:50] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:59:51] Harris: And you know, I, I was having a conversation with a couple, I'm like, yeah, you know, yeah. I'm glad he got sober at the end, you know, all this shit. And they looked at me and they go, what the fuck are you talking about? See? Yeah. He was sober. You know, they go, no, he was not. I said, what? And he, they go, yeah, he was doing fucking heroin.

[01:00:10] Harris: He was doing fucking, he was drinking. Mm-hmm. He goes, he lied. They go, he lied to you. And like, in my eyes, 

[01:00:16] Toliy: who these, who were these people? 

[01:00:17] Harris: These were his friends? Mm-hmm. 

[01:00:20] Toliy: There heroin addicts. 

[01:00:21] Harris: No, they were, they were in similar situations, but they were in recovery and I mm-hmm. In my eyes. Why 

[01:00:27] Eldar: did they feel like they needed to tell you this information?

[01:00:31] Harris: I don't know. In my eyes, 

[01:00:33] Eldar: you question. I kind of had anger towards that too. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You didn't question that. 

[01:00:37] Harris: Uh, well, I was pissed. Okay. I was fuming. No, 

[01:00:41] Eldar: I get it. You were pissed based on the information that you were giving. Sure, sure. I think that they did a really good job into brainwashing you into what you were supposed to be experiencing.

[01:00:49] Eldar: Okay. Uh, I was pissed. And you never asked the question why they told you this. Are these people still alive? Yes. Alright. You know them 

[01:00:57] Harris: like I don't have their numbers. 

[01:00:58] Eldar: No. I think we should find them. 

[01:01:00] Harris: Absolutely. 

[01:01:01] Eldar: Let's go 

[01:01:01] Harris: down there. 

[01:01:02] Eldar: I know where they live. 

[01:01:03] Eldar: No, we should find them. We should ask them like, what's the reason of you telling me this information in the first place?

[01:01:06] Eldar: Yeah. Why did, I mean, I I Why did they strip you away from, from, from your, from your understanding. Did you have a good time with your dad those last couple of months or whatever it was? Yeah. But that went all the way down the drain. No, no, no. I got it. I got it. It went down the drain. The hatred just came right back.

[01:01:21] Eldar: No, I get it. I get it. 

[01:01:23] Eldar: Did you have a good time with your dad 

[01:01:25] Harris: gave you gifts? I mean the, the last couple years. Sure. We went to a baseball. We went baseball games. We went out to eat. He tried, right? Yeah, he tried to make it up. I mean, what are we talking 

[01:01:36] Eldar: about? 

[01:01:36] Eldar: Hers. 

[01:01:36] Eldar: You're gonna take somebody else's account and say that Yeah.

[01:01:39] Eldar: She was still on drugs or whatever. I immediately called my mom. I'm lying. I was like, your, your condition was like, okay, whether or not you're gonna be sober, I'm gonna give you my love or not. Like what? I mean, let's be honest. 

[01:01:48] Harris: When, when I met up with him Right. And I was talking Right. It's not like I forgave him a hundred percent because I still hold grudges.

[01:01:56] Harris: Yeah, right. You beat my mother. That's unthinkable. That's unexcusable. 

[01:02:00] Eldar: But you accepted his gifts. 

[01:02:01] Harris: I accepted his gifts, so I wanted to help him move on and be able to go in peace. And did you accomplish that? He, he went in peace. You accomplished that? Yeah. Okay. So what's the problem? It just brought a lot of anger back when I found out the truth.

[01:02:18] Toliy: So why are you more like, yeah, why are you angry at him? Like, so what if he was doing drugs? 

[01:02:22] Harris: Like, so what. You had a very specific serious, he swore he swore he wasn't 

[01:02:28] Harris: doing any of that shit. 

[01:02:29] Eldar: Why? Why do you even care about that? 

[01:02:32] Harris: Because one of the last things he fucking did was lie in my face and manipulate me.

[01:02:37] Eldar: Were you asking him, like, swear to me that you don't, you're not on drugs right now, dad. Like, what kind of interaction is this? I don't understand. Before we even went down there, right? We talked to him. Who we, 

[01:02:47] Harris: me, my mom, 

[01:02:48] Mike: my brother. It just sounds, brother, it sounds like these are not your thoughts. Why'd you let those other people brainwash you into thinking about him in a bad way when you had I already thought about him in a bad way.

[01:02:55] Mike: No, but in the 

[01:02:56] Harris: end you already had, we, we were at one point talking about, uh, talking to him when I was a little kid and at one point I was just like, I don't wanna talk to him anymore. 

[01:03:05] Mike: Before he died. When you started having those nice experiences, when you guys were doing stuff, going out to eat, he was gifting you things, you know, buying you stuff.

[01:03:12] Harris: I ended up becoming at peace, right? Because he made his amends. 

[01:03:15] Mike: When 

[01:03:16] Harris: these people told me that he lied to my face, one of the last things he 

[01:03:20] Mike: did, why? Why? First of all, who the fuck are these people? How are they credible? And second of all, what does it matter? Did you have a good time? Was he sure I got peace.

[01:03:31] Mike: Okay. So what, what's the problem then? Why did it, why did it change? 'cause this shit just 

[01:03:34] Harris: entirely unravel. One of the last things he did, how did, did change, 

[01:03:37] Mike: how did it change? Anything that you experienced? Did? It's that now that he, he was on drugs, you, those experiences didn't happen. 

[01:03:46] Harris: I don't know. To me it felt like the whole thing was a fucking lie.

[01:03:49] Harris: It was a as what was a 

[01:03:50] Mike: lie though? What, what? What could have been a lie? He didn't go with you to baseball games or he didn't go with you to dinner, or he didn't buy you the gifts? Sure. He did all that. Right. Okay. But

[01:04:05] Harris: how do you excuse The last thing him doing was lying to me about sobriety because that was one of the things that we would, uh, none of us would've went down there. 

[01:04:14] Mike: Do you think he lied to you? Like 'cause he was proud or because he was ashamed? 

[01:04:18] Harris: Sure. He is probably ashamed and he wanted to see us 1, 1 2 last time.

[01:04:21] Harris: Mm-hmm. One or two last time. When 

[01:04:23] Mike: you, uh, when people lie, usually they lie because of a good reason or a bad reason. '

[01:04:29] Harris: cause they can't face the 

[01:04:30] Mike: truth. 

[01:04:30] Harris: Like Yeah, 

[01:04:31] Mike: they can't face the 

[01:04:32] Harris: truth and they don't wanna die alone. So when 

[01:04:33] Mike: you lie, like, uh, why do you lie? You don't wanna face the truth. Or when you rebuttal, why do you do it?

[01:04:41] Eldar: I don't 

[01:04:41] Mike: know. You, you don't know. Embarrassed, ashamed, right? Yeah. Should we then also like say, you know what Harris, you're lying to us. Uh, we don't want you to, uh, we're gonna be angry at 

[01:04:52] Eldar: you.

[01:04:56] Eldar: Uh, I dunno. Should we, shall we? I don't know. 

[01:05:02] Mike: Like, or should we beat you with rubber mouth? Yeah, you should beat me. Rubber. Rubber dildo. 

[01:05:07] Harris: You want rubber dildo? What's wrong with you, bro? 

[01:05:10] Harris: But you know, 

[01:05:10] Harris: press, press, Harris, 

[01:05:11] Harris: are 

[01:05:11] Eldar: we onto something here? 

[01:05:13] Harris: I guess, you know, but them saying that, I don't know why they would say that and ruin the memories I did have.

[01:05:20] Harris: Listen, 

[01:05:21] Eldar: I think that. As how old were you? 

[01:05:24] Harris: What, when he died? 

[01:05:25] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:05:25] Harris: I was 17. Okay. 

[01:05:28] Eldar: What do you think about a 17-year-old who, a a guy, especially a person like you, a kid like you who went through what they went through throughout those 17 years, is he developed? Does he know how the reason is he in the right state of mind?

[01:05:43] Eldar: No. Is he easy? Easy to manipulate? Yeah. You see? So I think that maybe to a degree, and I'm not gonna blame anyone, right. You were used, right? Mm-hmm. Uh, to propel very specific feelings towards your dad and rightfully so. I know your mom was abused by him, and I know your mom suffered from him. Right. And I know that your mom had a, a specific campaign against him probably.

[01:06:12] Eldar: Right? Well, and obviously you, the kids, John and you Right. Are his little army and she loves you and cares for, you know, she doesn't want you to be right manipulated by him and all this sort of stuff growing up. 

[01:06:23] Harris: I'm gonna admit it. I was afraid he would come. Right? Yeah. Because he did attempt to, yeah. Our police force literally set something up.

[01:06:30] Harris: Mm-hmm. He showed up to Faron. Mm-hmm. And they said, you know, Louie and the police department were like, Hey, you know, before you could see the kids and all that, you gotta come in and sign paperwork. Mm-hmm. Because they were gonna bust him because he has a restraining order. Yeah. And outstanding warrants for no child support.

[01:06:45] Harris: Hmm. And they were gonna bust him, but he pulled up there and his girlfriend at the time was a cop. Yeah. And she felt like something was off. Yeah. And she told him and they sped away. Yeah. Every school I went to, the first thing my mom and my dad did was show a picture of him. Yeah. And said, listen, if this guy shows up, be careful.

[01:07:02] Harris: Do not let yeah. Him go. Yeah. You know, this guy will take him and we would never probably see him again. 

[01:07:08] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:07:09] Harris: You know, and growing up I was scared shitless. This guy was gonna come and attempt to kidnap me. I got it. You know, I got it. So I 

[01:07:20] Eldar: guess in a way, yeah, sure. I was brainwashed. Right. Well, no, not, not necessarily brainwashed.

[01:07:24] Eldar: You were reacting to certain things that were actually happening. Right. Rightfully so. You had a fight or flight experience, right. Most of the time with, with your dad especially, right? Mm-hmm. Um, but I think that that last part of the last bit where he was on his deathbed and he was dying and he was try trying to make amends.

[01:07:43] Eldar: Right. I think that's a very special moment in your time with him where he's trying to show you, right. That like, listen, I fucked up. I know this. He said this to you. Right? He's trying to give you gifts. He's trying to make amends. Right. He's trying, sure. Maybe he's lying through his teeth about certain things because he doesn't want to be portrayed in the light where he's still an addict.

[01:08:04] Eldar: Right. An alcoholic or whatever it is. Right. But nonetheless, he's trying because he fucked up and he knows it. That's why he's doing that. I. 

[01:08:12] Harris: Yeah. I mean the first thing we did when we got, when he got there, right? Yeah. He handed us all matching crosses, right? 

[01:08:18] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:08:18] Harris: He had one. I had one, John had one. There you go.

[01:08:21] Harris: Right. Uh, and then um, he took off his shirt. I'm like, what? What the fuck? 

[01:08:28] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:08:28] Harris: And he showed me, he got John's tattoo professionally done. He got our names tattooed on him. Mm-hmm. Right Mine. Yeah. Was a prison ta. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, you don't know what I had to do to get this thing. He goes, you suck some dicks.

[01:08:43] Harris: No. Like he gave a whole bunch of cartons of cigarettes. I thought you give somebody stuff all this different shit. I blow. He's like, I got this one on the inside. Yeah. I mean he was kind of bragging about it. Right. Like got this one on the inside and it's crooked shit. And you was seen that, that 

[01:08:55] Eldar: was cool.

[01:08:55] Eldar: Right? Like he was a cool 

[01:08:56] Harris: dad. It was like he went to 

[01:08:57] Eldar: prison 

[01:08:58] Harris: and he was just like cool as shit. No, not like he went to prison. I'm like, wow. You know, he got our names tattooed on him, so obviously he didn't forget about us. Yeah. You know, and my aunt right. Yeah. My aunt always had a rule. His sister. 

[01:09:10] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:09:11] Harris: If he's not sober, he can't come to my house.

[01:09:14] Harris: My aunt, surprisingly Yeah. Is actually the one my mom ran to with us. Mm-hmm. When he was abusing, she picked up the phone. She called mm-hmm. My aunt and said, Hey listen, she was crying and shit. And my aunt already knew what happened. 'cause he knows she knows the history. Yeah. He goes, he's hit, he's hitting you, isn't he?

[01:09:33] Harris: And my mom said yes. And my aunt said, back up the shit. Get the boys loaded up and yeah. Dig 'em over here. My aunt didn't take no shit. She wasn't afraid of him. She, we heard about the story one time where my, he was wanted. Mm-hmm. And, uh, the cop showed up to the, my aunt's house. Mm-hmm. And with the guns drawn, and they go, listen, is he in there?

[01:09:54] Harris: He goes, yeah. He's like, well, can you get him to come out here with no weapons? 'cause he's known to be armed. 

[01:09:58] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[01:09:59] Harris: And my aunt made up a whole thing like, Hey Tommy, you gotta come out here. A big, huge fucking crash. My, he came out like, what? And mm-hmm. You know, when he's an alcoholic Yeah. You fucking bitch.

[01:10:12] Harris: Yeah. You set me up. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the type of stories I heard growing up. Yeah. And it's like, it betrayed it. And when he got sober, I'm like, okay, great. He's finally got his life together. 

[01:10:22] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[01:10:23] Harris: And when I heard it was a lie, it was like, it was shattering. Yeah. It shattered everything 

[01:10:28] Eldar: we had.

[01:10:28] Eldar: Did it take away from those moments that you did share with him, Eric? Yes. 

[01:10:32] Eldar: Those moments are not 

[01:10:33] Harris: like, in my mind. Like I let them go outta my head and I now have the 

[01:10:36] Eldar: anger. I get it, I get it. But I'm not sure if that's the correct feeling to have. I'm really not sure. Right. Because those were your moments.

[01:10:45] Eldar: Right. Those were good moments. And he left with those moments he tried. Mm-hmm. You know, and you felt good up until somebody else told you something for a very specific intent. Yeah. But what was the intent? Why did they do it? See, that's, to me, that's what the interesting part is. I, I was pissed. The war, the war that was being waged against him by other people, friends, family, whoever it was, it was their war.

[01:11:12] Toliy: Yeah. The only reason I think they, it wasn't like they would say that is if they had some anger towards him. Correct. It 

[01:11:16] Harris: wasn't like I was Correct. Just pissed at my father. Right. Yeah. I was pissed at that person. Yeah. Because not only did they tell me something, they ruined all of the release I had. Right.

[01:11:28] Harris: The relief of this is what I'm saying. You know, the pissed off. Yeah. They had to, 

[01:11:31] Toliy: they had to have not liked them or had some anger. Yes. They had some kind of, they showed up 

[01:11:34] Harris: to the goddamn memorial dude. Yeah. You see? So what? Yeah. They put on a front and just showed up to the memorial like, yeah, I'm gonna be there.

[01:11:42] Harris: Yeah. Why? 

[01:11:44] Toliy: Yeah. Like, why? Why would somebody wanna try to ruin that kind of memory of something? Like, I called my mom and I, I'm, I'm 

[01:11:51] Harris: fuming. I was fuming. Like, you know, he lied to me and my mom's like, slow down. What the hell are you talking about? Yeah. And I explained, and she goes, why would they fucking do that?

[01:12:01] Harris: Yeah. You know? And that was the first thing and I couldn't fathom it. Right. I was fuming. I fumed about it for several weeks, like son of a bitch, you know? Yeah. And I still hope you were 

[01:12:16] Eldar: 17 years old. I think that when I was told that I was 19, I think that 10 years later, now that you're 27 years old, I think it's time you reevaluate that experience.

[01:12:31] Eldar: Why those people put you on a 10 year prison sentence. 

[01:12:37] Eldar: Did 

[01:12:38] Harris: the, is 

[01:12:38] Eldar: it 

[01:12:38] Harris: serving you? I think I might need to go back to North Gar and find out some information. Yeah. Or make a phone call. Gotta find their number. I gotta call. Say, Hey, 

[01:12:46] Eldar: hey, my aunt, or I gotta call now that I'm an adult. I went through what I went through with my dad.

[01:12:52] Eldar: Right. And I realized what he was trying to do. Why did you have to say, and, and, and tell me this for what reason? 

[01:12:58] Harris: And take things, take those things away. 

[01:12:59] Eldar: Even if he was not sober. Like, okay, sure. That's, that's his suffering. Right. It's a disease that he's going through. Why couldn't I, why couldn't you Right.

[01:13:09] Eldar: Extend that compassion towards him and give him his, you know, kind of like, 

[01:13:14] Harris: well God, last one. Yeah. He, well he got it to him. Why did they have to take it away from me? Correct. Correct. Because I'm finally over it. Growing up. I had the hatred towards him. 'cause I was told all the story. Yeah. Another thing I don't totally understand.

[01:13:28] Harris: Right. Uhhuh, my mom could have explained parts of it. Right. Like, Hey, this is what happened. Yeah. He was an alcoholic, you know, he got violent tendencies, but it went into detail. Mm. She went into detail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About 

[01:13:40] Eldar: all the stuff. Of course, of course. That's your mom's hurt and your pain. Her pain, of course I get it.

[01:13:46] Eldar: You know, she told me about the escaping where she was. But nonetheless, Harris, you went over 

[01:13:51] Eldar: there and you tried to forgive him and you did accepting gifts from a person who did the things that they did is, is showing forgiveness. Right. It's showing, moving on. I'm gonna give that a try, you 

[01:14:05] Eldar: know? So which one is it?

[01:14:12] Eldar: I dunno, I think you should sit, 

[01:14:14] Eldar: sit with this, right? Because if it's not serving you, if it hasn't served you for all this 

[01:14:20] Eldar: time, then why hold onto it. It's not like I could just have a conversation with him. I like, I 

[01:14:26] Eldar: think you are having a conversation right now. 

[01:14:28] Eldar: Not with him. You are? I'm channeling him.

[01:14:31] Eldar: You believe in 

[01:14:31] Harris: ghosts, right? Yeah,

[01:14:36] Harris: I have his ashes. Maybe I should put the spear fox though. Yeah. I have, uh, each one of us have, and 

[01:14:44] Eldar: I think that yeah, if you believe in that kind of stuff, I think that, you know, uh, one thing that he was trying to do is, uh, amend that relationship the best way that he could. And he obviously had regret, right?

[01:14:55] Eldar: Mm-hmm. He tried to repent. Right? Um, I know he 

[01:14:59] Harris: wanted us, right? He made the effort. There you go. Risked his Yeah. He even got tattoos and then whatever. Yeah. Risked his freedom to come over here Yeah. And see us. That's right. He didn't care. You know? Yeah. I 

[01:15:11] Toliy: think it's also like, like I think a person with, and I'm, oh no, no, go ahead.

[01:15:16] Eldar: I was gonna say I'm not, I'm not trying to paint, like, I'm not trying to paint the fact that your dad was a good guy. Yeah. He was a saint. He was a saint or anything like that. What I'm saying is that your dad. Had a very specific upbringing that resulted from him. We talked about it very specifically. We talked about it, you told me this right?

[01:15:30] Eldar: My 

[01:15:30] Harris: grandfather's friend gave him his first drink. Correct, 

[01:15:32] Eldar: correct. You know, at a very early age. 13. Yeah, exactly. Right. So all those things, all that turmoil turned him to be the way he was, and only up until he finally was meeting death. Right. His end. Right. That he realized that he starts to think about the better, greater things in life, which I think is a completely normal phenomenon in people.

[01:15:52] Eldar: Right. What we're trying to do here, right. Through philosophy, through psychology, through understanding. It's not getting to the point. It's not to get to the point where we start regretting something, right? Like where we're like, ah, I need, I need, I need to be at my deathbed in order to realize that I need to spend more time with my friends, my family, I love my dogs, you know, whatever it is.

[01:16:11] Eldar: You know, I don't want that. Right? Yeah. I wanna be able to understand what's actually important now, so I don't have regrets. So when I'm going on my deathbed, I'm like, yo, I fucking hell. I lived a hell of a life. Like, you know, I have no 

[01:16:21] Harris: regrets when, when I first, you know, when he, when his friend first told me this, right?

[01:16:25] Harris: Yeah. I was like, yeah, maybe I should call Aunt Kimmy, you know, and ask her a whole bunch of questions. And my mom goes, don't. Don't. Mm-hmm. Because I wanted to find out more, like, what am I missing? Yeah. Did you know about this? Mm-hmm. And my mom's like, don't call your aunt, because, and then I realized I would be doing the same thing this guy did to me.

[01:16:45] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:16:45] Harris: To her. 

[01:16:46] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:16:46] Harris: And ruin her memories. That's right. And, you know, I never mentioned it to John because John views him for some reason. Yeah. As the best dad in the world. Well, look, he, that he probably, he probably 

[01:16:59] Eldar: somehow was able to safe, keep that memory and forget about everything else. Correct. And that's fine.

[01:17:04] Eldar: I think, 

[01:17:05] Harris: I think that's a good thing. My mom also fe and it's probably also because he ended up have a falling out with my, my dad. Mm-hmm. That he built up this whole thing. 

[01:17:15] Toliy: Yeah. 

[01:17:15] Eldar: So, 

[01:17:18] Toliy: I, I, I was gonna say before, I think like, um, like deep reg regret without the ability to do something like about it, to change it as like a, like, the realization of that is like a crazy level of suffering.

[01:17:34] Toliy: Yeah. You know? Yeah. 

[01:17:35] Harris: That's like a, a living hell. 

[01:17:37] Toliy: A living Hell yeah. 

[01:17:38] Harris: Yeah. But it's not like, 'cause I felt like I'm never gonna be able to let this go. Right. Because I'm, he's not here anymore. I can't confront him. I can't bring this up to him. 

[01:17:47] Toliy: Yeah. But I, yeah, but I don't think that you, you have to need him to like, to confront this.

[01:17:51] Toliy: I think that you can confront this like, within yourself. Within yourself. 

[01:17:54] Eldar: Correct. 

[01:17:55] Toliy: Because it's like, this is not like feelings that he has towards you or like, something like that. This is like your feelings. You, your feelings toward, towards him. 

[01:18:03] Eldar: Correct. Maybe I have to 

[01:18:04] Harris: confront the source. 

[01:18:07] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:18:08] Mike: Or see it from the perspective.

[01:18:11] Mike: His perspective. 

[01:18:12] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:18:12] Mike: What I wanted to say. 

[01:18:13] Eldar: Yes, Mike 

[01:18:14] Mike: is, um. What to was describing is why do people always look at other people and they call out their flaws and like, uh mm-hmm. You know, I guess you want to call it hypocritical or whatever. Beha, like a behavior. It's always easier to spot that, uh, and other people than to face your own problems.

[01:18:37] Mike: And I think a lot of times people use that in order to avoid looking inward, you know? But you're still not answering the question. Why? Why? Yeah. Well, because it's easier. 

[01:18:48] Eldar: Why? Because the thing is, it's easier when you call 

[01:18:50] Mike: somebody out, you feel 

[01:18:51] Eldar: like you're doing the right thing. 

[01:18:53] Mike: I, I'm, I got 

[01:18:54] Toliy: a different, uh, I 

[01:18:55] Eldar: got a different take on it too.

[01:18:57] Eldar: And my take is more so that, um, our ability, right. Uh, to put aside our own attachments when we're listening to others people's problems 

[01:19:06] Eldar: mm-hmm. 

[01:19:06] Eldar: Right. Is heightened. Why? Because we don't have a horse in a race in that moment. Right. So what happens is when we start paying attention, we're the closest to God.

[01:19:15] Eldar: Mm-hmm. If we don't have a horse in a race. Mm-hmm. So naturally we would like to apply mm-hmm. The best solution or the best thing possible upon that person who is in that moment is a sinner. That's what I think is happening. 

[01:19:30] Mike: Yeah. But that's a, you're, you're painting a picture of, of, uh, I think there's two different options.

[01:19:38] Eldar: What do you mean? 

[01:19:39] Mike: I think there's two different reasons why people do that. Mm-hmm. I think one of the reasons is what you described Yeah. Is because we want to help each other. We want to be helpful. 

[01:19:46] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:19:47] Mike: But I also think part of a, part of a different reason is, uh, we don't recognize that within ourselves because we don't want to maybe take accountability.

[01:19:59] Eldar: I think there's two different moments. Yeah. I think that there's two different people that are, uh, engaging here. 

[01:20:05] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[01:20:05] Eldar: Sure. One's a listener and one's an actor. Right. Well, yeah. One person is Yeah. And one is ignorant. Yeah. And I think we, we have the ability as people, and I think God given ability, uh, to be able to switch that very organically.

[01:20:17] Eldar: Sure. Right. But one day we're suffering. One day we're given advice. Yeah. Right. And we're the helper. 

[01:20:23] Toliy: Yeah. But, but I think also with, with, with that tide, like I, I agree with what, what you're saying, but I think that I think everyone naturally has, um, a heightened sense of awareness to things that they themselves either suffer with or have suffered with when they see other people doing it.

[01:20:43] Eldar: Why? 

[01:20:44] Toliy: And I, and they, they have this because I think that they have a natural urge to not see someone else have that kind of suffering. You 

[01:20:51] Eldar: see that Mike? So 

[01:20:52] Toliy: it's like we have 

[01:20:52] Eldar: an innate thing that we don't want to see pain in others. 

[01:20:56] Toliy: Yeah. Yeah. Like if, if somebody went through something for a long time or like been suffering for something for a while mm-hmm.

[01:21:02] Toliy: And then they're able to summon like, like, like with like the Yeah. Like the, um, summoning those moments where you don't have your own, like attachments to things and you could just. Apply like region and logic, which, which, which is like the, uh, purest form of like, truth at that moment. True. You like, you're heightened awareness for those things that it, it feels like, like the other person's maybe most hip hypocritical of like, they've gone through that so much and they've suffered through it so much that they, like, they'll naturally be drawn to pointing out those things because they don't want, like, they, they, they like refuse to see someone else like have that as well.

[01:21:39] Eldar: Mm. Yeah. 

[01:21:41] Toliy: It, it's a very na, natural drawn like thing. Like if, if, however, 

[01:21:45] Eldar: however, a lot of times we also or you know, are flawed when we give that advice because we don't know how to properly give it in the first place. 

[01:21:55] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[01:21:55] Eldar: Right. Well we're, you know, for Harris, you know where someone's trying to give him advice.

[01:22:01] Eldar: Mm-hmm. That's to say like, yo, look, this is the truth of the matter. Mm-hmm. This is the actual truth, bro. You should, you should go off this. Right. Don't fall for this trap or whatever they're perceiving as he's suffering or whatnot, but they're not really seeing how far and what they're actually doing clouding his mind in that moment.

[01:22:18] Warren: Mm-hmm.

[01:22:22] Mike: So those people who gave him that, the thing, the recollection of his dad, they were doing it because they wanted, they had good intentions in that moment probably. 

[01:22:32] Eldar: Yes. 

[01:22:33] Eldar: Hmm. 

[01:22:34] Eldar: Still like, Hey, I'm gonna open your eyes right to this. Mm-hmm. Don't fall for it. Yeah. Because they've been manipulated the same way, quote unquote, and they got results that weren't good.

[01:22:45] Eldar: Yeah. But what is that gonna do now? He's fucking dead. I agree. And that is what, that's your challenge to tell yourself what the fuck now. Mm-hmm. Why are you telling me this? Right. Because now I'm 

[01:22:55] Harris: gonna have this, that 

[01:22:56] Eldar: he didn't ask that question because he wasn't a man. Mm-hmm. He was a 17-year-old Yeah.

[01:23:00] Eldar: Gullible kid who went through a turmoil of fucking psychiatrist, psychologists programs being in the system. Yeah. Abuse, trauma. He went through it all. His mind doesn't think, right. So you can turn him on like this. You could, you could, you could have strapped a, a suicide vest on him. He'll go to kill, kill people if he wanted to.

[01:23:18] Eldar: Mm-hmm. That's who he was. Right. But now he's like, yo, wait, why are we having this conversation? Why are you telling me this? He's dead. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? The only person you're harming is me. Correct. And why are you doing it? Right. And the reason why he is doing it, or I totally said, is because those people had anger.

[01:23:36] Eldar: Mm-hmm. Towards him. This is payback 

[01:23:38] Eldar: because you know what? I'm gonna ruin the last thing you did. No, no, no, no, no. That's the dad. He's the 

[01:23:46] Eldar: dad. 

[01:23:47] Mike: Yeah. But if he's, those people have anger, how didn't they using the truth here, you're saying, well, because that's their truth. That's a subjective truth. No, that might 

[01:23:54] Harris: not be just it.

[01:23:55] Harris: Right. He might be dead. No, no, no, no. But they're gonna ruin the last thing he got away from. 

[01:24:01] Eldar: Yeah. But totally saying something specific. Ultimately it is, is a payback. To his sperm, which is you. 

[01:24:07] Mike: Yeah. But when the continuation that, when you see somebody suffering with a, so something you suffer with before you try to give 'em the right advice.

[01:24:15] Eldar: Well, in that case, I'm not sure who those people are, so I can't, like I'm more picturing what Tony's 

[01:24:20] Toliy: talking about. I know. Wasn't talking about. Yeah, I definitely, because 

[01:24:21] Eldar: we don't know those people. I know, I'm not talking about that one. I wasn't talking about that media, but I'm talking about totally giving you advice for example.

[01:24:27] Eldar: You know what I mean? Yeah. All those instances where like totally knows his shit, does his shit. Like he's smart. Yeah. But, but the way it's possible for payback, right. 

[01:24:35] Mike: This same guy. Yeah. But also totally giving me advice. Uh, it wasn't, it wasn't his own intention for him to do better or for me to do better when he's telling me, yo play defense, Uhhuh getting me like, uh, yeah, it wasn't for, it was maybe for me, but which one is heavier him or me, him wanting to win that game, his competitive level or him wanting to me to be better.

[01:24:57] Mike: Well, totally is here. You can ask him that. Uh, unlike, um, 

[01:25:00] Eldar: those 

[01:25:00] Mike: people, yeah. Uncle Bob. So Uncle buddy, go ahead. No, I'm, that's just a specific scenario, but I'm saying I think there's two different places where this kind of stuff comes from and I think one of the places, I agree that a lot of 

[01:25:13] Eldar: times it could 

[01:25:13] Mike: be a selfish ploy for sure.

[01:25:15] Mike: Well, I think it's selfish because when you don't look inside Yeah. But you look out like you look at other people. Yeah. And you give them advice. It does something for you. Could it, it makes you feel better by yourself. It could. And I think that's, it. Could, I think that a lot of people use that, you know, like, uh, as a, as a method.

[01:25:37] Mike: Yeah. As a method to not face their own problems and not take accountability. And also 

[01:25:42] Eldar: people don't see, I'm not, I'm not sure, Mike, I'm not sure if those, those, that advice when it's given is actually thought in such a way. Sure. It's like, okay, cool. Like, I'm gonna give it because I don't wanna take accountability for my own bullshit.

[01:25:51] Eldar: Now I'm sitting in my own shit. No, definitely not. I think, I think the reason why that's given in that moment in such a way is because they actually just want to feel good in that moment. Yeah. They, the moment itself, like 

[01:26:01] Mike: they're doing the right thing. 

[01:26:02] Eldar: Correct. And I think that's innate. That comes from the innate part, which he described.

[01:26:07] Eldar: He said he doesn't want to see you hurt or whatever. Therefore, that's in that moment, it'll help you and also help him in return as well, because he's given it in his case. I'm not sure. 'cause I don't know those people. Yeah. I'm not sure either. 

[01:26:19] Harris: So you say it's payback, right? It's payback. So you're saying the people that these, this guy, right?

[01:26:26] Harris: Yeah. He put on a front. Right. Because before he even said all this, right, it was, oh, you know, I loved your dad, you know, he's a great guy and all this shit. Yeah. That's always the setup I, I love, you know? Yeah. I was like, you know, yeah. You know, I'm happy he got sober in the end. And that's when it was like, yeah, no, he fucking didn't.

[01:26:46] Harris: Yeah, he fucking lied to you. Yeah. So, whatcha trying to say? Because I, I feel like, you know, I wouldn't say it's necessarily using me as like the sperm or anything. I think his mindset mm-hmm. Was, I'm gonna ruin the last thing he think he got right. He made peace with his son. 

[01:27:04] Eldar: Y Yes. That's what's happening spirit.

[01:27:07] Eldar: That what's happening not against me, it is against me. He didn't try to do it against You're him, you are him, you are your dad. I'm not my dad. You are your dad. I'm alcoholic. I'm not a fucking, you have a lot of tendencies and a lot of things that your dad has. That's just, I see. That's like in inevitable.

[01:27:24] Eldar: See, a lot of us, a lot 

[01:27:25] Harris: of it sees more John, 

[01:27:27] Eldar: genetics, John, John in my father than me. No problem. But you both his kids, right? Mm-hmm. You are his sperm, you know what I mean? You are the continuation, you are the lineage of him. Mm-hmm. Who he was. And his grandfather. And grandfather and it continuous, continuous, continuous understand.

[01:27:45] Eldar: So, yes. Right. Did his kids right now alright, are gonna get all the scrutiny mm-hmm. For all the shit that his dad did. Mm-hmm. Their dad did. 

[01:27:55] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:27:55] Eldar: That's a natural thing. Mm-hmm. That's a, that's how that works. You know what I mean? You know, back in the day if you study history, you know what they did because of that, they killed all the kids.

[01:28:06] Eldar: Yeah. For that reason, they want to kill off that lineage completely. Yeah. That's payback revenge. Make sure that that doesn't continue. Mm-hmm. You know, and that's one way of getting back at your dad. I don't know the relationships that these people had with your dad. 

[01:28:19] Harris: I don't, I'm pretty sure, because I'm pretty sure I only got to know them two years after the rest of his friends never said anything like this to me.

[01:28:27] Harris: Right. I, I called them all uncle because she might have screwed them over them. That was their brother. Right. Yeah. I still talk to some of them. He 

[01:28:32] Eldar: probably screwed them over. He probably lied and cheated on them. Sure. Whatever, because you know what I mean? 

[01:28:37] Harris: The rest of the people I met Yeah. Didn't have anything but nice to say.

[01:28:40] Harris: Yeah. On the, the anniversary of his death. Yeah. They'll send pictures with him and say, Hey, you little kid who comes to this adult? Right. I'm pretty sure this 

[01:28:48] Eldar: is an adult we're speaking about. Right. Older than my father. There you go. Right Older than your father. Right. You're telling him about your experience and saying, yo, my dad, my dad, you know, he did the best whatever, whatever.

[01:29:01] Eldar: And they watching you and listening to you, give you testimony about the last days of your dad. You forgave him, you're moving on, and they're like, Hey, slow down. All that is wrong. Erase it.

[01:29:16] Eldar: Any adult with the right mind or have the ability to be accepting, compassionate, we'll see that you had a very specific experience and to take that away from you is a very specific agenda. Hmm. And I would be wondering as an adult as to why it was done this way. And the truth of the matter is, you are his kid.

[01:29:39] Eldar: You are a sinner, bro. 

[01:29:41] Eldar: That's it. You say this yourself as Jelly Roll says, I'm a son of a sinner son, your son of a sinner. You son of a sinner as Jelly Roll, let's say. 

[01:29:48] Eldar: But that experience that you had the last days that he did have, I'm not sure if you should just erase that from your memory. Well, for the 

[01:29:56] Harris: past 10 years they've been erased.

[01:29:58] Harris: Okay. 

[01:29:58] Eldar: I think you should remake it so you can move on in life so you can grow. If the guy 

[01:30:02] Harris: should watch 

[01:30:03] Eldar: the 

[01:30:03] Harris: memorial 

[01:30:04] Eldar: all over again and see the Smiles 100. What? You have it on tape? It's on YouTube. Are you kidding me? We should all watch it. Not right now. Yeah. 

[01:30:12] Toliy: And not with our shirts off. What the fuck?

[01:30:14] Toliy: Don't have any ideas. What the fuck? Fuck 

[01:30:16] Harris: you, man. I'm willing to go on my undies, but yeah, what can be vulnerable? Yeah, it's on tape. John used to play it every day and I used to, I would love to see it. And I used to like, I would love to see whenever he played it for the kids and shit. Yeah. I used to get so fucking pissed.

[01:30:29] Harris: I'd walk out of the room and Oh, you see it? I would love to see it. Man, 

[01:30:34] Eldar: look, maybe this is our meant to go. We are mend, we're amending our relationship with John, who apparently he's saying that doesn't like this podcast and doesn't like what we're saying and stuff and whatever, whatever, but, but 

[01:30:45] Harris: he won't show it to you.

[01:30:46] Harris: He won't it to your face, bro. He puts on front. '

[01:30:49] Eldar: cause he loves me. He, he doesn't have anything to stand on. Yeah. You know what I mean? What, what He's trying 

[01:30:54] Toliy: to like, it, it it, I mean, it's probably more like a big brother protection thing of like the heat that, that like, like, like, like if Harris is esteeming you to know something, like he has to like, you know, be like, 

[01:31:05] Eldar: oh, maybe like, yo, you should be listening to me instead of him.

[01:31:07] Eldar: Yeah. Maybe. I mean obviously he probably wishes you well, ultimately, but you know, he is stressed out. 

[01:31:12] Harris: Yeah. He's jealous. Right. Because Yeah. You know, I'm your daddy now, bro. I have a relationship with you guys. Right. And to him. Right. He had a closer relationship with you guys. Yeah. And, and I 

[01:31:24] Eldar: remember I only, he's like, and he 

[01:31:26] Harris: tries to go, you know how 

[01:31:27] Eldar: LDR is, man, you gotta understand.

[01:31:28] Eldar: Like, I don't know that person, like what you're saying. Mm-hmm. I only know the person who I used to remember. He was a nice kid. Hardworking. Yeah, sure. He came with a baggage. But nonetheless, I only had anytime that, I always 

[01:31:39] Toliy: thought John was nice. 

[01:31:40] Eldar: John was nice overall. Right. And like, anytime I call him, I'm gonna operate out of that experience, out of that memory.

[01:31:48] Eldar: Now if he proves me, otherwise, if he starts calling me a dickhead or whatever, I might have to 

[01:31:51] Harris: record the fucking shit. 

[01:31:53] Eldar: And then I'm gonna be like, yeah, what, what's going on here? Like, I'll have to record the calls. So let's, let's have an actual conversation, like, what's the problem? Because I don't remember a problem or if there was anything developed or what happened, you know, if he can enlighten me on something like that.

[01:32:06] Harris: John, I'd love to know John. John has made, uh, stories about everything, right? He's not from New Jersey. Listen. Well, that's a lie. He's not from New Jersey. That's a lie. He'll tell everyone. Yeah. I'm from North Carolina. I feel like, yo, pull out that fucking birth certificate, boy. Yeah. Pull it out. Let people see where you're from.

[01:32:24] Harris: Yeah. You know, like, you know, he'll be lying. I, I, you know, it says 

[01:32:27] Eldar: insecurities. If that's, if, if he's been overtaken by insecurities and fear and all this other stuff, I'm just gonna let it be. I I'm gonna just roll him out or write him off as a, an insane per insane 

[01:32:38] Harris: person. Like, which is okay. I would get off the phone with my dad when I lived there.

[01:32:41] Harris: Right. Yeah. And he'd go, that's not your dad. You know, your dad's dead. You know, like, that's not your dad. And it's his jealousy. Right. Because I still have a relationship with him. Yeah. And he doesn't Yeah. He made the choice to abandon the whole thing. Yeah. That's tough. After like 18 years of being raised by this man.

[01:33:00] Harris: Yeah. And to my dad, that was fucking hurtful. You know, like of course they had an argument and then my dad saw him in chop. Right. And tried to talk to him. Yeah. And he's just walked away. He didn't even say a word to him. And that was the last thing. Yeah. And to my dad, that's like, what the fuck? Yeah. And 

[01:33:16] Toliy: ShopRite's a whole place too.

[01:33:17] Toliy: That's fucked up that he did. What do you mean, 

[01:33:19] Harris: bro? 

[01:33:19] Toliy: Well, that's fucked 

[01:33:20] Harris: up that he did. Again, my John was working there, right? Yeah. And my dad goes up to him and John walked away. Yeah. 

[01:33:27] Eldar: See, he's gotta work through some of his own stuff. Like I said, tho those things are heavy and they carry, he's carry it If he wants my, my dad, if he wants to, yes.

[01:33:33] Harris: John's like, you know, he never apologized. He sent him money for like the wedding gift, baby shower. Mm-hmm. You know, John didn't even call him to thank him or anything like that. Yeah. And to my dad, it's like, I, I, I tried. That's right. 

[01:33:49] Eldar: Um, don't underestimate Harris, how these past traumas, memories and the conclusions, the reason I and the conclusions that you've made about the world, about your dad, about your family life or whatever, how they affect you today.

[01:34:05] Eldar: Don't under Harris, like I on on daily basis? Yes. What you're 

[01:34:08] Harris: saying, like, right. That, that this has been affecting everything. I, I didn't look at it that way because in my mind it's not on my mind. I don't think about it every day. 

[01:34:18] Eldar: That's what you think. Why did we, why, why did we go to, to the ramen place in that conversation?

[01:34:23] Eldar: Come about Why See, you don't even know. And guess what? I don't even know. It just came about. Why the fuck did you start telling me about your fucking father? 

[01:34:35] Eldar: Why sometimes it brings up memories. This is what I'm saying. You don't even know. That's what're 

[01:34:42] Eldar: totally saying. Yeah. I would say subconsciously it's, you don't even know how it is affecting you.

[01:34:47] Eldar: It's more like 

[01:34:47] Harris: every time someone pull, pulled up a picture of him. Right. Or posted something about. Right. Did he 

[01:34:51] Eldar: pull a picture at all fucking pictures of your father? No, but 

[01:34:54] Harris: recently it was posted. Okay. It brings up all the fucking nasty fucking, you see memories and like, you know, like hatred. Yeah. 

[01:35:01] Eldar: And there's more other things that is associated with anger because anger doesn't discriminate.

[01:35:05] Eldar: If you have some anger here, it's probably linked to this anger. If this anger is here, it's linked to that anger. Like, and all anger is the same. Mm-hmm. It doesn't matter where it comes from. Anger is anger. Like last year my mom posted 

[01:35:16] Harris: it a tribute to him. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah.

[01:35:20] Harris: The fuck you see? You're gonna post a tribute there. See, 

[01:35:23] Eldar: that means a tribute is every year. I'm guess what? At least one once per day. 

[01:35:28] Harris: I'm like, not once per year. I'm like, after everything he did. My dad is saying the same thing. Like, he, how, how did she, he he always used to say this like, you know, like, uh, 

[01:35:38] Eldar: nonetheless you see your mom is left with what?

[01:35:41] Eldar: Very specific memories. So I don't care what examples you're gonna bring about. Mm-hmm. How bad he was. But your mom is left with very specific memories and, and the moments that she did have, right. That were good with him. I mean, she had sex with him right? When the last time No. With your father. Yes. She had sex with him.

[01:36:00] Eldar: Right. Yeah. To make you guys, yeah. Those are good moments. I. You didn't 

[01:36:06] Toliy: say that he, wait, you told me he hatched from an egg. 

[01:36:09] Harris: No, I was almost, no, I was almost not here. My mom left my father. Yeah. And then, you know, he 

[01:36:15] Eldar: ejaculated into her through a phone. What the hell man? What the kind of shit is this? He 

[01:36:19] Harris: called her and 

[01:36:20] Eldar: they ended up making up and the first thing they did was Exactly.

[01:36:24] Eldar: So what I'm trying to tell you, Harris, is that your mom, despite the fact that he abused her and all this other stuff, we as humans, right. Naturally gravitate towards the good. Mm-hmm. All the time. We're trying to progress. And your mom has those moments where she was fucking killing it probably with him.

[01:36:40] Eldar: He was a fucking cool guy with a gun. Oh, he know what I mean? He was very, 

[01:36:43] Harris: uh, he had a lot of charm, you see. And my mom just went through a divorce, you see? And it was actually a friend of her ex-husband's at the time. Yeah. They met in aa. Yeah. And he, he was living outta like the garage and the van and all this.

[01:36:56] Harris: Yeah. And my dad would literally do like the movie scene where he's cleaning the van and then he'd turn it on himself. He is got a big head of hair. Oh, you see? He's like, and he's like, suck my dick Cheryl. 

[01:37:07] Harris: He's like, he's like, he's like, turn on the fan jet drunk. He's suck my dick, Cheryl. And he looks at her and goes, you know, you like what you see baby?

[01:37:17] Harris: You see? And you see, and it's like, you know, my mom first brushed it off and then he 

[01:37:22] Harris: used to walk around and then he is like, let me help you with this. And he had this 

[01:37:25] Eldar: charm to him. There you go. See, I didn't even know about this, but I knew that these moments happened. If your mom is doing these little fucking ceremonies or whatever the fuck she's doing, izing him or whatever, it's because she has something with him.

[01:37:39] Eldar: Mm-hmm. And she's hanging on to those moments in her life, which were good. And that's not a bad thing. That's normal. It's a normal human phenomenon. So to hold her accountable or gang up on her with your dad is to say like, oh, look what she's doing. It's wrong. It's to not understand how we as humans work.

[01:37:58] Eldar: Let her be. You. See, 

[01:38:01] Harris: and you know, my mom's made it clear that she hasn't, you know, forgotten everything. You know, she hasn't forgiven him fully, but she knows that, you know, she's trying to move on. Yeah. And I don't think that's 

[01:38:11] Eldar: a bad thing, 

[01:38:14] Harris: you know? And she, she said, you know, that the whole experience made her a lot stronger, right?

[01:38:19] Harris: Yeah. Because she went through all that. She did. She 

[01:38:21] Eldar: escaped. She did. She survived. Yeah. She raised you guys the best way she could, you know, but, you 

[01:38:28] Eldar: know 

[01:38:29] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:38:29] Harris: Made her 

[01:38:29] Eldar: stronger, right? Yeah. Yeah.

[01:38:35] Eldar: So, rethink it. 

[01:38:37] Toliy: But, but think in general, we, we suffer by far the most from the things that, like I. We that are subconscious that we don't think about 

[01:38:45] Eldar: and we made up a long time ago. Yeah. That's the problem. Yeah. We made them up a long time ago. Yeah. Most of your, most. We took stances 10 years ago. Yeah.

[01:38:51] Eldar: Because some motherfucker brainwashed you into fucking thinking this way. Yeah. You know what I mean? Ripped you away and stripped you away from the moments that you did have, which were real moments. Yeah. Give, giving and all this other stuff and forgiveness and saying bye. And this is a beautiful moment.

[01:39:06] Toliy: Yeah. So 

[01:39:07] Eldar: what, 

[01:39:07] Toliy: yeah. I think all, all also part of development is to, um, have particular like, uh, um, protections and systems in place. So people can't do that to you now. Just how have hug you in like a bad way. 

[01:39:21] Harris: So what? Put up a shield? 

[01:39:22] Toliy: No, no, no. It's not a shield. It's just like, like there's gonna be people in your whole life that are gonna try to brainwash you into a particular thing.

[01:39:33] Toliy: Right. And if it's a bad thing. Right. It's important for you to have the abilities to recognize things for what they are. 

[01:39:42] Eldar: Mm. 

[01:39:43] Toliy: So that, like, that person can't do that to you now put you on like a next 10 year program. 

[01:39:50] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[01:39:51] Toliy: And people will like accidentally do, try, try to do these things to you all the time.

[01:39:59] Toliy: They're already doing that. Exactly. Make you try to believe something or go about life in a particular way, or think a particular thing, act a particular way and then that thing gets lodged in your sub subconscious. Now you operate from that for the next 10, 15 years. But if you continue adding those things, then you're gonna be continuously on these like 10 year plans of living out those things.

[01:40:25] Harris: My mom's trying to tell me, she goes, go down to South Jersey, go see your grandfather. This is grave, because, um, my aunt supposedly buried the rest of his ashes mm-hmm. On the grave. Okay. She, she's been telling me, go down to South Jersey, visit the grave. 

[01:40:42] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[01:40:43] Harris: You know, uh, she goes, uh, talk, talk to him.

[01:40:51] Harris: Mm-hmm. You know, whatever anger you have, release it. Fucking go there. If you need to jerk off on a grave, do it. No. What's wrong with you, man? What? And she's like, no, I heard about these type things. And I'm like, what is this gonna do for me? You know? 

[01:41:03] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:41:04] Harris: She goes, bring your spirit box. Fucking turn it on.

[01:41:06] Harris: Yeah. Communicate, you know, uh, release the anger because at the end of the day, it's only gonna affect you. Your mom is, it's not gonna affect him. Go to the grave. There's not a lot of spew your shit. Get your 

[01:41:18] Eldar: closure. Release the pain. Yes. There's not a lot of things. I agree with your mom, but this one I agree with and, and first I'm like, I'm not gonna go to the grave and 

[01:41:26] Harris: fucking do this.

[01:41:27] Harris: Yeah. Because it's like, what's this gonna do for me? Yeah. 

[01:41:30] Toliy: I'm gonna go ahead and say, it sounds like you're hunting the wrong ghost, man. Yeah, man. You 

[01:41:34] Eldar: think I should hunt my 

[01:41:34] Eldar: dad a hundred percent. I 

[01:41:36] Eldar: think you should release 

[01:41:37] Eldar: him. I think your dad is stuck because of your anger. I. So I should go there with beer bodies.

[01:41:41] Eldar: It's fucking hot. No, I don't think you should go there anywhere. I think you should sit with yourself maybe in a dark room if you want, and fucking talk 

[01:41:48] Toliy: and take off your shirt. 

[01:41:50] Eldar: Yeah, that, that's fine. I thought about going there. I don't you. I don't think you have to go anywhere, Harris. See, that's why I disagree with your mom.

[01:41:58] Eldar: I think you should just really think about it. You know what I mean? And I actually, I don't, I don't even think that you need to talk to him. I think you need to talk to that person who did that, and I'll talk to yourself as to say, talk to your young self as to say, why did I take it on for what 

[01:42:11] Harris: my mom was like, you know, you need to, to, she had another idea.

[01:42:17] Harris: I think it was ridiculous. She goes, you need to go back to the ballpark. To the what? The ball to the ballpark. What is that? Where we went? Oh, okay. You need to relive some of the things you did with him. 

[01:42:29] Eldar: Okay. 

[01:42:31] Harris: And no, 

[01:42:31] Eldar: I think you could wash the tape. Let's wash the tape together. Mm, no, for sure. I think that can be cleansing and helping for you, so you couldn't move on.

[01:42:39] Harris: Yeah. The last time, that couple, I watched the tapes, it was just like, I, that's okay. I wa I walked out. 

[01:42:46] Eldar: But I think that, you know, again, what we're trying to do, Harris. Yeah, right. Is trying to give you a different perspective on the things that you've been experiencing. And I think that you we're supposed to do that because we're objective here.

[01:42:59] Eldar: We don't care about your dad. We don't care about what he did. Right. We try to evaluate the actions. Sure. The actions were bad in the beginning. He abused your mom and the family. It was very bad. But you did try to make amends despite the fact that he was still struggling with the things that he was struggling the end of the He was 

[01:43:15] Harris: very protective.

[01:43:16] Harris: Right. He was trying to, yeah. Because my mom did tell us theto some of the good stories, right? Yeah. Yeah. They were North Carolina. That's right. And a baby rattlesnake. Yeah. He shot it getting close to John, I remember. And he shot it. Yeah. Right. Uh, he did wanna make sure my mom was always protected. Right.

[01:43:33] Harris: Uh, he couldn't own the guns, but he made sure my mom went out there, bought a gun because North Carolina's a fucking crazy place. They lived around a lot of, yeah. Crazy People made sure she was always protected with the gun. Yeah. Made sure she knew how to use it. Protect herself. 

[01:43:46] Eldar: Sound, sound sounding like your dad was a pussy.

[01:43:49] Eldar: A big pussy. But that's okay. 

[01:43:51] Harris: You know what I mean? You know, uh, she did tell us it wasn't all bad shit. Right. There was funny stories. Yeah. How they were selling a property they owned. Yeah. And, uh, my dad had one of those big boas. Yeah. And they accidentally left the tank open. Mm-hmm. And, uh, the realtor left the door open by accident.

[01:44:11] Harris: The snake came out and got out of the fucking door. Real estate agent opened the fucking door wider, let it fucking go out of the fucking house and started freaking the fuck out and told, called them and said, Hey, I don't want the listing anymore. I'm fucking out. Hmm. Nice. You know, it was fucking funny stories too.

[01:44:26] Harris: Yeah, 

[01:44:26] Toliy: yeah. But like, it, it's, it, it, it's definitely hard to, to view in that kind of way. I think always. Um, like if someone's doing something bad or someone's abusing or someone's doing that. Like, like how do they feel internally? 

[01:44:41] Eldar: Yeah. 

[01:44:42] Toliy: Like they have to be in like a turmoil, worse place turmo. Correct. Yeah.

[01:44:45] Toliy: They have, they have to be in complete Then how does she turmoil? 

[01:44:47] Eldar: She, 

[01:44:50] Harris: that's what I, maybe I should ask her how she was able to Yeah. Endure everything. Let it go first. Endure it, and then let it go. 'cause she went through it. 

[01:44:59] Eldar: Because she's telling me I can't hold on to it. Does that mean she let everything go?

[01:45:04] Eldar: No, I think that you, 

[01:45:05] Eldar: your mom saw it clearly at the end, right? Your dad was trying. Sure. It, it took cancer and dying. And death. And death. Bad right. To do it. But nonetheless, he was trying to right his wrong, he was trying to right it as wrongs. Right. The gift giving, the saying, I'm sorry, the, I regret the fact that I didn't have more time with you guys.

[01:45:26] Eldar: Right. And I think your mom did do the right thing. She brought you guys over to show you that. Like, look, let's try to help him pass. You know, let's try to forgive him, you know? And 

[01:45:35] Harris: my dad, my dad was so, I think that your mom, my, my dad was against it, right? Yeah. He was like, don't go down there. Right. Yeah.

[01:45:42] Harris: Don't let it do it. Yeah. But I also felt like a part of it was he was worried he was gonna lose me. He was gonna lose. Yeah. 

[01:45:51] Eldar: Well, look, he lost 

[01:45:51] Eldar: John, right? He lost John way before that. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. But it was a potential that he could have lost you as well, because he developed a bond. Right. And now your dad is trying to do this.

[01:46:02] Eldar: Right. Like I 

[01:46:03] Harris: was talking to him when I was down there. Right. And he kept saying like, you know, don't forget, you know? Yeah. Who raised you? Uh, a father is someone that sperms you. Yeah. Creates you. Yeah. A dad is someone that raises you. Mm-hmm. It's a hundred percent his. My, my relationship with my father was never gonna 

[01:46:19] Eldar: replace you.

[01:46:20] Eldar: See, you're living these definitions. Yeah. You're living Right. You are living. But my somebody else's definitions about the world. 

[01:46:25] Harris: Yeah. But my relationship with my father was never gonna replace my dad. Right. Because he did raise me. He did teach me how to 

[01:46:30] Eldar: No, no, no. So the testimony you're giving me right now is actually telling me that you are in agreeance of what he was telling you this whole time.

[01:46:39] Eldar: Your dad mm-hmm. Brainwashed you into seeing the world the way he's seeing. 

[01:46:44] Eldar: Yeah. But nothing was gonna change my feelings towards him. I get that. But why then he had to reiterate it because he was 

[01:46:51] Eldar: afraid. Okay. He was afraid. You see that? As long as these are your feelings, these are your feelings. Yeah.

[01:46:59] Eldar: You understand? Mm-hmm. You don't want other people just to brainwash you into things to say like, okay, this is an adult saying, and I agree with them. No, you wanna make that make sense of the world on your own. Mm-hmm. And that comes, I think, through thinking, through critically thinking and really understanding what's right and what's wrong, you know, and reason and reasoning through these things.

[01:47:18] Toliy: Yeah. 'cause like if you, if you don't have that ability, like your life can fall apart, fall apart, like day to day. If you Yes, 

[01:47:27] Eldar: yes. One person says this. Yeah, I do this. One person says that I do that. No, but when does Harris or Barr gets to think for himself or for they self Fuck you man. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what I'm saying?

[01:47:40] Eldar: I didn't 

[01:47:40] Harris: work my shit. Yeah. 

[01:47:41] Eldar: Because ultimately that's what it's gonna come down to. Right? Why are you carrying this anger for 10 years? For what? W Is it justified now that you trying to become a thinker? Tell me, gimme something to hold onto that your dad was a liar and he, he was still an addict, already knew this.

[01:47:58] Harris: Oh, we already, well, you're always an addict. That's number one. 

[01:48:01] Eldar: Well, he's been an addict. He's been in pain. 

[01:48:03] Eldar: Relapse is always duh. High chance. Yeah. That's a normal phenomenon. What's the problem with that? That he was a liar. Sure. Okay. We knew that he was abuser. Yeah, sure. We knew that. Nonetheless, you went, you gave him a chance.

[01:48:17] Eldar: You knew all his baggage. Yeah, I did. He was already on his deathbed. He couldn't hurt anyone else by himself. 

[01:48:23] Eldar: Yeah.

[01:48:27] Eldar: So I don't anything you need to think about it. 

[01:48:32] Eldar: Right. I think you've been carrying somebody else's hatred and anger towards him. I need to confront that person. 

[01:48:39] Eldar: You need to ask him at least, hey, like, what was that all about? What did he do to you? Yeah. 

[01:48:46] Harris: Maybe you need to release your shit. 

[01:48:48] Eldar: Yeah. And I'm sure that that person's probably gonna say like, oh yeah, he cheated me here.

[01:48:54] Eldar: He, he fucked me here, and all this other stuff. But that's their experience. That's not your experience. Yeah. You went through your experience, you went through your share of abuse. You forgave him, you moved on. I mean, he didn't really abuse me. 

[01:49:08] Eldar: Oh, exactly. Even that, yeah. He abused your mom. Not you, but, but my mom got us out of there before.

[01:49:13] Eldar: Sure. He turned his sights. Yeah, sure. As she, someone can argue that you were 

[01:49:16] Eldar: abused because if you were, uh, in fear most of the time, right. When you heard his name or he's comment and stuff like that, he was psychological, psychological abuse. You know what I mean? Yeah. You can argue that. But nonetheless, you w you accepted his gifts, you accepted his apology.

[01:49:33] Eldar: You let him die and move on. How do you die peacefully? Like, 

[01:49:38] Harris: I mean, as peaceful as it can be. Right. Okay. Because I mean, he was doped up, like the experience, you know, when he did die, you know, of course I did cry, you know? Yeah. I went through that. Yeah. I couldn't watch him, you know, go, right. Yeah. You weren't there.

[01:49:52] Harris: I had to walk out. Okay. His eyes kept rolling in the back of his head. It's not something Yeah. You don't wanna see. No. That's scary. Sure. John and my aunt stayed with him. Mm-hmm. I left, I went back to my aunt's condo and Yeah. Yeah. You know, I, I, I couldn't witness it. Watching someone die slowly and fucking in pain.

[01:50:13] Harris: In pain, it's crazy. I had to get outta there. He was doped up on morphine. Yeah. After the shit he was saying. Did it make sense? Didn't make sense. Couldn't understand what he was trying to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kept saying the same thing I love, you know, like, yeah. Other shit was like, just straight blabber.

[01:50:27] Harris: Yeah. Blaber. Okay. I couldn't watch that. Okay. 

[01:50:30] Eldar: Yeah. All right. Yeah. So, yeah, sit with that. Think about it. I think there's a lot to unpack there for yourself. You know,

[01:50:47] Eldar: you 

[01:50:47] Harris: know it was going when we were going down there and I remember certain things, right? 

[01:50:51] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[01:50:51] Harris: We're going down there. We know he is. Time is coming to an end. 

[01:50:54] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[01:50:55] Harris: Okay. You got, you probably don't believe in like, uh, do you believe in like, there's signs that it's gonna happen soon. Do you believe in that type of thing?

[01:51:05] Harris: Like you're, you know, that person signs, there are 

[01:51:07] Eldar: signs. I believe in them. Yes. 

[01:51:08] Harris: We were driving down to, uh, yeah. For 10 hours and seven times, right? Mm-hmm. Seven times the same song came on. It was the Paul Walker song, you know, in the movie where it's like, until we see you again, I believe you. Oh, okay.

[01:51:20] Harris: Until, yeah. Yeah. Until we see you again. Yeah. That song kept coming on. It came on seven times. Yeah. And we were all thinking the same thing. Right? Yeah. Time's coming to an an. Yeah. And my aunt put that song in the actual memorial. Yeah. They created a whole trip. You pictures from when we were kids.

[01:51:40] Harris: Pictures of our time down there with him. Pictures of my father doing goofy shit with do goofy faces. Yeah. And you know, before he, this guy did that. Yeah. You know, I used to watch this and I used to laugh. Right. Yeah. You know, look back on it after, and then just turn to hatred every time I saw it. 

[01:51:57] Eldar: Yeah. I think your next level on up is to be able to laugh at it again and enjoy yourself

[01:52:04] Eldar: and maybe get a little, a little bit of a boner. 

[01:52:07] Harris: What's wrong with you? What? Oh 

[01:52:09] Harris: man. 

[01:52:09] Harris: Like I used to look at, there's one picture that used to crack me up, right? Yeah. I'm not saying it was appropriate to do. Yeah. But my grandfather's, uh, my grandfather's friend. Okay. Gave my dad an unloaded handgun. Okay. Gave him a fedora uhhuh dressed up.

[01:52:25] Harris: And he is holding that with a fucking cigar in his mouth. Uhhuh fucking holding the gun. Yeah. It was fucking funny. Like this guy, a fucking mobster dressed motherfucker. Yeah. You know, and it used to be funny. Okay. And he used to make me crack up like shit. There you go. The other thing was his stupid tongue out of the mouth.

[01:52:45] Harris: That's his thing. It was like, yeah. Was like six 

[01:52:48] Harris: picture pictures there outta 

[01:52:50] Harris: there, like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing goofy shit. I remember from my birthday. Yeah. Uh, he sent me pictures. He was in Myrtle Beach. He's dressed in like these masks shirt, halfway zip, you know, like happy birthdays on, you know.

[01:53:04] Harris: Yeah. No, that's good. Listen, 

[01:53:07] Eldar: good stuff. You know, I'm not saying your dad is an angel. 

[01:53:12] Harris: I wish I still, uh, you know, like when I still, I kept his voicemails. Mm-hmm. Right. Oh, really? I kept the old phone. I ended up throwing the old phone away after all this shit happened. Yeah. But I had the old phone with all the voicemails that he left, like, 

[01:53:28] Eldar: yeah.

[01:53:28] Harris: Hey Harris, it's it's daddy. Mm-hmm. You know, uh, I love you. Call me. Mm-hmm. You know, and I used to listen to them. Yeah. After that, I, I destroyed the phone. 

[01:53:38] Eldar: Mm-hmm. You were practicing Buddhism, not an 

[01:53:43] Harris: attachment through anger after everything. Like, I destroyed the tools he gave me. I threw 'em out. Yeah. I, I, everything I had Right.

[01:53:53] Harris: I gave all the shit of his to John. Yeah. 

[01:53:57] Eldar: I think you were supposed to, you weren't thinking you were just a kid who was brainwashing to doing something. No, you were that suicide bomber in Afghanistan. Oh, fuck you man. Well, it's what? It's, they put you on, they put you on. 

[01:54:12] Eldar: You don't know what you're doing, you're just gonna go do it

[01:54:20] Eldar: good or no? Yeah. Good. So, Mike, what do you have? Nothing. Wow. You made ma made Mike's speech. This, bro, that means you onto something. Totally. No, I mean, I think we did discussed a lot. Yeah. So

[01:54:44] Eldar: yeah, the topic is, I 

[01:54:45] Eldar: guess, um, we have to be very careful, uh, of which worldview we adapt or adopt. Sorry. Not 

[01:54:55] Eldar: let people get in our heads. 

[01:54:56] Eldar: Yeah. We get in our, the, the people that get into our heads could be detrimental to our health. Right. And if we don't have our faculty to reason, reason, things through is like, okay, does this feel good?

[01:55:09] Eldar: Does that feel good? No. Like, if you don't know these things, like does this serve me? Does this not serve me? How is this gonna affect me? Will it affect me? If we can't distinguish between the two, we have to be very careful mm-hmm. What 

[01:55:23] Warren: people say. Yeah. 

[01:55:24] Eldar: You know what I'm saying? Yeah. For everyone, your mom, your dad, us, everyone.

[01:55:33] Eldar: I always warn people gotta be very careful because we're, the way we're set up is that one day. We could be these nice little fucking, you know, Peter Pan fucking heroes. You know what I mean? The other hand, we could be angry and upset and angry and letting out our frustration. You know what I mean? We're very fluid all the time.

[01:55:54] Eldar: We're not stagnant. You know, it's very hard to be constantly in a meditative state of perfect fucking balance. We talked about balance last week. 

[01:56:04] Warren: Yeah. 

[01:56:04] Eldar: So you gotta be careful all the time. You know? 

[01:56:08] Harris: I don't feel like you gotta be careful with you guys. 

[01:56:11] Eldar: Huh? 

[01:56:11] Eldar: I don't 

[01:56:11] Harris: feel like you gotta be careful with you 

[01:56:12] Eldar: guys.

[01:56:13] Eldar: You said us. No, no. You have to be careful with us as well, because we, people, I am subjected to being, you know, vulnerable and heard, and you're the 

[01:56:22] Harris: person that can get 

[01:56:23] Eldar: hurt. Man. Whatcha talking about, man, I have my moments. You're the prophet man. I have my moments as well. Everyone has these moments, right?

[01:56:31] Eldar: So I'm saying that you have to be careful. You have to be very careful and wary, right? Almost paranoid as to what you're listening to. It's a good thing to be a little bit paranoid and skeptical. See what works, what doesn't. Try little things, dabble here and there, and then see whether or not it feels good or doesn't.

[01:56:48] Eldar: Right? Don't just adapt, adopt people's understanding or worldview, just because it's, it's a popular by demand because the world says it. You know? Just be careful. Yeah. You know, one day you will have your own faculty, which is gonna be able to guide you. To this process of life where it's like, I know what serves me, what doesn't, you know what I mean?

[01:57:14] Eldar: And when it does, you'll stand on your own two feet and you'll see that becoming extremely angry, holding resentment, doubt, fear, regret, all those things don't serve you. So anybody who's pedaling those things to you right, is probably trying to infect you with their own disease. You understand? Yeah. This is why one of the easiest wins for you, paradoxically.

[01:57:47] Eldar: The most. The hardest is to be nice. 'cause the truth of the matter is you are gremlin. Yeah. I guess I gotta let things go in order to do that. Your gremlin, you're trying to be nice and you're doing a good, you try to not, I'm gonna say you're doing a good job, but you're trying to be nice. But because you are filled with subconscious ideology probably of someone else, you're not nice.

[01:58:15] Eldar: Thank 

[01:58:15] Eldar: you. You're welcome. I'm, I'm glad you're thanking me for telling you the truth. Is that why you're telling me? Thank you? Yeah. Oh, okay. Cool. 

[01:58:24] Harris: I also have to work on a lot of stuff. You know, I gotta thank long and hard. I might need to borrow Joe's Cabin and go off the grid. Yeah. 

[01:58:32] Eldar: Yeah, no problem. 

[01:58:33] Eldar: That's a range.

[01:58:33] Eldar: He's listening to it right now. He said, no problem. Go. He didn't say that. No, I'm telling you. I mean, listen, if Joe is tuned in into the truth, he's gonna say, no problem. I might need to go off here, but he might have to talk to his dad, which is, he's a weirdo too, so, you know, but I think he'll 

[01:58:45] Eldar: do a good job.

[01:58:46] Harris: I, I think I might need to, I keep talking about that, right? Yeah. That I wanna leave my phone behind. That's interesting, right? 

[01:58:52] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[01:58:52] Harris: That I, I, well, I see like certain celebrities, right? If you 

[01:58:57] Eldar: can't go there, I'll, I'll send you to a place, it's called Kapa. We've all been there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I actually 

[01:59:03] Toliy: never been there.

[01:59:04] Toliy: I wanna get the 

[01:59:04] Eldar: fuck outta here. No, you've never 

[01:59:06] Eldar: been there with us. I, I wanna, why are you, 

[01:59:08] Harris: I kept talking about that. I said talk about that all the time. Like is I wanna throw my phone out, you know? Mm-hmm. Not throwing my phone out, not throwing my phone out, not throwing my phone out. Be careful, but leave it at home.

[01:59:20] Harris: Right. Leave it at home. Yes. Go to the woods or something for several 

[01:59:26] Eldar: days. Right. 

[01:59:27] Harris: Okay, 

[01:59:27] Eldar: guys. There you go. Harris. You don't have to say anything else, because I'll read your mind going forward. You see this? Mm-hmm. This is when it's okay. Mm-hmm. 

[01:59:36] Harris: You know, and Mike's like, oh, we'll send you camping. Right? We'll leave you there.

[01:59:39] Harris: I'm like, that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to, I didn't say that. Yo, you did say that once. Yes you did. Let's go camping. I'll drive you over there right now. You did say that, that that was 

[01:59:48] Mike: for bus your balls, man. That wasn't for No, but I was like, yo, 

[01:59:51] Harris: I'm like, you know, that's why I said, Joe, let me use your cabin for a couple days.

[01:59:56] Harris: I wanna go off the grid. 

[01:59:57] Eldar: You see this? Mm-hmm. I think when it's for educational purposes mm-hmm. Going back to our original topic 

[02:00:03] Mike: Yeah. 

[02:00:04] Eldar: We are ready and able to go on a meditative state Yeah. To learn something about ourselves. Yeah. And that is why it's a completely normal experience to finally clear our mind and say, you know what, who the fuck am I?

[02:00:17] Eldar: Why am I here? You know? Right. And when you do go through that process Right. Then you could come out and share, 

[02:00:23] Toliy: you know, I, I, yeah. I feel like I remember if you're, if if yeah. If you're by yourself, experience doesn't lead to wanting to have more experiences with others, then it was a bad experience. 

[02:00:34] Harris: Oh, that's a crazy quote.

[02:00:36] Harris: I remember. Yeah. I went camping. Right. I ended up going camping with John. Mm-hmm. Right. It was one of the nice brother things we did. Right? Mm-hmm. Did you guys camp in the same tent? We did. Did you guys have to see? No. Okay. Fine. But no, we, we ended up going fishing, you know? Yeah. No devices, no nothing. Yeah.

[02:00:56] Harris: And we ended up clearing our minds. Right. We did talking, we, yeah, we did all this stuff. Sure. We had the kids at some point, right. Yeah. But eventually, you know, we left the kids in the tent. Yeah. Me and him went into the water. Right. We fished. Yeah, we talked. Yeah. We kind of, yeah, we had a good time. Yeah. It was peaceful, you know, and, uh, yeah.

[02:01:16] Harris: I wanna, what, what kind of seal did you guys use? 

[02:01:19] Eldar: What 

[02:01:19] Eldar: seal? Whatcha talking about? Seal, you know, a seal, you know how they like have a stamp. Did you guys seal it with like a kiss or something or what's wrong with you bro? No, I'm just asking me and John the seal, you know, what did you say? Me and John Seal, you know, you gonna have to seal something 

[02:01:35] Harris: like a Yeah, like a, I, you know, we went fishing, we did all these things, right?

[02:01:39] Harris: Yeah. And, you know, it was peaceful. Yeah. And I think if I go out in the woods, no cell phone service, you know? Listen, sounds like we're going back camping, Mike. Yeah. This year finally. Wow. You know, it was peaceful and Yeah. You know what, it's that there's nothing to that. The peaceful, there's no one calling me up saying, Hey, this is what's going on.

[02:02:01] Harris: It's, we 

[02:02:01] Mike: hear, we hear it. We here at Harris. Mike, go ahead. I was saying it's funny that we hear you Harris, right now for, for probably most people, the chaos that we live in Yeah. Of not being slowed down is peaceful because the actual piece Yeah. 

[02:02:14] Is 

[02:02:15] Eldar: too 

[02:02:15] Mike: scary 

[02:02:15] Eldar: of Well, sure. You know, of course. But when able to, sometimes you see this Yes.

[02:02:19] Eldar: When you get into these zones and there's these introspective Yeah. Arenas. Yeah. You are like, yo, I want to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, deep inside your soul's like, yo, I wanna do that. Oh, this is this soul thing. For sure. I, I remember going 

[02:02:32] Harris: there and I told John, I like, uh, I could buy a camper right now and I could park it right there and just fucking live out right there.

[02:02:38] Harris: It was peaceful. Yeah. Ah, it's peaceful. I enjoyed we we ended up cooking right there. Yeah. On a grill over the fire and like hot dogs and stuff. Don't go into like the, the, the, the weird details. No, I'm just saying hotdog and stuff. It was peaceful. Yeah. 

[02:02:50] Eldar: You didn't have to worry about anything else when you, when you brought the hot dogs 

[02:02:54] Eldar: into your mouth.

[02:02:54] Eldar: Oh, here 

[02:02:54] Toliy: we go, man. You didn't say you had to do something along and it hard. Oh, fuck you bro. 

[02:02:59] Harris: But no, you know. Wait, how, how many g 

[02:03:01] Toliy: Lizzies 

[02:03:02] Harris: did you have in your mouth at the same time? Oh my God. I didn't think about call. I didn't think about calling anyone uhhuh, you know? Yeah. I had no cell phone service.

[02:03:10] Harris: No one was calling me, telling me about shit. 

[02:03:11] Eldar: Listen, we have a perfect place. We're gonna go camping this year. Where's the perfect place because of you? Where's the first? And guess what this is will be your place forward. I was always 

[02:03:20] Harris: told someone here didn't like camping. 

[02:03:22] Eldar: Well, trust me, he's gonna go camping this time to loves camping.

[02:03:25] Eldar: Catherine doesn't 

[02:03:26] Mike: like camping. Catherine to loves camping. He likes taking shits in the woods, bro. And, 

[02:03:29] Eldar: and, and we go camping. We really camp. Yeah, yeah, 

[02:03:32] Harris: yeah. 

[02:03:33] Eldar: We maybe fish. We camp out 

[02:03:34] Harris: nicely. 

[02:03:35] Eldar: We do it the right way. Nice 

[02:03:36] Harris: place to go fishing too, man. Yeah, 

[02:03:38] Eldar: yeah, yeah. Oh no. There's this fishing spot right there.

[02:03:40] Eldar: The spot. Yeah. There's fishing spot. We're gonna do it all. And guess what? We have fishing rods. 

[02:03:44] Toliy: When, when, when are we going and finishing with Morat? We're supposed to be doing the stop changing the subject, man. Yeah, 

[02:03:48] Eldar: yeah. Stop changing the subject. Yeah. It's more important man. 

[02:03:51] Mike: Maybe Uncle Joe. Get, get the green light for camping too.

[02:03:54] Mike: Oh, Joe. Yeah, of course he will. Joe, Joe would 

[02:03:56] Eldar: do 

[02:03:56] Mike: this 

[02:03:56] Eldar: one. A hundred percent. He'll 

[02:03:57] Mike: bring the 

[02:03:57] Eldar: kid. Yeah. Alana loves camping. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's right. She loves camping. She's all about nature. She's from the other side. Yes. The north side. Yeah. 

[02:04:07] Harris: I think back. Yeah. That's the only like, uh, thing that was able to get my mind off of everything.

[02:04:12] Harris: Yeah. And just take out the water. 

[02:04:15] Eldar: Yeah. We have a, we have a packed ja packed summer Bermuda camping. Holy shit. We might have to go to Atlanta. When is that? UFC card? June, like 14th or 15th. You want to go? The fucking ticket is $79. We're on a trip. You guys wanna go? Sure. How much? $79. That's it. Yeah, let's go.

[02:04:35] Eldar: Yeah, 

[02:04:35] Mike: that's the weekend. Wait, hold, hold 

[02:04:36] Harris: up, hold up. 'cause we also got wars thing around that 

[02:04:38] Mike: time. No, that's the 19th. That's the next week. Jam packed. Summer jam packed man. Yeah. No. So we got wars thing. Yeah, we do have, I 

[02:04:44] Harris: promise. War I'd be there. War I'm gonna be there. Yes, we're gonna be there. 

[02:04:47] Mike: That's a Thursday or something.

[02:04:48] Mike: Oh, okay. Good. We'll be there. Yeah. 

[02:04:50] Eldar: That's a, that's a fun, that's a fun time. That's fun. 

[02:04:52] Mike: Yeah. 

[02:04:52] Harris: It's on, uh, 

[02:04:53] Mike: Juneteenth June 19th. Yeah. Juneteenth. 

[02:04:55] Eldar: Do I say it like that? It's on Juneteenth. So we're off. Alright, we're off. Okay. If a Jewish, if USBS 

[02:05:00] Eldar: was off, we off. Alright, let's go around. Let's say our final thoughts about the topic where happiness is shared.

[02:05:08] Eldar: Why is it shared? Then we went into acceptance. Mm-hmm. And seeing things for what they are and not allowing others to brainwash into their form of thinking. Especially if it's a negative one. Right. Like, anger can even brainwash you into like, Hey Harris, you should fucking go to more water parks because you're, you know, your dad left you with such a gift.

[02:05:26] Eldar: You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. No, you should be angry for the next 10 years and resentful, you know, what are we saying? 

[02:05:32] Mike: Well, the thing is, what you said is two, two different topics for two different weeks. One is mm-hmm. Forgiveness. Yeah. And the second one is learning how to be, uh, critical thinking and not taking what people say I like, I don't want to say maybe one ear out the other, which is maybe not the right thing to use, but more so before you let it in your ear and into your head 

[02:06:00] Eldar: Yeah.

[02:06:02] Mike: Analyze it before you attach anything to it. Yeah. So I think that's, that's a big topic and I think that's a good one. 

[02:06:07] Eldar: Yeah. I think how Right. Like how do you interpret stuff like that? Yeah. 'cause you are 17 years old. Yeah. I You are underdeveloped. Yeah. You are on heavy medication. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You looking at this guy who supposedly knows something, you know, he's, he's, he's an an adult's Adult.

[02:06:23] Eldar: Yeah. He's an adult. Tell me anything. Put your dick in my mouth. I'll suck. Suck it. What? Whoa. Whoa. That's what happens. He's sick. Fuck man. Put happens sometimes. He put his angry dick in his mouth. Man, what is wrong? He sucked it. 

[02:06:34] Harris: Yo, what is wrong with you? He a demon out of 

[02:06:38] Toliy: him. 

[02:06:38] Harris: He sucked a demon outta him.

[02:06:39] Harris: Well, fuck you man. Sick fuck. Mike is right. 

[02:06:46] Mike: Yeah. And I think that's the key to, uh, a big part of liberation is being able to use fi, use critical thinking. Yeah. That's, that's a critical thing. But I said that's a, that's a like a whole topic for another week. 

[02:07:00] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:07:00] Mike: Um, there you go. You got the topic for that forgiveness and, and this thing of critical thinking.

[02:07:05] Mike: Yeah. Leveling up. 

[02:07:06] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:07:06] Mike: Because all of our lives we're gonna have people who are in our ears. That's right. You have a mom, you have a dad, you have a wife, friends, you have friends, everyone. We're all in everybody's ears. And a lot of times Yes, we wish good for each other. Yeah. I think there's what, this is what others said, but yeah.

[02:07:20] Mike: A lot of times we ham hug each other. That's right. We bully each other. Yeah. We say, yo, do this for me. Come help me with this. Or, you know. Yeah. Uh, not understanding like, Hey, my friend is tired, or, you know, oh, my friend 

[02:07:33] Eldar: is oppressing, likes to overeat and he is hungry. Right. So he is gonna fucking bully you into fucking going to a place that No, it's noon, man.

[02:07:39] Eldar: Yeah, exactly. What you doing for lunch? Yo, they have that all you can eat buffet place, man. Oh, sushi 

[02:07:44] Harris: X man, you gotta fucking try it. So we're going. Right. 

[02:07:47] Eldar: Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. That's what examples 

[02:07:50] Mike: expecting, man. So we, oh, we, we have that. Mm-hmm. But sometimes our friends, we as individuals could be compromised, you know, and we may not have the best intentions for ourselves or others because we could be compromised.

[02:08:03] Mike: We could be feeling down, we could be sick ourselves, you know, we could get bad sleep and we can't give, uh, can't give the right advice, best version of ourselves. That's right. And give the right advice or extend compassion. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I think that that is a huge, huge thing. And being able to interpret ourselves, our friends, the people around us.

[02:08:23] Mike: And see things for what they are. That's huge. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like, uh, for somebody, if we, if me and you got into a fight, like we had like some, maybe some kind of argument disagreement, right? I'm not sure. We probably had like something small, but for some people that might be big and they'd be like, you know what, fuck this guy.

[02:08:40] Mike: I don't want to be friends with him anymore. You know? Yeah. Um, but if we understand each other, like a lot of times, like Harris, you could be disrespectful, right? But I'm not taking it personal because I know where you're coming from. I know that you don't know any better, and I know this is where you're at, but I also know what we're trying to build, what we're trying to build here, we we're trying to do for, for yourself and for each other.

[02:09:00] Mike: So if me getting upset and taking it personal, it's definitely possible. If I'm in a low state, if I'm tired, exhausted, I have problems somewhere else, you know? But the goal is to really see it for what it is. Like you seeing that guy that he didn't know any better. 

[02:09:17] Eldar: Yeah. Also didn't know any better. He didn't 

[02:09:19] Mike: know any better.

[02:09:20] Mike: He put you on. Yeah. But that's all he knew. I told you did too. Do you want perpetuate that cycle or do you want to actually live like a, a happy life, your own life and your own life and you making the choices of what it's gonna be and what kind of not him images of your dad you're gonna have. Yeah. Yeah.

[02:09:36] Mike: The good memories, the bad, you know? Yeah. Your choice. Yeah. 

[02:09:40] Eldar: You know? And people who don't have a horse in a race like myself, in that moment when we went to that place to eat, I gave you my objective truth about what happened. So why do you carry this anger, right? Yeah. And you're lucky enough to have me in this moment to be able to challenge you to say, Hey, like, let it go.

[02:10:00] Eldar: This is my reasons. What, what happened? I didn't know. Well, no. When we went out to eat, I don't know how the conversation came about, about his, he went with totally me. And you guys weren't Yeah. You guys weren't there. We went somewhere. Yeah, we went together. Me, him, and Tom. Okay. And he started telling me about this.

[02:10:12] Eldar: I don't even remember how it came about. Oh, it he came out. Yeah. You know, and I gave him my, my take on it. Like, yeah, why are you caring that? Is this serving you? Ask them, you know? Mm. And I think that's what's important. You know, sometimes that you might not see certain things that your friends who care for you, right?

[02:10:28] Eldar: Mm-hmm. Or care for the truth, let's just say have the ability to be objective. 

[02:10:32] Warren: Mm-hmm. 

[02:10:33] Eldar: They don't care. So I'll tell you the truth. Yeah. This is affecting you in a negative way because I wish you Well, be nice Harris. Be nice when you're nice. You're smiling, you're making jokes, you're having fun with everyone.

[02:10:45] Eldar: You know, you're being a servant. It's a good thing you're serving others. You know what I mean? Um, but when you are gremlin, when you're angry, it's a very specific energy. Yeah. I don't wanna see that in you, so I give that to you. 

[02:10:57] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[02:10:57] Eldar: But you need to work through that process for yourself to remove that.

[02:11:01] Eldar: So you're like, you know what, I'm not gonna let that hold me. Yeah. Or control me anymore. Yeah. You know, so, yeah. So it's a good point. That, but, but like Mike said, and I said, sometimes your friends are not on that floor. Be careful of their friends as well. Certain friends we're No, all the friends. All friends.

[02:11:21] Eldar: All people at certain times we're humans. We're all human, and we have these ups and downs. We're on the rollercoaster. Right. The good thing is we're not all on the same rollercoaster at the same time. Mm-hmm. So if you have a reasonable mind in me, good, I'm gonna be on point for X amount of time.

[02:11:42] Eldar: Sometimes I'll fall. Right. I'll have a dip. Guess what? Totally. I was on a different flow. He will be on point and he'll fall on certain times, but that time when he falls, I might not fall. And vice versa. When I fall, he'll be on point. So if you have good friends around you, you can find someone objectively give you the truth for the truth that it is.

[02:12:08] Eldar: Yeah, that's, that's the beauty of having friends, especially the good ones. And it keeps going. Mike is reasonable. I'm reasonable. Totally is 

[02:12:17] Harris: reasonable. Like this shit I talked to you guys about, right? Yeah. I can't talk about it. It's the funny part. I can't talk about it that way with Crispy. You know why?

[02:12:27] Eldar: Because we're good at what we do and Crispy is not yet tuned in into this thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. We've been 

[02:12:34] Harris: doing this Harris for a very long time because when I do talk to him about it. He starts making jokes. Right. He tries to get my mind off of it. '

[02:12:42] Eldar: cause he's not okay with it. He's not comfortable with it.

[02:12:44] Eldar: Yeah. He's not comfortable the way he deals with things. He's make jokes, which is okay. Mm-hmm. Accept him for who he is. I am, no, I am slowly, you know, it's great at tomorrow, right? He's coming to vacation with us. Guess what? We're gonna challenge his ass. We're gonna find out who the fuck this guy is. This guy's a weirdo.

[02:13:00] Eldar: We already know that. Oh. But trust me, we're gonna find out who he is. 

[02:13:03] Toliy: Right. Right now he may just be Yeah. As a good tool for, for to suck the demon out of you. Yes. What is wrong? 

[02:13:10] Eldar: But one day we'll find out what, what? 

[02:13:12] Harris: Well, I kinda, you know, I, I I know you guys are gonna put the fucking screw stone. 

[02:13:17] Eldar: We're gonna find out.

[02:13:18] Eldar: Yeah. What I'm saying is that you can leverage people around you for the better, but you'll have to just pay attention. Mm-hmm. Sometimes I'm on point, sometimes totally on point. Sometimes Mike's on point. You know what I mean? All of us cannot be not on point at the same time. It's impossible. I know 

[02:13:35] Toliy: why. I just pictured we're, we're in Bermuda.

[02:13:39] Toliy: Mm-hmm. It's early morning, like probably, probably like 7:00 AM ish. Mike's outside, like whi whi whisking the egg with his leg, with his legs. Yeah. And then I just pictured Tommy sitting there and then crispy just on, on top of his shoulders, sitting on top of him and they're both just, what the fuck?

[02:13:54] Toliy: Looking at the sun rocket. 

[02:13:56] Eldar: Did you fix up? 

[02:13:57] Toliy: That's not how it went at all, bro. 

[02:13:59] Harris: That's not how it went. You know what, in Bermuda? Yeah, I know how 

[02:14:03] Harris: it went, right? Yeah. I wake up. No one else is up, but Mike, he's sitting on the terrace smoking a cigarette. Yeah. I always knew like couple days into it. Yeah. Like I'd go outside, I'd wake up and there's Mike in the same place smoking a cigarette, drinking his coffee.

[02:14:17] Harris: That's my meditation. Yeah. I go, 

[02:14:19] Harris: yeah. I go join him and then me and him for the next hour and a half would be sitting there shooting the shit and then, uh, totally wakes up. 

[02:14:25] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:14:26] Harris: Then you wake up. 

[02:14:27] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:14:28] Mike: And then Tom wakes up. Yeah. Tom never wakes up. Yeah. That's my, that's my meditation. And then I'd be shooting the shit with Mike 

[02:14:34] Harris: sitting there looking at the fucking ocean.

[02:14:37] Harris: Yeah. Fucking 

[02:14:37] Eldar: shooting it, bro. That's, that's awesome. That, that makes me excited. Yeah. I don't wanna get excited rarely now, but that gets me excited because I know that everyone's having a good time. Yeah. You know, you know, in their own way. 

[02:14:49] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[02:14:49] Eldar: In their own time, you know, in their own ways, so. Totally.

[02:14:56] Eldar: What are your final thoughts? 

[02:14:57] Mike: I also wanted to add one, uh, one thing about. You have a lot to say today. No, actually I don't have anything to say today. Okay. We we're talking about this, Harris, I 

[02:15:06] Eldar: have a fart coming. Do you wanna suck it? I don't. Okay, fine. We're we're talking about it's always feeling a little 

[02:15:10] Mike: ill.

[02:15:11] Mike: He might want it. Okay, fine. We're talking about this in the end. And I think e every time we always have a podcast, it's always like, the same for me. The same thing. Yeah. What's uh, what's like, uh, we always talk about, and it's, it's the same phenomenon every time of how everything is designed like such a sick way.

[02:15:29] Mike: Yeah. Like nature, you know, Harris now wanting to go to nature. Why is he gravitating towards it? Like why is everybody always gravitate when they're able to slow down these things towards the best things for themselves, for everybody. Just like a Yeah. Universal truth. Yeah. You know? And guess what? And guess what?

[02:15:46] Eldar: I have not been excited about going camping for a very long time. Really? I'm excited to go camping because I want to experience it yet. Yeah. See with Harris 

[02:15:54] Mike: experience. Yeah. You understand? Because 

[02:15:56] Eldar: I've experienced it many times. Yeah. I love camping. Yeah, I know. I love it. Yeah. I know when I go in there, I'm gonna fucking thrive.

[02:16:03] Eldar: Yeah. See, see. And, and he'll see that and I'll see that, what he will be seeing in that moment. And I'll enjoy that process. See, I, that's the sharing that we're talking about. I love my phone. Right. But I'm going there. That's 

[02:16:15] Mike: also, but that's also, again, that's nature. That's like innate in us. That's recollection of assault.

[02:16:19] Mike: Yes. We we're the way that we're designed. Yeah. Like it's supposed to be like this. Yeah, totally. Like we have to be together. This is, yeah. We can't survive like. 

[02:16:27] Harris: When, and you know how I am about my phone, right. I don't wanna let it go, but it's something that the couple times I did go camping. Yeah. I forgot about the phone.

[02:16:35] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:16:36] Harris: I was fishing, I was sitting by a fire. I was mm-hmm. 

[02:16:39] Mike: Yeah. 

[02:16:40] Harris: Shooting the shit. I was enjoying myself. Yeah. And I didn't think about my phone once. Mm-hmm. 

[02:16:43] Mike: And then you'll find out you can actually forget about your phone without going camping. And then, but it's the one, one thing about the camping that's different episode.

[02:16:49] Mike: I, I 

[02:16:50] Harris: don't care about my phone. I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Like in Bermuda, right? Yeah. I don't think about my phone. Yeah. I'm jumping off a cliff. I'm on the boat. 

[02:16:58] Mike: Yeah. 

[02:16:59] Eldar: You 

[02:16:59] Harris: know, I'm shooting the shit. Yeah. But then you, you off, 

[02:17:03] Mike: you can go camping right here every single day. 

[02:17:06] Eldar: Yes. That's a different level.

[02:17:07] Eldar: Different, different. Mike, can you please stop throwing riddles at him? I'm sorry. Harris. 

[02:17:11] Harris: Like I used to see like Right. Brittany's brother-in-law. 

[02:17:15] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:17:16] Harris: His type of thing. Right. 

[02:17:18] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:17:18] Harris: His get away from everything. Right. Uh, I'm going for the night, I'm going out, I'm going fishing. I'll be back. He's having a hard time with something.

[02:17:27] Harris: Yeah. Right. First thing he'll do is I'm, I'm going hunting or I'm going fishing for the night. I'll be back tomorrow morning. 

[02:17:33] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:17:35] Harris: And he will camp. And I look at him, I'm like, yeah, what's up with that? Yeah. Sometimes I just need to get away. Yeah. 

[02:17:42] Mike: Everybody needs peace. And he did this a lot, dude. Unless he was going in there and banging some 

[02:17:48] Harris: hookers.

[02:17:48] Harris: Oh my god. No. You know, he, he did this a lot. He explained he was banging fish. He explained like, this is my piece. Right. If I'm having a hard, hard time in life, I'm. I'm forgetting everything. Yeah. I'm leaving my phone. In the car, I'm going and I experienced it with John. See, this is not the reason why I'm going.

[02:18:06] Harris: Yeah. Right. No, but I experienced it and I understood where he was coming from. Okay. 

[02:18:12] Eldar: Alright. I think you might need it for maybe those types of reasons right. To clear your head a little bit, but mm-hmm. At least I'm going for a different reason now to experience 

[02:18:23] Harris: what I go through. 

[02:18:25] Eldar: Well, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to experience what you go through, but I'm gonna try to imagine some of the experiences through your point of view and enjoy that process.

[02:18:35] Eldar: I'll say 

[02:18:36] Toliy: anything in life, if you can observe it through your point of view, is automatically enjoyable. 

[02:18:40] Harris: Yes. Like, I remember right, everyone went to bed and I was, whoa, don't say nothing like that, you know? No, don't everyone went to bed, John and Brittany, right? They're like, yeah, we're tired, we're gonna go to bed.

[02:18:53] Harris: Mm-hmm. I was sitting there right in the chair just looking at the water. 

[02:18:56] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:18:56] Harris: For like two hours. Yeah. Well, guess what? 

[02:18:59] Eldar: The place that we're gonna take you all 

[02:19:03] Harris: that 

[02:19:03] Eldar: 10 

[02:19:03] Harris: x is it at least deep. 'cause this place we went to is like the water. Didn't even get that deep. Dude. 

[02:19:09] Eldar: You wanna the lake we go to? Yeah.

[02:19:10] Eldar: The, the, the, the lake that we go to is sick. Yeah. It's, this ain't Ringwood. And if 

[02:19:17] Mike: you, if you get lucky. Yeah. About 10 years ago, maybe 15 years ago. I took her shit in that lake. The fuck, maybe you, 

[02:19:24] Harris: you took a shit in the lake. You pulled It's a fossil. You pulled the Tom. Yeah. You don't remember? Yes. You don't remember in Bermuda?

[02:19:33] Harris: No. I remember, yes. Tom swam out by, he did, bro. He's like, oh, I gotta 

[02:19:37] Harris: take a shit. And, uh, you know, we, me we're the thing, Mike and Eldar, we, we climb, we climbed the rocks when we came back. Mm-hmm. Tom was coming out of the water, like fixing his shorts or something. Oh yes. Oh yes. I remember that now. Yes. It was at the house.

[02:19:52] Eldar: I have a video test. No, it wasn't bro. No it wasn't. It was the, we finished, we climbed the boat 

[02:19:56] Harris: Weed. No, it wasn't on the boat. It wasn't on the boat. We climbed the rock. Remember I was holding on Uhhuh and he was like on the beach before we left. He's like, oh man, I gotta take a shit. And like to him to go to the bathroom.

[02:20:05] Harris: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go in the water that summer. The uh, and, and we came back and Tom was coming outta the water, fixing his shorts and shit. And like, Tom, did you do it? I like a smile on his face, you know, like, yeah, yeah, 

[02:20:17] Toliy: yeah. No, I was saying, yeah, Bermuda and then, um, what's it called? Uh, Atlanta potentially.

[02:20:23] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:20:24] Toliy: And then, uh, Warren's thing and then camping. 

[02:20:26] Eldar: Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited. I'm actually excited. I am too, man. I don't really get excited. That's probably 

[02:20:34] Eldar: the first. Well, what were your final thoughts, Toley? 

[02:20:37] Eldar: He said I didn't have any. Yeah. Didn't have any. Harris, what are your final thoughts? 

[02:20:42] Harris: Got a lot of work, uh, ahead of me, and I gotta think deep about, whoa.

[02:20:47] Harris: Why do you always gotta make it weird, deep, deep? Uh, I gotta think about everything. 

[02:20:53] Eldar: Mm-hmm. We just talked about, man, it's, see, listen, 

[02:20:57] Eldar: these are my final thoughts, and the truth is, is, um, anytime anybody has to take deeply after oh, a podcast, right? Because they can, it, you know, you are reflecting or whatever, if it could potentially change your life for the better.

[02:21:13] Eldar: Are you kidding me? This is gold. Yeah. So, I'm excited to hear some of your findings after you've sat down and thought about it, because if it can change your life 0.00, oh, oh, oh 1%, that's a fucking win. Not even 1%, 

[02:21:33] Harris: because I don't wanna, it's a win. I don't want to have to think about it anymore. And every time That's right, I see a picture of him.

[02:21:38] Harris: That's right. I get pissed off, or I hear his favorite songs come on and I'm like, 

[02:21:42] Eldar: I think that it should bring you joy. Right? Like, you used to look at the stuff and you, like, you reflect on it. Like, yo, this is fun, this is great. If you can take that back with you again, it'll serve you. It'll be better for you.

[02:21:53] Eldar: You know? Mm-hmm. Versus anger. Anytime we have anger, if it can work through it, it'll be better. You know, we all have it, we all have it in different areas, right. Um, yeah. Sometimes it's hard to spot, but it's definitely there. I, I definitely have certain things. I mean, so you guys witnessed some of my anger that I had fucking recently, you know?

[02:22:13] Eldar: Mm-hmm. With everything that was going on. 

[02:22:15] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[02:22:16] Eldar: Yeah. I can justify it as much as you want as to why I had it. Yeah. You know, it's like, yeah, it's justi justifiable and stuff like that, but I know I'm working through it by how having you guys kind of like spearhead the project and stuff. 

[02:22:30] Eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[02:22:30] Eldar: To make sure that I'm not compromised, you know?

[02:22:33] Eldar: Yeah. 

[02:22:35] Harris: What is this? The deck thing? Yeah, the deck, the neighbor thing. Yeah. It fucked me up, you know, it fucked me up. Yeah. You guys are helping him. I'm just saying. I 

[02:22:43] Eldar: saw the injustice and I I, and I wanted to take it deep, you know? Yo, you guys 

[02:22:47] Harris: were 

[02:22:48] Eldar: helping him. I was just jumping on like, yeah, I'll do it with you.

[02:22:50] Eldar: You know, 

[02:22:50] Eldar: you wanted to take a shit on the porch. I take a shit on 

[02:22:53] Harris: the porch. Let's do the fucking, yeah. You see, 

[02:22:55] Eldar: see, that's the thing. Like, that's why you always, that's why you always went to war and you died first. I was just jumping on the war with you, bro. I was going down with you. No, no. I was still thinking about what I'm gonna do.

[02:23:04] Eldar: I'm still plotting and you, I'm like, I was telling you what to do. I said, you know what? In my mind, right? And then you got killed in 

[02:23:11] Harris: my mind. Right. I was like, you know what, 

[02:23:13] Harris: he's gonna war. I'm gonna go go to war weather. 

[02:23:14] Harris: I'll go down with him. 

[02:23:16] Eldar: Listen, listen. It's nice to know that you're riding with the cause.

[02:23:19] Eldar: It's nice, but it's the wrong deal. I think we have a bigger fish to fry. 

[02:23:24] Harris: Yeah. 

[02:23:26] Eldar: It's not the deck. What is wrong with you, bro? What? No, it's not the deck. The deck is a small fucking fish. We have a bigger fish to fry hers. Hmm. You know what I mean? And I think that the faster you clear yourself of all the.

[02:23:42] Eldar: Wrong perceptions that you do have, the faster you'll see how big our, how big our worldview is and what the actual fish is. I believe in it. I think the guys understand what I'm saying. Maybe one day you will too. With that being said, 

[02:24:00] Eldar: oh wow, we live. 

[02:24:02] Eldar: Thank you guys. One

[02:24:12] Eldar: guys.