192. Retard

Why did you cage your inner child?

In this episode of Dennis Rox, hosts Eldar, Mike, Katherine, and Toliy dive deep into the battle between our serious, suppressed selves and the wild, fun-loving "inner weirdo" (or inner child, as Katherine prefers). They explore how societal pressures, unexamined habits, and internal conflicts cage our true selves, preventing us from experiencing genuine freedom and joy. Through hilarious anecdotes—like Mike's custom sandwich dilemmas and Toliy's butt-wiping epiphany—the group unpacks why we often prioritize seriousness over playfulness, and how sharing vulnerabilities can lead to breakthroughs. Special shoutout to listener Joe for chiming in on politically correct language and bidet life!

Key Takeaways:

• Societal norms and unexamined beliefs create "prisons" that suppress our inner child, leading to unnecessary stress and a lack of fun—challenge them by sharing openly to gain external perspectives.
• True happiness comes from embracing your authentic self without fear of judgment; suppressing quirks for the sake of fitting in robs you of freedom and self-engagement.
• Habits like rumination or anxiety (e.g., double-checking locks or heaters) are signs of deeper attachments—act on them ridiculously to expose their absurdity and break the cycle.
• Progress feels like regression at times because uncovering one "prison" reveals more, but consistent study, action, and support turn discomfort into lasting liberation.

The most insightful moment comes from Mike at [00:07:23]: "I think it's very important because I don't think it only just lives in that moment when you're having fun. But the way you present yourself to the world—when you don't behave as who you truly are, you can't live a happy life. You're presenting a fake image."

If you're tired of taking life too seriously and ready to unleash your inner weirdo for more joy and authenticity, this episode is your wake-up call. Hit play now!

Subscribe to Dennis Rox on Buzzsprout, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify for weekly doses of raw, unfiltered discussions on personal growth and living freely. Rate and review to help us reach more seekers—your feedback fuels the fun! Share this episode with a friend who's too serious, and join the conversation on X @DennisRoxPod

Feel stuck and can't actualize? We'd love to hear your story - we can even dissect it on our next episode. Submit your story using this form - https://forms.gle/joegCWQ7mHt7eN3K9

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction: Taking Ourselves Seriously
• 2:14 Embracing the Inner Child and Having Fun
• 11:43 Overcoming Self-Imposed Limitations
• 19:08 Practical Advice for Embracing Authenticity
• 32:39 The Illusion of Importance
• 41:14 The Power of Consistent Self-Study
• 1:01:40 Taking Action Against Irrational Fears
• 1:13:13 Sharing Problems and Seeking Help
• 1:19:59 Final Thoughts and Reflections

Transcript

[00:00:00] eldar: On this week's episode, we take ourselves very seriously. Mm-hmm. You know, and we suppress that inner side of us. The inner child, inner weird person. Yeah. Yep. To the point where you can never have fun. 

[00:00:13] Mike: You wanna be funny, you wanna be silly, but then you come across extra serious. Mm-hmm. There's an internal, like imbalance.

[00:00:18] You're fighting between being the actor versus being your true self. Mm-hmm. And I think a lot of people fight 

[00:00:23] Toliy: that once you actually win, like those battles, you, you could definitely have like this overall a lot more, uh, freedom, freedom, fun, and like, that's it. There's way more self like enc engagement than like actual, like people being caged.

[00:00:44] eldar: All right guys. Welcome to you another episode, weekly episode of Philosophy Tennis Rocks. 

[00:00:53] Mike: It's a formal introduction today. Yeah. 

[00:00:55] eldar: Uh, maybe not. Um, today's topic is. Our own, dear friend. The inner retard, as you put it. Can we use a 

[00:01:06] Katherine: different word? 

[00:01:07] eldar: Oh, here we go. Ca ka our what's the PC Police? Yes. He's like, yo.

[00:01:11] Yeah. 

[00:01:12] Mike: The people out there. No, we 

[00:01:14] Katherine: have a, a rich language. Let's, let's find another one. 

[00:01:16] Mike: Donald Trump said that word is allowed now it's back here. No. Oh, we're 

[00:01:19] Katherine: not. You know, it might be 

[00:01:20] Mike: fake news, not 

[00:01:21] Katherine: affiliating with him. Like your inner weirdo or your inner, I don't know. Fine, 

[00:01:25] eldar: fine. Um, I think that you actually, um, without you just jumping into conclusions, um, with the way you're judging, the way I'm using the word, but actually I was gonna remove the stigma from the word today completely by using that word.

[00:01:38] Katherine: Alright. 

[00:01:39] eldar: Your piece. But you know, if you don't want to, obviously we can continue to. You know, have the word retard as a very bad word, that it can be used out there or whatever. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Um, or at least if you've been listening to the podcast, um, shout out to one of our biggest listeners.

[00:01:54] We always give him a shout out to Joe. Uh, I'm sure that, you know, he, I, I'm, he likes the word retard, by the way. And he knows, he knows deep inside. I mean, not deep inside, but very, uh, it's pretty obvious for him. I think that. The way that the word retard was gonna be used here was not gonna be with any malice No.

[00:02:12] Towards anyone. 

[00:02:13] Joe: Of course not. 

[00:02:14] eldar: Um, more than anything, the reason why we're saying we're talking about this inner weirdo is because Mike brought up the example that a lot of times may be me the way I act or whatever. It's like I have this inner child or inner inner weirdo. 

[00:02:28] Katherine: Yeah. I guess inner child is No.

[00:02:29] One of our listeners actually just chimed 

[00:02:31] Mike: in and said, it's officially now politically correct. Oh, well, thank you so much. 

[00:02:34] Katherine: All right. 

[00:02:34] Mike: Yeah. Okay. You're uh, off the hook. Off the hook. Yeah. 

[00:02:38] eldar: Yeah. Well, I mean, again, with the times right. Before retard was fine, uh, what else was midget was fine. Yeah. What was other shit?

[00:02:45] My nigga was fine. Yeah. You know what I mean? All these things used to be fine, right? Yeah. And now we have all these things like, yo, the N word is crazy. This word is crazy. Mm-hmm. Like this shit, this shit offend this amount of people. This shit offend like, what the fuck is going on here? Yeah. You know what I mean?

[00:03:00] You know why this is happening. This is aside from the topic. Mm-hmm. It's because people, uh, don't have the ability to proper use words in the first place. They don't know how to properly define them or understand them, what they actually mean. And this is why this whole confusion and this whole thing comes about.

[00:03:14] Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Alright. So whatever, despite that, uh, let's talk about our inner child or our, a weirdo that a lot of times is closely tied to having fun. 

[00:03:26] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:03:26] eldar: Right? Because the way you highlighted it at least and said, Hey, when you bring that out, you kind of embrace the fact that you may be weird or funny, quirky mm-hmm.

[00:03:34] And all this other stuff and you don't care. Right. And obviously I know those moments because I really don't care. Mm-hmm. Uh, in that moment, the most important thing, uh, the value there is, uh, to have fun unconditionally. Mm-hmm. Without any kind of strings attached. Yeah. I care And what people think, um, and presenting that thing is, is like, it's okay to be weird, you know?

[00:03:55] Yeah. So, um, so the question around the whole thing is how do you tap into that more than. More than not, you know, a lot of times we take ourselves very seriously. 

[00:04:06] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:04:06] eldar: You know, and we suppress that inner side of us, the inner child, inner weird, weird person. Yeah. You know? Yep. To the point where you can never have fun.

[00:04:19] Well, you 

[00:04:19] Mike: putting like, uh, the way I thought about is you putting on like an act for the other people and mm-hmm. You're presenting a fake self. But it's like, I think the problem that that exists there is that you, you're not consciously doing it. Mm-hmm. You're doing it like to fit in or to not to not to be judged 

[00:04:41] Katherine: or to hide.

[00:04:41] To blend in. To hide. Yeah. 

[00:04:42] Mike: But. The problem is that takes away so much from you. 

[00:04:46] eldar: Yeah. Well, a lot of times when we, especially when we're socializing and we're out there in the workplace, out there in social settings and stuff like that, we have to put on an image, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, when we are out there and in society, Kat's always like, you know, toning me down and kind of like, Hey, like, don't say this or don't do that.

[00:05:02] Like, you know, she's cringing when I say the, the R word or the N word, like Yeah. You know? Yeah. Or like, there's no malice behind the things that I'm doing. There's no real, like, I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm not trying to do any of that, you know, just trying to have fun and enjoy myself. Mm-hmm. And I think that those people who have the ability to see it for what it is, like maybe when you observe it, you see that it's genuine fun, it's not mm-hmm.

[00:05:22] It's, there's nothing behind that. 

[00:05:23] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:05:24] eldar: Um, just to be able to self-express in such a way where it's the closest to. What you feel, what you like and what you wanna do versus not. Mm-hmm. Because I think that it is sort of like a creative expression, almost like a, it's like, it's like a childlike wonder almost.

[00:05:39] Mm-hmm. Play, you know, where you can not take the world around you seriously, because the world's so serious. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Uh, but just to fuck around, you know, however, there are caveats here, right. Um, where some people might be able to, uh, bring that stuff out, but it's maybe it's not polished enough where it can be a little bit offensive to others.

[00:06:00] Right. Um, you could take it overboard. Mm-hmm. Sometimes. Yeah. Um, certain, certain things, um, might be hindered like respect, you know, and other things that might like come out from it where people might not, um, kinda understand your message or where you're coming from. So you might be sending wrong signals or whatever, you know.

[00:06:24] Um, but again, I think that, uh, also, uh. Yet again, uh, tells us that we should push towards bridging the gap between being serious and being, and being our quirky selves and stuff like that. Yeah. Because, you know, someone outside of this circle right here, uh, zooms in on that thing that I do or whatever, you know, and they'll be like, yo, what the fuck?

[00:06:45] Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And that's what I'm talking about, where it's like, I could be, it could be completely misunderstood. Yeah. Right. And then there could be a, a situation, you know? So, yeah. So I, but I think it is a very important topic because I think that a lot of our happiness probably is derived from that inner child Yeah.

[00:07:03] Where we can just, you know, have fun, you know, and, and be our true selves mm-hmm. Without needing to be behind closed doors and dance naked when nobody's looking. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. This is like dancing naked when everybody's looking. Yeah. You know? So what do you guys think? How important is this?

[00:07:23] Mike: Well, I, I mean, I think it's very important because I don't think it only just lives in that moment when you're having fun. Mm-hmm. But I be, but I think the way you present yourself to the world mm-hmm. When you, like, don't behave who you truly are, uh, behave as who you truly are. 

[00:07:39] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:07:40] Mike: You or you, I don't like, you can't, you can't live a happy life.

[00:07:44] You can't live because you're not really yourself. You're like presenting a fake image. Mm-hmm. So like, in a way that like, when you have fun, you're being weird, you're being quirky. Yeah. But also when, uh, I gave the example of the sandwich example, like I was being, I wasn't comfortable with being the custom sandwich guy.

[00:08:01] Yeah. And that's my weird, it's not funny to me or Yeah. Like, uh, quirky anything to you. It was bad because you were to, it was bad. A difficult customer who's 

[00:08:09] eldar: asking for a custom sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. Always re you know, doing iterations. Yeah. On what you want. I actually 

[00:08:14] Katherine: didn't find it to, to be. Oh, oh. Uh, like a bad thing.

[00:08:19] Yeah. But I think you associated it with, but I associated with a bad thing. Correct. Yeah. 

[00:08:23] Mike: So, but like, 

[00:08:23] Katherine: I, I didn't find anything. But it's 

[00:08:25] Mike: again, like being fearful of presenting who you are to the world because they're gonna judge you 'cause they're gonna think about you. And it's also, it could be in serious like circumstances and situations, maybe like for me with maybe meeting girls, that's the thing where maybe I need to bridge that gap to be okay with presenting my true self and not being scared, not being like quiet.

[00:08:45] Right? Yeah. So that's a more serious thing. 

[00:08:47] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:08:48] Mike: Um, versus just like we're hanging out, we're like run, like, you know, being silly in the office. 

[00:08:52] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:08:53] Mike: But it's the fear of presenting your true self. Okay. 

[00:08:56] eldar: What if I played the devil's advocate and said that, uh, sometimes people will say, oh, there's a place and time for this kind of shit.

[00:09:02] You know what I mean? Like, like, why are you acting a fool? Or like, why are you not taking this seriously? You know what I mean? Well, I think, 

[00:09:11] Mike: uh, 

[00:09:11] eldar: well, I think Does it 

[00:09:13] Katherine: depend? 

[00:09:14] eldar: Well, no, because. The reason why I'm asking this is that, because like I know that, uh, the way I use this thing sometimes is, is to be able to lighten the situation mm-hmm.

[00:09:23] From it being too serious. Like, if I see that somebody's having too serious of a conversation or being too serious about something where they're like, they're suffering from it, or I can bring out the weird, I can bring out a joke, I can do something. Yeah. In such a way where it's like 

[00:09:36] Katherine: you wanna 

[00:09:38] eldar: lighten the mood, lighten the mood.

[00:09:38] Mm-hmm. Or mute that which, which they're suffering from. You know? But plenty of times of, of witnessed I felt, and people told me like, yo, like this is not the time. You know what I mean? It's like right now it's time to be serious. Mm-hmm. The fuck you mucking around for, you know what I mean? Without really understanding that, I mean, I'm actually going for the greater good.

[00:09:57] Mike: Well, I think what you're just describing is, is, um. When I think when those, when when people have the wrong reaction to it. Mm-hmm. Like if you are, if you're coming across from a genuine place and you mean well mm-hmm. For them to have opposite response means that they're not in tune with like, what's going on and not in tune with themselves.

[00:10:17] Correct. They're under, there's some kind of like, uh, separate page discrepancy. Individual discrepancy. Yeah. Which is the, exactly the expression of, Hey, you want to be funny, you wanna be silly, but then you come across extra serious. Mm-hmm. There's an internal like imbalance or battle between you fighting between being the actor versus being your true self.

[00:10:34] Mm-hmm. And I think a lot of people fight that. Hmm. That battle, you know? Okay. So, but if they were actually, yeah. I don't know why they can't tune into that in those moments when they're saying like, Hey, this is not the right time. 

[00:10:51] eldar: Yeah. I think that, uh, probably we talk about this all the time. It's probably the attachments that they have in order to drill their point.

[00:10:57] In order to drill their mm-hmm. Uh, whatever it is that they're going after. 

[00:11:01] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:11:01] eldar: Whatever the outcome they're looking to get out of being serious, being angry or whatever, that they want a very specific reaction. So there's no room for any lightheartedness. Mm. Any play or any of that stuff. You almost get them to be irritated, you know what I mean?

[00:11:16] And like you irritate them. 

[00:11:18] Mike: Yeah. Well, because I guess whatever the subject is, they feel like they have to play the serious person role in it. Mm-hmm. And that's the only way it has to be. 

[00:11:28] Katherine: They probably don't know how to not be. 

[00:11:30] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:11:31] eldar: Yeah. And that's a very interesting point too, that like, uh, to me, I'm almost can do it on demand.

[00:11:36] I can switch it on and switch it off, switch it on, and switch it on based on the situation. Uh, situational awareness. Um, I think that for people who are not tuned in into that thing or don't have that ability, they have, uh, so many different stars need to align in their lives in order for 'em to come out and, and, and have fun.

[00:11:54] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:11:55] eldar: Right. Where it's like, this is like, we are at work. You know what I mean? Like, first we have to be out of work. Mm-hmm. Like at home, oh no, I gotta get chores done, I gotta get shit done. Yeah. Maybe only on vacation, you know, you might see a playful side come out of the, out of them or whatever. Yeah.

[00:12:09] Like, it has to be a perfect setting, perfect people, perfect scenario, perfect everything in order for them to finally loosen up and like, not take life seriously. 

[00:12:16] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:12:17] eldar: You know what I mean? Where I, as you know, guys know a lot of the times troll the most serious situations because it's really not that serious.

[00:12:25] Mike: Right? Yeah. A hundred percent. Like what's 

[00:12:27] eldar: actually serious, you know, 

[00:12:30] Mike: nothing, nothing is actually that serious. Hmm. 

[00:12:34] eldar: What's actually 

[00:12:35] Mike: serious 

[00:12:38] eldar: that we have to, uh, hold, hold our in a retard prisoner. 

[00:12:45] Mike: Well, I think when you are living like a, when you're living out cognitive dissonance, I guess, when you actually like 

[00:12:56] eldar: mm-hmm.

[00:12:56] Mike: Not just this philosophical, a theoretical sense of it. 

[00:12:59] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:12:59] Mike: When your life is cognitive dissonance. 

[00:13:01] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:13:01] Mike: Everything is gonna always be like, like that where it's like the fun stuff is you can't be serious. I mean, you can't be fun. You can't have fun because everything's too serious. Yeah. You got it all upside down backwards.

[00:13:14] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:13:15] Mike: So I think it would be unnatural for, for the, uh, people who are in that situation mm-hmm. To be able to tap into what, what you're talking about. Yeah. Um, because, so it's almost like it's almost 

[00:13:28] eldar: already, it's too late for those people. It's almost too late because the attachments that they carry or whatever it is, the situational awareness is non-existent.

[00:13:36] So they can't loosen up in that moment. They have to act out, uh, the predetermined beliefs and values that they do have mm-hmm. In accordance to whatever it is that they're scanning. Right? Mm-hmm. They're looking around, they are scanning for like, how am I supposed to be Right now? Their 

[00:13:50] Katherine: perception is totally different from yours.

[00:13:52] They're not sure who're supposed 

[00:13:52] Mike: to be at like, correct. Who's showing up to the play? Is it like the serious guy or the fun guy? Yeah. Well, no, they're sure. They're sure. Well, they actually Sure that they were, 

[00:14:00] eldar: they're more serious. Sure. That serious guy. I'm the one who's not sure. Yeah. I'm the one who's challenging the status quo and like, okay, cool.

[00:14:06] Like, let's see if I can present this idiot right here and see how this situation turns around. You know, I run these experiments by introducing these things. Mm-hmm. You know? Yes. Lighthearted, hopefully. 

[00:14:16] Mike: Yeah. You know? Yeah. 

[00:14:19] eldar: I mean. Not to say that, obviously, when a serious situation calls itself and things need to be taken seriously, I think you should definitely take it seriously.

[00:14:27] Yeah. You know what I mean? And I think the individual who actually knows the difference between one and the other actually wins most of the time when it comes to moment to moment analysis, analyzing each moment by moment and knowing exactly what to present and when. 

[00:14:44] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:14:44] eldar: You 

[00:14:45] know? 

[00:14:47] Mike: Yeah. And I think this, this thing is, it is gonna come from like being undecided who you are and who you wanna be.

[00:14:55] That's why even maybe like the serious person, they can't switch over because, but do 

[00:15:00] eldar: you think that they sit there and kind of say like, oh, I'm, I'm not decisive of who I want to be. No. But I do. Do you think they have those kinds thought patterns? I think 

[00:15:07] Mike: decision was made a long time ago. Now they're acting it out.

[00:15:09] Correct. Correct. I agree with this. Yeah. They, they decided a long time ago that they're gonna be like this based 

[00:15:14] eldar: on their values, based on what they decided the perspective about the world is. Yeah. Are they now living this out? They're living it out. Yeah. Yeah. And they have no choice in the matter? Not anymore.

[00:15:23] No. Until they come across people who are actually challenging them in that moment. 

[00:15:27] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:15:28] eldar: Mm-hmm. Right. Just like I challenged Catherine, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And fallen in love where I said, Hey, like, you know, it seems like you got a lot of walls here. What's going on here? You know? 

[00:15:36] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:15:37] eldar: And I challenged her to say, you know what?

[00:15:38] Like, so let's break these things, you know? Mm-hmm. I think you got it all wrong. 

[00:15:43] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:15:44] eldar: Until this day we're still arguing about that phenomenon. You know? I mean, even earlier she said, oh, I'm worried about what you gonna have for lunch tomorrow. I'm like, worried. Worried about what? What wasn't? I 

[00:15:53] Katherine: was just trying to plan out the meal.

[00:15:55] eldar: No, you are worried. 

[00:15:56] Katherine: I was asking because 

[00:15:58] eldar: you used the word mm-hmm. Incorrectly, let's just say, yeah. It tells me everything where you're at. The improper use of words. Did 

[00:16:04] Katherine: I actually use the word worry though? I mean, totally was right there. Totally, totally can 

[00:16:08] eldar: attest to it. I can run the cameras back too.

[00:16:10] Okay. Yeah. 

[00:16:12] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:16:13] eldar: I don't remember using it. And, and I think that, uh, when we speak mm-hmm. It's an accurate representation of how we feel. 

[00:16:18] Mike: Of course. 

[00:16:20] eldar: There's no, like, usually we use exact same words to describe what we're feeling. Mm-hmm. And however, every time we get caught on the feeling side of like, oh, trying to point it out.

[00:16:29] Like, look, you worried, you, you know what you're trying to do. You're trying to backtrack that word and say, nah, no, this is not what I actually meant, but this is exactly what you meant. This is be, this is why you expressed yourself the way you did. You know? So not being situationally aware, not knowing how to carry yourself.

[00:16:46] Right. Not knowing how to properly assess the situation. You fall victim to what? Seriousness? Mm-hmm. Every single time she wants to get some stuff done. I want to go, you know, do my errands, go to the gym, all this other stuff, but I'm worried for this. What? 

[00:17:08] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:17:10] eldar: I would never promote the worrying part versus the part to, to go have fun, go do actually that you something that you actually want to do.

[00:17:19] Mm-hmm. Something that doesn't make you worry. Something that you are, have a natural inkling towards want to do that you wanna do for that moment. Anything else is just like noise or hindrance to blocking that inner retard. 

[00:17:35] Mike: Yeah. But the thing is like, um, it's like be getting buried on the pile of dirty clothes.

[00:17:42] Joe: Why? Why'd you make that? Uh, have you ever been buried by He's been buried? No. But that's what it sounds like in the person's head. Yeah. It feels like 

[00:17:51] Mike: every time those moments happen. Yeah. It just, their shit is all buried because of the decisions. The millions of thousands, maybe uhhuh decisions that were made a long time ago.

[00:18:00] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:18:00] Mike: That were unexamined. 

[00:18:01] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:18:02] Mike: And when somebody like comes across and they check you or you have to face a situation, there's maybe short, short like hint of unpleasantness. Mm-hmm. Because somehow some maybe your soul knows that like, hey, this is not like this. Nobody wants to be like, mm-hmm. Be this way.

[00:18:18] Ultimately, I think we have enough sensors within ourselves to know like, Hey, this is actually good for me. This is not, but it's very, very quiet, like trying to hear it from a million miles away, you know? 

[00:18:29] eldar: Mm-hmm. 

[00:18:30] Mike: But there is a little alarm going off like, oh, for a split second to go. 

[00:18:34] eldar: But the ego is like, nah, nah, nah.

[00:18:36] The pride ego is like, no. 

[00:18:38] Mike: Everything 

[00:18:38] eldar: is there telling me no, I know better. 

[00:18:39] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:18:40] eldar: My arrogance comes out. Yeah, I know better than this person. What are you talking about? You know? Yeah. This is more important. Yes. The attachment has a face 

[00:18:48] Mike: of course, but it's still like, um. Still the pain and like that turmoil of,

[00:18:59] of that situation, it still exists and it still plays an effect on, on the people. 

[00:19:04] eldar: Yeah. Yeah. So what do you advise, Mike? How do you bring out the inner retard? How do you free 'em? 

[00:19:13] Mike: That's the question. Well, the thing which you just like, I, I, I think what you just said like about Kat, that specific example, just because it was just recent, is you, Kat should ask yourself, why did I use those choice of words, you know?

[00:19:28] Mm-hmm. To find out, because like whatever happened is a hundred percent the truth. Mm-hmm. Not that you said the story is right or wrong. 

[00:19:35] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:19:35] Mike: The truth is if you said what you said 

[00:19:38] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:19:38] Mike: Like the right thought, right speech, right. Actions. That's right. There's a sequence. Correct. She didn't just say worry.

[00:19:43] It is a random word. Yeah. It was intentional. It was like Yeah. Automatic. Yeah. Right. It's like you cannot go any other way. This is already a subconscious speaking that's been automated. Yes. It's an automated process. Correct. Correct. It's speaking from the truest, like form, form of who you are. That's right.

[00:19:59] And what you believe in. 

[00:20:00] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:20:01] Mike: So those kind of things should make you, or should, uh, hopefully you should want to figure out. Okay. Then why am I saying this? Like, I'm really worried about this is nonsense. 

[00:20:12] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:20:13] Mike: Like why is this even 

[00:20:14] eldar: bringing me any type of pain? Yes. Any type of, any, any kind of friction.

[00:20:17] Yeah. Like I said, any type of friction to Yeah. Me doing exactly what I want to do. 

[00:20:22] Mike: Mm-hmm. 

[00:20:22] eldar: Yeah. Yeah. What, what is it? It's, it's all those, like, uh, and we, we've unpacked this for her at least, right? Mm-hmm. She's like, oh, I don't want to be a bad wife. Yeah. You know what I mean? Uh, wi good wives a apparently cook for their husbands mm-hmm.

[00:20:36] And they don't go hungry or whatever, you know, and all this other stuff. You know, we talked, we talked about this before. Yeah. Right. And if I don't do this, maybe then this how will happen, you know? Mm-hmm. Therefore, I must do this. You know, obviously different people have different reasons for all these little things that they do and automate for themselves, but actually because they're not examined, like you said, they provide friction, constant friction.

[00:20:59] But it's also, 

[00:21:01] Mike: and I can't even free her. I already told her this is a non-issue. Well, yeah. Because you are not the one who like, let just say quote put, put her in jail. 

[00:21:08] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:21:08] Mike: I didn't, what's happening is she's living out the acting that she signed up for Yes. 30 years ago. Correct. Before she even knew what the hell she's signing up for.

[00:21:16] That's right. And she's still continuing to live it out, just like. Everybody else lives out More perception systems, their perceptions Yeah. Of things. Yeah. I told her before, 

[00:21:27] eldar: don't ever cook if you don't want to. Yeah. If you actually want to, like it's an in you like, wow, I would like to make a meal. Like I would like to create something.

[00:21:34] Mm-hmm. More so like totally cooks, for example. Right. Totally. Actually has passion towards it and he wants to do it. It's not like a chore. Yeah. It's not like, oh, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. If it's ever that, I don't want to eat that. 

[00:21:46] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:21:46] eldar: I don't want you to go through that. Yeah. Let's just buy something.

[00:21:49] Let's just order something. Yeah. Of course. You know what I mean? It's fine. Mm-hmm. You know, but those words might, things is actually, is not believable. Mm-hmm. For her, she can't just adopt it like, oh, you know? Mm-hmm. Without proper examination. Examination reexamination, challenging, and then testing the theory, trying it out, you know?

[00:22:07] Mm-hmm. Yeah. My argument is what, don't waste your time on things that you don't want to do. If they're not mandatory. I didn't mandate her to fucking cook for me. 

[00:22:15] Mike: Mm-hmm. 

[00:22:15] eldar: That's not like, it's nice if she does great. If we're gonna be okay if she doesn't. 

[00:22:21] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:22:21] eldar: You know, and imagine how many different things that people do.

[00:22:26] And we do that, we succumb to this oppression of our inner retard. 

[00:22:32] Mike: Yeah, yeah. 

[00:22:37] Yeah. And I think that's actually the real negative connotation of that word. When you behave that way, when you do things like, I don't wanna do this. Correct. That's the actual retard. That is the actual retard. Mm-hmm. In the bad sense.

[00:22:49] 100%. Yeah, a hundred percent. 'cause you're going against yourself. Yes. To please somebody who, that's right. Who, but the person doesn't need that. For them to be, don't have this attachment. I don't have this attachment, I have this attachment. I don't have this attachment at all. Yeah. You plea, you pleasing the person.

[00:23:04] You basically like again, you acting against your own belief systems. Yeah. If you get to it. Yeah. You know, because. Your own inner actual, like the good one. Yeah. Good use of that word is. Yeah. That you don't want to cook and you should embrace that. Correct. And that's your like your own thing. Like, Hey, I don't cook.

[00:23:20] Yeah. But when you do 

[00:23:21] eldar: custom sandwiches, when you request custom sandwiches, do they come to you at a like, ill will or like It's hard. No. You just organically create a fucking sandwich. Yeah. That you like. 

[00:23:30] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:23:31] eldar: Then you do it, you do more of it. Mm-hmm. And you embrace that. Yeah. You know, I like things particular way.

[00:23:36] That's it. 

[00:23:37] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:23:38] eldar: Fuck off. Yeah. What's the problem? 

[00:23:40] Mike: And that's, I'm like, now I'm, I don't take it like I used to take it. Yeah. But before I was like, oh, look at me. Like mm-hmm. Am I weird to pushy? Am I being annoying? Yeah. But if I am, then that's their problem. And we don't have to like do business anymore.

[00:23:54] Sure. And if I feel like you can't, 

[00:23:55] Katherine: you're also like paying for a service, right? Technically, yeah. You could justify in so many different ways, 

[00:23:59] eldar: but again, you can't even tell him these things. All the logical things that you can bring to the table. The fact that you paying for the service, so you should be able to.

[00:24:08] Katherine: The 

[00:24:08] eldar: other person can also say, no. No. And like, what's 

[00:24:10] Katherine: the worst that could happen? They'll say no. Yeah, yeah. You know, 

[00:24:12] eldar: third, uh, I mean, people serve your fucking sandwiches and apparently other people like you too. Yeah. Captain. I, I'll have it any day. Yeah. She's like, oh, I want the mic special. You know what I mean?

[00:24:21] Like Yeah. I, 

[00:24:21] Katherine: without even Mike being there, like I ordered Mike. Yeah. So like, 

[00:24:24] eldar: you know, there's so many different reasons. However, because Mike has bought it into something in his head. Mm. There's no reasons that we can bring up to him in order to get rid of that for him. Yeah. There isn't. Yeah. He has to work through these things himself, practice them, try them out, and then be like, you know what?

[00:24:40] Like, what is wrong with me? 

[00:24:41] Mike: Yeah. Well, even like the inner, uh, thing we're just talking about, I was telling Toley about the rock climbing thing, like Yeah. The inner, uh, inner retard is like when I go up on the wall and I feel like, Hey, people are looking at me and then I can't perform. Mm. That is something that I put upon myself that serves me no purpose.

[00:25:00] Yeah. But it rules my life, like in those moments. Yeah. You can prevent me from having fun and doing something I actually love. Yes. To do. Yeah. And I put that on me. Yeah. Nobody else is looking. No. You know, the truth is, and if they are, yeah. I also know their intentions because I know how I feel when I see somebody struggling.

[00:25:15] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:25:16] Mike: I would like to help them if they're willing to hear it. Yes. And everybody's always helpful if you ask. They always show help and they show nobody's 

[00:25:21] eldar: there. Like, oh, you suck, you suck. No, no. This is like the rock climate community is actually very fucking supportive. Yeah. Like kind of gayish supportive, you know what I'm saying?

[00:25:29] Yeah. Another word right there. Some of them 

[00:25:31] Mike: definitely, 

[00:25:31] eldar: uh, supportive. Like that. What was 

[00:25:33] Katherine: the need for that though? 

[00:25:34] eldar: Just gonna go all out today. Yeah. We're just gonna get banned and we're not even drinking. That's true. So imagine that. I remember back in the day that it's like, yo, stop drinking, bro. You say too much crazy shit.

[00:25:44] Saying too 

[00:25:44] Mike: much. Yes, I remember that. Yeah. So those are again examples of where mm-hmm. We like violating ourselves. Yeah. For no apparent reason. 

[00:25:54] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:25:54] Mike: Why? Why do I care what people think about me? I mean, I know why. Yeah. But does it really matter? Yeah. Should I, why should I let this continue to ruin me?

[00:26:03] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:26:03] Mike: What is it stopping me from actually doing it? Enjoying Correct. Like cat's thing. Yeah. That could ruin half a day over stressing out about like, Hey, did I cook for my husband for sure. Or should I not? I don't want to. Yeah. But it's wrong. But he might, you know what I do on 

[00:26:15] eldar: purpose? You know what I do on purpose?

[00:26:17] Yeah. When she goes, babe, I'll have lunch for you at this time. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, okay, cool. I'll sign up for that. And then I know that she's not gonna get to it. I make her feel guilty. Oh yeah. I said, babe, you said you're gonna have lunch for me at two o'clock. Yeah. I doubled down on it. Yeah. Oh yeah.

[00:26:31] I'll do this on purpose now I have to. Yeah, I have to. You said it, you promised? Yeah. Where is it? Go run around. Go. Go be like a chicken with no head now. Mm-hmm. You know, oversalt a meal or something like that. Yeah. Throw everything out. 

[00:26:45] Katherine: Damn you wife. Your wife sucks. 

[00:26:48] eldar: No, my wife doesn't suck. She might not be a little, not, not, might be too bright, but she doesn't suck.

[00:26:53] She's a very good, love loving, loving wife who's trying very hard. 

[00:26:56] Mike: Mm. Yeah. 

[00:26:57] eldar: You know, so, 

[00:27:01] Mike: but yeah. And those things ultimately, yeah. They, they take away from our happiness, our fun. Yeah. And they give us so much stress. Yeah. Anxiety, like, yeah. 

[00:27:13] Yeah. 

[00:27:14] Unnecessary, unnecessary, 

[00:27:16] eldar: unnecessary. And every time when we fall down or when we hurt ourselves, right.

[00:27:22] All our friends always try to remind us all. Times when we used to have fun or used to do things, take things lightly and not be as serious. Like Joe Right. Used to start taking life very seriously about politics and all this other shit. Mm-hmm. I'm like, but man, the fuck's wrong with you. Yeah. Joe was a 

[00:27:37] Mike: clown.

[00:27:38] eldar: Yeah. Been a clown. You know, he was the biggest pranks. He was like, prank, prank. You know, like with me, we did a lot of crazy funny shit together, you know? Mm-hmm. And now he is like into this like, oh shit, you know, was becoming conspiracy theorist, you know? Yeah. Almost had to pack his bags, you know? But then I, I had to remind him like, Hey, like, this is not you.

[00:27:54] Enjoy yourself. Fuck, fuck, fuck the world, and fuck what they fucking have to say. Let's enjoy ourselves. Yeah. You know, he heard it, you know, he's back. We even had a whole episode, Joe come home, you know, and he said, yeah, elder, I heard you. Yeah. And same thing, he'll do the same thing for me. Of course. You know, when I take something very seriously and then he, he'll remind me on how to find my way back home.

[00:28:16] Katherine: Mm-hmm. You 

[00:28:17] eldar: know, like, we do this for everyone. Yeah. We can't, we, we know that that inner retard is the finest place, is a good place. And then when we're off of it, we feel it. We know 

[00:28:28] it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. 

[00:28:33] Katherine: So for a person that has been uptight their whole life, where like, where's the playbook? Like how do you, how do you learn how to, how?

[00:28:43] eldar: Well, that's why I think fun. The playbook. Playbook totally gave you many, many times during these episodes. He always says, you have to speak, you have to share. You know why? Because despite the fact, maybe I won't hear it, maybe Mike won't hear it, but somebody will hear it. Your re your retardation and they're gonna check you, they're gonna challenge you.

[00:29:03] You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And if, if I heard it, for example, like today, you said worry, right? And I know exactly what I'm challenging you for and you wanna fight me. I have a cosigner told, was sitting right there. He knows exactly what, what the ploy is, what the play is here. He'll, he'll also remind you, Hey, look, he's not take not doing it personally.

[00:29:21] He's actually trying to help you make sense of it. Mm-hmm. But you have to be able to share these things, these moments, right. Where you are uptight, you know? And those people around you who are supportive in your safe space, quote unquote, another fucking word, stupid ass word, can help you out. 

[00:29:35] Katherine: So you wanna use the polarizing words, but like you have a problem with safe space.

[00:29:40] If I have 

[00:29:41] eldar: a problem with safe space, with that, that word pisses me off. Now everybody's using the shit, you know, to hide. There's no fucking safe space. Especially around here. Fuck off. You can hide 

[00:29:49] Mike: if you're, if you're bad, you shouldn't be. You are not allowed to hide. Yeah. If you're evil, thank you to yourself.

[00:29:53] Yeah. You're not allowed to. You're not allowed to hide. You need 

[00:29:55] eldar: to be exposed. You need to be exposed. Yes, for sure. That's one way. Why are you laughing? That's one way, obviously, you know, Hey to, 

[00:30:03] Toliy: Hey, 

[00:30:04] how are you? Totally. I have a, I have a nice Italian salami in the car. You bring? No, I was just remembering when Kat said that.

[00:30:12] I don't know if you remember, but I said, God bless America. Uhhuh. 

[00:30:15] eldar: When did you say that? Oh yeah, you did say that, right? As soon as you said it. Yeah, as soon as you said it. Yeah, because I, my comeback was, I forgot what I said to her. Uh, and then you said that after that. I don't remember that. 'cause I guess you understood it and you rolled 

[00:30:27] Toliy: with it.

[00:30:28] Yeah, I just found it funny 'cause it's like, there's definitely a lot of stuff that, I dunno, maybe we individually, um, worry about or think about at times, you know? But I definitely didn't think I would be worried about what you're gonna have for, uh, 

[00:30:40] eldar: lunch tomorrow. Lunch 

[00:30:41] Toliy: tomorrow. 

[00:30:42] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:30:43] Mike: So is the, is the ideas that we, 

[00:30:45] eldar: uh, put in our heads about who we are?

[00:30:47] Yeah. Or what's important to us? Yeah. And I'm gonna tell you right now when we fell in love first. All right? This is also a good example. I carried those. So certain things from my previous relationship that were unhealthy, that were negative. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I have a very specific example, you know, she remembers it.

[00:31:03] Yeah. Which she also helped me with, raise awareness off, uh, as I would leave the house and we would hang out. Right. Um, I would go, no, I don't know. Go grab something at a store or whatever. You know, I would always be like, on edge internally. That's not something that she did to me, or she said something to me that I had to check in where I was.

[00:31:24] Yeah. You know, so anytime Kat would call me or whatever, you know. I would always be like, oh, I'm here. I'm doing this. Like, I'll be right there or whatever. Like, and she's like, Hey, like I, I didn't ask you for any of that, like, you know? Mm-hmm. But because I had a bad relationship before where the person was extremely jealous and controlling.

[00:31:40] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:31:40] eldar: Right. They've conditioned that into my head that like, I'm supposed to like check in or something. Like, because I'm always doing something wrong or something. Yeah. Even though I'm not, 

[00:31:47] Katherine: that became like normal for you. That 

[00:31:49] eldar: normalizing my brain. Yeah. Which is completely wrong. Yeah. You know, a way of being, being always on edge, you know, and obviously in a loving relationship, you're supposed to encourage one another to not be on edge.

[00:32:01] You know? This is why I'm telling her like, yo, like me and Mike can grab something after rock climbing. Like right here. We could pick something up. Like it's not that serious. It's not, and there's plenty of times where she's like, babe, can you just grab lunch? Like, I don't want to, like, I can't make it or whatever.

[00:32:13] Yeah. I'm like, of course. Like it's a non-issue. No, it's never an, it's not an issue. You know, it is not like I'm coming home every day and giving lectures. Like it is important to eat at home and we should have X amount of veggies on our plate and, you know, X amount of rice and all this other, no caring about that.

[00:32:30] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:32:31] eldar: You know, but she might have some certain attachments. 

[00:32:36] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:32:37] eldar: But she's has to work through, you know, 

[00:32:39] Mike: we convince ourselves that what, what, what's important and what's not. 

[00:32:44] Yeah. 

[00:32:44] And we're a lot of times wrong, wrong about those things. What's actually important is not important, but actually is important.

[00:32:50] Is not important. That's right. We always have it. Mm-hmm. That's right. Upside. It's all, it's all reversed. All it's reversed. Yeah. 

[00:32:55] eldar: All reversed. And for what, what do we, like if we actually sat down and, and reflected on a all, like what do we actually are missing out on life for what? You get a pat in the back that you made me launch.

[00:33:08] Ooh. That's not what's gonna make a breakout relationship. Not you making lunch. 

[00:33:13] Mike: Mm-hmm. You know? But the logical person is like, oh no, if you actually cared 

[00:33:19] eldar: of what I thought you'd sit down and say, babe, what do you actually care about? Then I tell her like, I, I actually care for you to come home and say, I had a great day, babe.

[00:33:26] Mm-hmm. Because I did X, Y, and Z and I actually liked myself. Yeah. I trade that for any type of meal or any other kind of chore that she had to do. That's for me. 

[00:33:34] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:33:36] eldar: You know, of course, house cleaning, all, all the crap. You know what I mean? That she's not even good at, we already talked about all this.

[00:33:41] Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? You know, it's just a, it's just a, it's just a distraction, a waste of time. That's imprisonment of the, our inner child. Yes. Our inner retard. 

[00:33:53] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:33:54] eldar: Um, and not to go out there and Rome and enjoy themselves. Yeah, that's true. But ultimately, you know why that is.

[00:34:08] Why, why, why we can't let him out. Why we can't let him out. We can't let out the Tweety bird. Why? Um, 

[00:34:16] Katherine: I like that reference. 

[00:34:17] eldar: We don't deserve it, Mike. Yeah. We don't deserve it and we inside know it. Mm. 'cause we're pieces of shit. Yeah. And that's the honest truth. 

[00:34:24] Katherine: Ouch. True. 

[00:34:28] eldar: And I'm not saying that you're a piece of shit, maybe to the world, you're a piece of shit to yourself.

[00:34:31] Yeah. Number one. Of course, you violate yourself. 

[00:34:35] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:34:36] eldar: You know? And in turn you are gonna violate the world as well. And the people around you. Well, yeah. If you do with the way you carry yourself, yourself, you do it to that sooner or later it's gonna come out into the world. But number one, it starts with yourself.

[00:34:45] Mm-hmm.

[00:34:49] You, we don't know how to be good to ourselves. That's why we can never let that out. 

[00:34:53] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:34:55] eldar: You know what I mean? We're not allowed to. 

[00:34:56] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:34:58] eldar: But there's a sen there's a prison sentence. There's a term for each violation that we've done against ourselves. And therefore you're not gonna just giggle and have fun.

[00:35:09] Be childlike and have wonder or curiosity and stuff like that, and focus and everything else. Mm-hmm. Or good sleep. Yeah. You know? No. Yep. No, you have to ruminate on a lot of things because you've misstep so many times. It's, it's a, it's like, it's a perfect, we talked about it's justice. 

[00:35:26] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:35:27] eldar: You know, a lot of people are like, oh, you know about Diddy thing, you know?

[00:35:30] Mike: Mm-hmm. 

[00:35:31] eldar: Live such a good life. Look what he got away with, you know, and all this other shit, you know? Mm. He didn't give away with anything. Yeah. Not only he has to live out the rest of his life in this type of light mm-hmm. His whole generation of kids, and, and those kids have to live out in that light as well.

[00:35:48] Katherine: Oh, children, 

[00:35:49] eldar: all his children. 

[00:35:50] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:35:50] eldar: All his quote unquote left friends. Yeah. That are left over. This is a, for, this is a forever curse. 

[00:35:56] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:35:58] eldar: You know? 

[00:35:59] You think he had fun. He had no fun. 

[00:36:01] He had no fun. Yeah. I, I 

[00:36:05] Katherine: probably, he's probably really sad inside. He's not a person that knows how to be happy. 

[00:36:10] eldar: I don't think he or actually think he even knows that he's a person 

[00:36:12] Katherine: has, has fun.

[00:36:13] eldar: Mm. Yeah. I think he, like he, he, he lost his mind a long time ago. Yeah. He sold out. Yeah. Or whatever. But yeah. 

[00:36:25] Katherine: Sold his soul to the devil as they say, you know? 

[00:36:28] eldar: Yeah. But we do that all the time. Like with this thing right here, this is what we're talking about. Yeah. We sell ourselves out for what? So kind of an image that is not attainable.

[00:36:39] Mike: Mm-hmm. You 

[00:36:41] eldar: know? 

[00:36:42] Mike: Yeah. Yeah. That's for sure. 

[00:36:46] eldar: So like, it's like what are the strategies? What is the playbook? Catherine's asking. Mm-hmm. I mean, the playbook, you have to realize that like, yeah, you are retard. 

[00:36:54] Katherine: And, and why are we like so afraid to like show that part of ourselves? Like, do we like ourselves so little that we don't wanna show it to the world?

[00:37:06] You know? 

[00:37:07] eldar: Yeah, 

[00:37:08] Mike: yeah. Definitely part of 

[00:37:09] eldar: it. I mean, I obviously know that you have that side of yourself and you, it comes out at home in the privacy. 

[00:37:16] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:37:17] eldar: You know, but a lot of it is overshadowed by, uh, 

[00:37:21] poor sleep. I'm tired. 

[00:37:24] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:37:25] eldar: You know, of course you gotta be tired of having poor sleep. You usually don't do shit for yourself.

[00:37:30] You know? Really, you know, it's always like some kind of weird, weird scenario. 

[00:37:34] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:37:35] eldar: You know? 

[00:37:36] Mike: Yeah. The more like, um, unresolved things you're carrying every day. 

[00:37:40] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:37:41] Mike: Like these kind of things where you not, like not living the way you would like to live, and you're suffering from choices that you made a long time ago.

[00:37:50] The, the more you have those, the longer it carries on, just the worse off it is gonna be for you. Worse sleep, worse health. 

[00:37:56] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:37:56] Mike: Worse everything. Yeah. It's not gonna get better. Yeah. Too much unchecked. Bs. 

[00:38:02] eldar: Yeah. Well, that's why I think that your theory about removing certain things from your plate is actually, uh, a way of liberating that yourself from that.

[00:38:11] Yeah. You know, slowly, 

[00:38:13] Mike: eventually when you have nothing on your plate Yeah. You have to get to the stuff that's underneath the plate, you know? Yeah, yeah. The really, the, the really dirty stuff. The moldy shit. The moldy things. Yeah. Yeah. Once you get to those, then you can really start to liberate yourself.

[00:38:27] Yeah. 

[00:38:28] You know, 

[00:38:29] but those things that we build up, like your day around, like things you gotta do. Yeah. All those things are distractions. Avoidances from getting to those questions and, and exposing yourself, uh, to who you really are, to yourself and to others. Yeah. That's why people buzz all the time. Right.

[00:38:48] There's a reason. The buzzing behavior. I had the buzzing too. Yeah. 

[00:38:52] You know, 

[00:38:53] because the more you buzz, the less you can stop and think of what's actually happening, what's actually there. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And what happens a lot of the 

[00:38:59] eldar: times is that, uh. Conflict will, will have to arise from other individuals.

[00:39:06] They have to check you. They have to make fun of you. They have to point something out. You know, some kind of tension's gonna start building. 

[00:39:11] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:13] eldar: You know, and you don't even know where it's coming from up until you actually sit down, have a crazy blow out a fight, and then you start breathing. You are like, oh, okay, I'm angry.

[00:39:23] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:23] eldar: Why am I angry? Now we're talking about the dirt, the moldy stuff, the anger. 

[00:39:29] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:29] eldar: You know, maybe resentment. All the 

[00:39:33] stuff that's actually really underneath it all, you know? Yeah.

[00:39:42] And that's, that's, that's the gatekeepers of that 

[00:39:44] inner child that can't get out. It doesn't, can't 

[00:39:49] Mike: make logical sense. It doesn't make sense for the inner child to come out. Correct. 

[00:39:54] eldar: Correct. For long periods of time. Yeah, that's for sure. He, he only has like, you know, a couple of minutes to play it. 

[00:40:00] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:40:01] eldar: In the light.

[00:40:01] Yeah. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. He is on lockdown. 23 hours lockdown. 

[00:40:07] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:40:08] eldar: Yeah.

[00:40:12] And obviously look, you know, anybody who's listening here and maybe like type chiming in to find out like, oh shit, this is fucking bad, and gloomy and stuff like that, that's not true. I think we're setting the bar higher and higher every time we have these conversations because we're trying to promote that which we want, what that, which is actually the path to our true selves.

[00:40:31] Mm-hmm. In order to be truly happy. Right. And we talk, we discuss all these different angles that lead to this to be able to be free, to freely express ourselves, to really be what we want to be and enjoy life day to day. 

[00:40:46] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:40:47] eldar: You know? So that's why it sounds like, oh shit, this is so hard. And stuff like that.

[00:40:51] Like what do we do and stuff, but. I mean, we all made pro made progress in this room towards this, you know, slowly chipping away at it with different forms, sharing therapy, yoga, meditation. 

[00:41:04] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:41:04] eldar: You know, whatever it is. You know, different hobbies, trying new things, persevering, challenging. 

[00:41:10] Mike: Mm-hmm. You 

[00:41:10] eldar: know, competing, it could be so many different things.

[00:41:13] Mike: Yeah. 

[00:41:13] eldar: Right. But we raise awareness, I think, enough in order to be able to carry our meditation outside of the meditation itself, but into action, you know, because of these types of conversations. 

[00:41:26] Katherine: Mm-hmm. '

[00:41:27] eldar: cause a lot of times we talk about the fact that like, we can have, this conversation can get very deep, but then as soon as you walk out this door, you are gonna go yell your mom or give somebody a finger and all this other shit.

[00:41:37] Mm-hmm. It doesn't translate into real life. It's hard for sure. But the more we have these discussions, the more we are able to carry some of it. And next time something happens, we don't just switch off. We remember. So we act in accordance to the truth that we've discovered here. You know,

[00:41:58] and we have great reminders around this as well. 

[00:42:00] Katherine: She's been so cute. That ball actually should have 

[00:42:02] Toliy: seen what she just did. Yes. Very cute. She had her paw on the ball uhhuh for like, I dunno, five, six seconds. Yeah. And then she just quickly rolled it and then, and then she like flipped it into her mouth. Oh.

[00:42:11] So like, basically 

[00:42:12] Katherine: played with like, just played with the ball on her own. It was very cute. And then she just roll, 

[00:42:15] Toliy: rolled over with the, with 

[00:42:16] eldar: did she, I mean, she is a perfect example of just having fun. Talk about having fun all the time of like nonstop fun. Like who's the enlightened one here? If you were to observe Right.

[00:42:26] Look at this thing. 

[00:42:27] Katherine: Always. Penny knows exactly what she wants. 

[00:42:30] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:42:31] Katherine: All at she goes for that at all times. 

[00:42:33] Joe: Yeah. Yeah. She does. 

[00:42:35] Katherine: Archie's a butt liquor. 

[00:42:38] Joe: He likes his 

[00:42:39] eldar: butt. 

[00:42:39] Katherine: He's a butt liquor. 

[00:42:41] eldar: Yeah. Hide it. Hide it. 

[00:42:45] Katherine: Stop it. Arch. No. 

[00:42:46] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:42:47] Katherine: No. 

[00:42:48] eldar: So babe. Is this helping helpful? 

[00:42:50] Katherine: It, it is. Say something and it's just, it's a hard, it's like a hard truth, but like, it's, it, you know, it's, it makes sense.

[00:42:57] I agree. It's just, yeah. It's, it's, it's hard to come outta that, that darkness and that hard shell that you've built up for whatever reason throughout your life, um, with all these, uh, you know, I don't know, like false, you know, notions or whatever, perceptions, you know, and you kind of build this like armor around yourself and it's not, it's not useful.

[00:43:21] It's not, it's not serving you. It's not serving me. 

[00:43:23] Yeah. 

[00:43:24] Um, so, um, yeah, it's interesting. It's interesting, like how do you actually become more curious and, and, and playful and fun with life and Yeah. You know, you know. Seems to be like the key to enjoying yourself and to living like a Yeah, like a better life, you know, a happier, more fulfilled life, and I'd like to hopefully get there someday, you know?

[00:43:46] Mm-hmm. 

[00:43:47] Not that I'm not grateful or, or happy in the moment, but like, I, I definitely have my moments of like, you know, I stumble, you know? Yeah. I feel like, you know, it reminds me that I still have a lot of work that I have that I'd like to do on myself that I have to do, you know? So, um, yeah. It's, it's interesting.

[00:44:08] eldar: Totally. What are your thoughts on this? Um, 'cause as the old saying goes, you said nothing so far. 

[00:44:15] Toliy: Yeah. Um, 

[00:44:19] eldar: you wanna do like a naughty protest against it? 

[00:44:23] Toliy: No. 

[00:44:23] eldar: Okay. 

[00:44:24] Toliy: No. Um,

[00:44:29] eldar: that's enough. I'll take it 

[00:44:32] Toliy: that a lot. Well, he's given us two sides far. So far. Yeah. To touch, touch the different points or? Well, I think that like, um, I think to the person in it, um, 

[00:44:42] eldar: in the what? In the sauce? 

[00:44:44] Toliy: Yeah. Okay. It doesn't feel like a, uh, choice. It know, like, it doesn't, like, you know, like o oftentimes we'll say like, hey, like you have to make a choice of how you wanna live, or, mm-hmm.

[00:44:54] But it doesn't feel like there's like a choice to make, you know? 

[00:44:56] eldar: I agree with that 

[00:44:57] Toliy: for, for the person at that time. Um, and, um, I don't think that you can do, you can do anything like, uh, or say anything like, uh, a logical to yourself, you know? 'cause logic doesn't really work to a non-logical situation. Hmm.

[00:45:16] You know, but you always try to apply it like, okay, like that makes sense. Okay. Like, this makes sense. You know? Um, and I think that that's because like the, um. The, the attention span is small. 

[00:45:29] eldar: I agree. 

[00:45:30] Toliy: Mm-hmm. You know, so like, it could definitely make sense right now, but, but be forgot tomorrow. This moment is gonna be gone literally in one moment.

[00:45:39] Mm-hmm. You know, like every time, this is what we talked about. Yeah. Switch, you know, so on, off. Um, I mean, I was just talking to him about it with Mike, like, like, on like a different subject, but, um, like for me, I'm a, I'm, I'm like a very overly analytical person on like a lot of things, you know, or like, I guess try to be, you know, but there's certain part parts of me that, um, like I can't speak lo logically too, because like, I'm not a logical person yet in, in that kind of like thing, you know, where like, I, like, I don't have a logical case, like against it, you know?

[00:46:18] Mm-hmm. So to, to me, I feel like, uh, like as far as playbook goes, like, yeah, I agree that definitely sharing is a big, um, salvation. Um, and then I think too, um, like the only thing that can be your illogical like thoughts on this, I think is like, um, like actual actions that will leave yourself with like, like, like no longer having like a, uh, decision or like a choice to like make, because like you actually did something and you actually changed something and then you actually like observed it and like, it makes so much sense that you don't even have to like, think about it like anymore, you know?

[00:47:05] I dunno if that makes sense, but 

[00:47:07] eldar: It does. But you know what came to mind, and I want to add this before I do that, um, you know, the phenomena that like, look, we can have this moment and we can get deeper. We can understand each other very clearly. Our reasonable side is on right now. Everybody's thinking, you know, and everybody's clear.

[00:47:21] Um, there's not enough of this. This is what's, that's the problem. The problem is that we're not immersed in study. 

[00:47:28] Toliy: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

[00:47:30] eldar: Okay. Ongoing study. The reason why, why, well, the reason why it's not enough. 'cause we're not choosing it to be enough. But the reason why constantly switching off, on and off the, we don't prolong our study long enough.

[00:47:43] Huh? 

[00:47:44] Toliy: You don't take it, um, seriously enough. Seriously. 

[00:47:45] eldar: Correct. You don't take it seriously enough, this specific thing in order for it to last. 

[00:47:50] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:47:51] eldar: And education obviously does that, you know, let's just say a subject, right? If you're just constantly drilling the subject, you know, you're learning, doing homework, learning, doing homework, reciting, reading, reciting, reading.

[00:48:02] It stays, it sticks. It's conditioning of the mind. Mm-hmm. Right. This is obviously we do this on Fridays. Right. One time. 

[00:48:10] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:48:11] eldar: You know, and ultimately it's not enough, you know, in order to really make leaps and bounds. I mean, over time it does add up for sure. 

[00:48:18] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:48:18] eldar: But without constant conversations, constant immersion in this kind of stuff, it's gonna be very difficult to make those types of shifts as you're talking about.

[00:48:26] Yeah. Where you can actually take action. 

[00:48:28] Toliy: Yeah. Yeah. I think it, like it, I don't see another way other than it being an everyday raising awareness thing because mm-hmm. You're gonna have an overwhelming amount, amount of habitual everyday mm-hmm. Mo moments that you're not choosing to do. Correct. That will outweigh your Friday podcast.

[00:48:45] Correct. You know of, of thinking. Correct. So you have to have. Enough times of you like 

[00:48:51] Katherine: Yeah. 

[00:48:52] Toliy: Battling and basically starting like Yeah. A daily war. 

[00:48:55] Katherine: It needs to be against your habit. Needs to battle, battle against all these habits. Yeah. Yeah. Your habitual 

[00:48:59] Toliy: like self and the way, ways of doing things. That's right.

[00:49:03] Yeah. And that like has to be every day up until it doesn't need to be out, up until like, there's no more debate. 

[00:49:09] Katherine: I remember, um, you know, um, when I first started therapy and I was like not feeling good about myself, like I was, you know, like I was just experiencing like depression and a lot of anxiety and I remember like talking about like self-awareness and basically having like auditors, like your own built-in auditors in your mind to, to try to stop all these negative thoughts, all these, you know, incoming things that are just like ruminating and whatever.

[00:49:40] We had a 

[00:49:40] eldar: self auditor here before too. Totally. Has a big self problem with those self 

[00:49:44] Katherine: auditor, you know, that kind of thing, you know? Mm-hmm. Like to to, to kind of know when to tell yourself, like, okay, enough, like, what's going on? And I remember tuning in and feeling like, okay, during that one visit once a week with her twice a week.

[00:49:59] But it wasn't enough at the time because I was like, okay, then the next day comes and I'm, what do I do? Going crazy? I'm overwhelmed. I'm, you know, I'm, you know, and then I realized like, okay, like I need more. Like I, I just once or twice a week. 

[00:50:14] eldar: But you had an emergency, that's why. 

[00:50:15] Katherine: No, for sure. It was an emergency situation.

[00:50:17] However, it's still like, in the moment in the conversation, it's all feeling great and like, yeah, this makes sense and I'm gonna try to do this. But then you're in real life every day and you realize mm-hmm. Okay. Like, okay, I'm really sick. I can't do this on my own. Yeah. But like, this is too, yeah. Like, yeah, you almost need like another supplement and you don't know Yeah.

[00:50:34] What it is or where to get it, or what's right or what's wrong, but like, you know, that you need something, you know? Yeah. So like, this is reminding me of that, like, that moment. And I think that like, yeah, like it's the, the educational portion of it. I don't know, for different people is different. Maybe it's religion, maybe it's some, you know, like a guide to how to live, you know, how you want, like in the, the morals or whatever.

[00:50:56] Oh, constant study. Like yeah. It's, um, it's interesting. But, you know, I agree. Yeah. 'cause if I'm left to my own devices, I'm just 

[00:51:04] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:51:04] Katherine: Resources, criminal. Just using the, the ones that are not working properly for me. Like, that's right. My habits are my resources. 

[00:51:11] Toliy: That's a very Well, the way you put it. Correct.

[00:51:13] But also I think that, um, like, I think you, the, the ideal scenario, um, for, for, for a couple of reasons is that like, I think you have a very hard time playing like security on yourself to try to constantly like have, like if you have the wrong thoughts coming in, trying to like. Battle them. 

[00:51:33] Katherine: Yeah. 

[00:51:34] Toliy: Um, like from 

[00:51:36] Katherine: to something that's how, has already been tainted basically.

[00:51:37] Yeah. The tainted person is trying to, you can't have a self 

[00:51:40] Mike: self savings account 

[00:51:43] Katherine: that's say inside joke. Only, only, only you guys will understand everybody else 

[00:51:47] eldar: is Credit savings. Credit Credit savings line. Yes. Yeah. Borrow from your 

[00:51:51] Toliy: own savings line. 1, 1, 1 of, one of the main reasons I think you'll have a hard time doing that is because like, the stamina that you would need to be on guard on that kind of level to like, disband all of those kinds of beliefs.

[00:52:04] You know? It's exhausting it. Yeah. You, it's, it's absolutely exhausting. Like it's too exhausting. And eventually the they're gonna win. Like it's, um, for sure. 

[00:52:12] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[00:52:13] Toliy: Like, but like, I, I definitely know firsthand from having a ton of anxiety. Like, there's plenty of times when, you know, I have it and I, and, and like, um, I didn't feel good then, but I feel better about it now.

[00:52:27] But like, I went and I acted on it, you know? It was extremely painful, like in the moment, you know, but I did it and I had to like, make, make, make a fool of myself and live with that, you know? 

[00:52:43] Katherine: Yeah. 

[00:52:43] Toliy: And like, yeah, like tho, tho those are moments, like in general, they're, they're definitely hard to forget. I couldn't like, um, like swat them away, you know?

[00:52:53] I had to act like, act, act, act on those like things. Yeah. Sometimes you 

[00:52:56] Katherine: just have to, 

[00:52:57] Toliy: you know, but I, but I did get value from doing that because like, um, I couldn't believe myself. I couldn't like, uh, like, like I couldn't believe what was actually real or not real. Mm. So I had to, um, double check. Yeah. I had to, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:53:13] I had to double check. Yeah. Maybe that's, 

[00:53:14] Katherine: that's how you learn, you know, like you needed to do that in order to be able to like, come out on the other side. 

[00:53:18] Toliy: Even yesterday, the, this was a small thing. I like, I didn't like ruminate on it, as you would say, for, for a long time. But before leaving the office. I checked at least 10 times whether the heater was off and if I unplugged it, and I knew for a fact, I unplugged it.

[00:53:38] Like I even went and I looked at the wire. 

[00:53:40] Katherine: Oh, yeah, that's, that's a regular day for me. And then as soon as I, 

[00:53:43] Toliy: then as soon as I got home, I'm like, 

[00:53:45] Katherine: did I do it? 

[00:53:46] Toliy: Is it off? 

[00:53:48] Katherine: Yeah. 

[00:53:49] Toliy: You 

[00:53:49] eldar: have an installed camera there for you or No? 

[00:53:51] Toliy: And then, uh, and then like, I, uh, I, uh, I, I, I even went to bed and I was like. What if it is on and like tomorrow morning, like there's like, there's no, no announcements that like, hey, like building's on fire, you know?

[00:54:03] Yeah, yeah. It's like that, that is, but then I'm like talking to myself. I'm like a perfect example. I fucking unplug that thing. Yeah. What's wrong with you? Like, there, there's no way. Like I unplugged it. Yeah. Not only is it off, it's not even about being off or on. You took 

[00:54:14] eldar: it and put it in a different room.

[00:54:16] Toliy: No, I didn't. Oh, no. You know, like I unplugged it and I had to go into my memory bank. I'm like, yo, you fucking looked at the wire? Yeah. Yeah. Not like. First off, I had to remember of you on, of you turning it off, like El turned it off. We spoke about it. Yeah, we spoke about it. Then I unplugged, like I had to replay all this in my head and then I was like, a part of me was like, I may not be able to fall asleep tonight because I might have to go check.

[00:54:38] No. Like I, I, I didn't wanna go check. This is a really good example, by the way. I'm not, I'm not ruling this out. Yeah. But it, it took me like, I don't know, like I I, I probably gave it a good half an hour in total, which, which is still like a good amount of time. That's still a good amount of time. Total.

[00:54:53] Total. Not straight. I'm like, I turned that shit off, you know? Yeah. It's fucking unplugged. I know it. Mm-hmm. Listen, if it 

[00:54:58] eldar: makes you, if it if brings more peace to you, I'm okay with you unplugging it and taking it home with you. 

[00:55:03] Toliy: Putting it in your car. Put it in your car. No. 

[00:55:06] eldar: And taking it inside your house and then bringing it back and forth to work every day.

[00:55:09] Yeah. 

[00:55:09] Toliy: No, no. That, how crazy would that And then when, when, when, like, I actually, like in the morning, I completely forgot about even thinking about this. Yeah. The other day. Yeah. And when I pulled up to the office, I'm like, they're burned down. I unplug it. I unplug it. Yeah. I literally, the only time I thought about it is when I pulled up and I'm like, oh, you were worried about last night.

[00:55:26] Whether you, you did that or not. Yeah. 

[00:55:28] eldar: You know? Yeah. But even if you left it on, it's like, yeah, for it to burn that thing down, it has to malfunction for, for like a good, like two 

[00:55:37] Toliy: minutes of my head. I'm like, wait. 

[00:55:38] Katherine: I was made to feel really bad in one of my previous jobs. I left it on one night, I forgot, or over the weekend, and someone walked in and they were like.

[00:55:47] That's really dangerous. Like, there could be like a circuit, I can't remember what they said, but it's very unlikely. And I started freaking out, but like, it was already too late. Like, 

[00:55:54] eldar: yeah, 

[00:55:55] Katherine: I'm already back in the office and I'm gonna keep it running. And it was Did, we did 

[00:55:58] eldar: that once in the, in the other office, in the basement.

[00:56:00] Yeah. I left it on, I, somebody left it on, it happens. I'll come back and the fucking room is hot. It's like a sauna. You know what I, 'cause it was running all night or whatever, you know? Mm-hmm. It's like, oh shit. But it didn't burn down. 

[00:56:11] Katherine: Yeah. No. But apparently it's dangerous, but yeah. No, it is. That's a great example.

[00:56:15] Totally. It's like, but it's so many people. Definitely. I have plenty of 

[00:56:18] Toliy: examples when I'm thinking this. 

[00:56:20] Katherine: Yeah. 

[00:56:20] Toliy: And I go and I, and I, and like, I need to go act it out. I need to go back to the office. Me too. To check me. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Mm. And, and like, um, like I, in general, for the most part, I don't have many of these things.

[00:56:33] Mm. Um, like, but wait, well you used to be a professional expert at this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Not even expert specialized. I've gotten special 

[00:56:40] Katherine: where I will tell myself like. Catherine, you already checked. There is no more checking Yeah. To be done. Like at this point. You've checked it already. Yeah. I I do, you know how many times I make sure that my, my door is locked?

[00:56:52] Like the one in the kitchen, for example. 'cause I'll let the dogs out or whatever. Yeah. I will go to a multiple and just do this and I'm like, like, because you're never in 

[00:57:02] eldar: the moment, you know, you are always somewhere else. Mm. Yeah. So the things that actually need to get done, or, or if I iron clothes, you don't believe yourself.

[00:57:09] Katherine: Yeah. If I iron close, it's like, oh, shoot, I, I didn't unplug it. And then I'm like, I did unplug it. 

[00:57:15] Toliy: I, I probably had at least 10 times in total over the last, like, um, I don't. Just amount of time, like since, since you like installed the, uh, the cameras 

[00:57:25] Katherine: mm-hmm. 

[00:57:26] Toliy: Where, when like, everybody left like late at night, I made sure that like, like I, like I would try to get a visual of whether like the pups went into the car or not.

[00:57:34] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:57:34] Toliy: You know, like that was, that was in my head. Like, oh. To 

[00:57:36] Katherine: get a visual of like, are they 

[00:57:37] Toliy: just Oh, yeah. He calls me 

[00:57:38] eldar: too. Just like, you know, nonchalance, like, Hey, what's up man? So how are the dogs? Saw all the dogs. I'm like, this motherfucker's doing this again. 

[00:57:44] Katherine: Oh, you know what it is? I know what it is. You know what it is?

[00:57:46] Oh, okay. Yeah. 

[00:57:47] eldar: He's not calling me to like, have a conversation. Yeah. And he'll, he'll try to like, have a conversation about something else and he's like, how's the dog? I like, yo, how is this relevant right now? You know? I know what's happening. They said they're fine. Yeah. I'm like, no, I actually lost them. I said this a couple times.

[00:58:00] I'm like, they're not here with me. You know, I'll bother him. 

[00:58:02] Toliy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when, when Penny finds that like smell and she tries to, you know. 

[00:58:07] Katherine: Yeah. Rolling it. Rolling it. 

[00:58:09] Yeah. 

[00:58:09] Toliy: Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like, you like, you go and I'm like, okay, like for this to happen, like you need to be like a complete retard.

[00:58:16] Yeah. And like leave them somewhere, which you've never done. 

[00:58:19] eldar: Yeah. 

[00:58:19] Toliy: But in that moment, like. You can't believe that. Like Yeah. You, you, like, you, you still have a chance that like, hey, like that could have happened. Yeah. Then it's like 15 degrees outside. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But yeah, thankfully I don't have like a very, like, that that, that thing with the heater was like, um, and, and it actually started because I didn't even think about it at first, but the first day we got it, Tara made, made a comment.

[00:58:44] She was like, what am I not gonna, now I'm gonna have to make sure that you turn it off every day. Yeah. Oh, wow. And that planted. Oh, 

[00:58:50] Katherine: she mushed you. 

[00:58:51] Toliy: And that planted like a little bit of in me. I'm like, oh shit. Chance, chance not be able. I'm not. I'm like, I'm not gonna remember. I will forget. Yeah. I'm like, this is what's gonna happen.

[00:59:00] Yeah. 

[00:59:00] eldar: Well you could get a second. See, she can be the second proof. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. You know? Yeah. So what you trying to say with this man? Nothing. No. 

[00:59:08] Katherine: It's a really good example. Totally. 

[00:59:10] eldar: Well bring it, bring it back to the point. Bring it home. You know what, uh, like why it's, 

[00:59:17] Mike: uh. Why'd you ring the example in the first place?

[00:59:19] Yeah. How is it tied to the discussion that, that, I don't remember, but rumination. I know 

[00:59:23] Katherine: it was tying really well, but I dunno. 

[00:59:25] Toliy: Yeah. Yeah. Kas, like, that's a very good example. She's just like, oh, I got a lot of them. It's, 

[00:59:30] Katherine: it's a, it's a, it's a good example of anxiety. I have plenty, but Ty back tying back. No, I, 

[00:59:35] Toliy: I was tying it back.

[00:59:36] I was, I was tying in the sense that Kat was giving, like an example of saying that she has to like, fend off the, like Yeah. Invisible friends, I friends Yeah. Demons that are like trying to bother her. Yeah. You know, at those times. Yeah. But I was saying that like, yeah, like, like, I, I, I, I still find it valuable also for you to act on those things.

[00:59:53] It's true. And observe yourself as the retard that you actually are in that moment. That's a good one. Yeah. Like, that's like a true Yeah. Yeah. You're actually being like an actual retard 

[01:00:03] Katherine: Yeah. In that moment. 

[01:00:04] Toliy: Yeah. You know, but you Yeah. You have to do it. You have to do it, you know? 

[01:00:08] Katherine: Yeah. 

[01:00:08] Toliy: Um, yeah. Go, go over there.

[01:00:10] It's also interesting to, to observe 

[01:00:12] Katherine: it and to realize like how sometimes something can be so. Annoying and stressful to you. Yeah. And then someone raises awareness. You raise awareness, whatever it is. Yeah. And then you, it's a non 

[01:00:23] eldar: thing. 

[01:00:23] Katherine: And then it's a non thing. I used to have this one thing, I'll give you an example.

[01:00:26] Maybe you deal with this because we all are homeowners and we have cameras, you know, and I would, since I am a bad sleeper, I, I hear all the sounds. I would hear something in the middle of the night. My heart would jump, or actually, no, I would say you, you know, you that, that deep pit feeling in your stomach mm-hmm.

[01:00:46] When you have like anxious, like, oh my God, something happened. Like, something's, something, someone's breaking in the house or whatever. And I would like go and open up, uh, the app with all the cameras and check multiple places and look at, to see if I see like, even like the wind moving or what, you know, I'm looking at a detail to see if anything's out there just to, to be an idiot and to realize like, there's absolutely nothing going on.

[01:01:08] My house is just making a noise and now I'm sitting here 20 minutes later and like I have a little bit of adrenaline, like possibly running through me now. I can't fall back asleep. You know, spoke to elder about it. I think I spoke to my therapist about it. Uh, she challenged me a little bit. Like, Hey, just how about challenge yourself?

[01:01:26] Try not opening up your phone at all and just see what happens. You know, elders like, you know, go, go empower yourself. Go, go get a gun license if that's gonna make you feel better. I started thinking about it and I'm like, I don't really. Wanna do that. You know, I stop checking my phone and it's not an issue anymore.

[01:01:45] I never reached for my phone. Well, that's the thing, right? The cameras. That's right. Uh, you know, like some, somehow it just stopped becoming an issue. How? 

[01:01:50] eldar: No, no, it didn't, it didn't happen 

[01:01:52] Katherine: overnight. 

[01:01:52] eldar: No, it's not somehow, 

[01:01:53] Katherine: but like, it's not, it's, it's a non-issue anymore. 

[01:01:56] eldar: I'm gonna bring awareness to this right now.

[01:01:58] You know why? 'cause I said, okay, you got a problem. Protect our family. 

[01:02:01] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:02:02] eldar: Go get a gun. Go get trained up and that's it. Feel empowered and I 

[01:02:06] Katherine: considered it. 

[01:02:06] eldar: Okay. Feel empowered. And the truth of the matter is, most of the time people ain't about that life. Yeah. They're not gonna do this shit. They're not gonna take the steps necessary.

[01:02:15] Right. To prove themselves or disprove themselves of this fucking fear of this nonsense. They just want to be in it. And when they voice it to individual like myself, who's gonna say, okay, let's take some actionable steps here. Are you willing to take action actionable steps? If not, I don't want to hear it.

[01:02:33] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:02:35] eldar: It's, it. And then guess what? Guess what happens? It all comes back to you and you are gonna be like, okay, do I wanna live with this shit or not? And you actually make, you make a choice yourself. An argument. 

[01:02:45] Katherine: Yeah. 

[01:02:46] eldar: You make a choice. Okay. Like, what's, what's the actual issue here? You know, am I ready?

[01:02:50] Am I about this life or not? You know, thug life, 

[01:02:55] Mike: what am I gonna do? 

[01:02:56] Katherine: Yeah. Yeah. 

[01:02:57] Mike: If you're really worried. Totally has a switchblade on his window. Cell side. Yeah, he did. He didn't make some action. Wait, what? 

[01:03:03] Katherine: Is that real? Is that true? 

[01:03:05] eldar: If you're really about it, then be about it. You know? Let's actually worry.

[01:03:09] Let's become doomsday preppers. Yeah. Let's get guns. You know what I mean? And be ready. Have a family ready plan. Yeah. But practice it. Mm-hmm. You jump out that window, I jump out that window. Dogs go here, we go here, we load our guns and we fucking go at it. I was definitely have a shootout. Have a shootout.

[01:03:24] You know what I'm saying? I'm ready out how 

[01:03:25] Katherine: I'm, you know what I'm saying? I'd rather just put a plastic, uh, bubble around the house. So Yeah. The, the evil doesn't come in and guess what? 

[01:03:33] eldar: Nothing. Right. There's where, where's the actions? 

[01:03:36] Katherine: Yeah. No, 

[01:03:37] eldar: it didn't just go away. No, no. It, we've addressed it. 

[01:03:39] Katherine: No, I've addressed it.

[01:03:40] Obviously, we've looked at it Right. Straight, but it's ing to, to look at it, you know, how much it would affect me back then to now, like now, you know. 

[01:03:49] eldar: Well, yeah. That's not an issue. That is why it's important to share this kind of stuff, right? Yeah. It's important to finally Right. To bring light to it and, and shine light to it, because then if you can't figure it out, somebody else is gonna challenge you in such a way where you're like, oh, I never thought about it that way, but I told you to go get a gun.

[01:04:05] You're like, oh shit. There's an option. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go get the biggest gun. Well, my friend today has a fucking ar. Like, I never, let's go get an ar. Never. I never 

[01:04:14] Katherine: wanted to, to like, to, to, like, I don't wanna ever have to get to the point where we have to defend ourselves. I'm just scared of the, but let's just here and 

[01:04:22] eldar: tremble 

[01:04:22] Katherine: knocking on our door.

[01:04:23] Mm-hmm. 

[01:04:23] eldar: Well, which one is it? We're just gonna allow them to come in and rape us, or are we gonna fight back? Like, 

[01:04:29] Mike: yeah, 

[01:04:29] eldar: let's choose something here. You know, let's get somewhere, 

[01:04:32] you know? 

[01:04:33] Well, the fear of the gun is also scary and anxiety. Yeah, 

[01:04:36] Toliy: sure. But you could get, you get, that's not even that you could get taught.

[01:04:39] The, the, uh, the, the reason why you can't get the gun is because if you get the gun, then you actually have to believe that there's like homeless intruders outside of your house trying to like Yeah. Kill you or stuff like that. Yeah. Like, you actually have to believe that, believe that life that you Yeah.

[01:04:56] Not that they're, there's just like running squirrels and raccoons and like Yeah. Ger gerbils and wind. Yeah. And falling sticks and wrenches. Yeah. Listen, like outside. Listen, if you, if 

[01:05:04] eldar: you know you're gonna fall, prepare it. Prepare yourself for the fall if you actually believe it. Mm-hmm. 

[01:05:10] Toliy: Yeah. 

[01:05:10] eldar: But you don't actually believe, if you don't, then you're an idiot.

[01:05:12] No. You know, then, okay, well then you deserve what's coming to you then. 

[01:05:15] Mike: Yeah. 

[01:05:16] eldar: You don't cry, you know. So these are the type of examples. So they don't just go away. I think that when you finally address them and look them straight up and challenge them, they dissipate because they don't serve any type of purpose anymore.

[01:05:32] You know? And you can't no longer say this stuff out loud to people because they, they're gonna look at you funny. They gonna be like, yo, we talked about this. Bring this up again to me. Now I'm gonna call you a retard. 

[01:05:43] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:05:44] eldar: And you can't say anything about it. 'cause it applies. 

[01:05:47] Katherine: Yeah. 

[01:05:49] eldar: Right. So what else we got, Mike?

[01:05:54] Did we free our inner child? 

[01:05:57] Did we do a good job? Or at least we said, why? Why? But we 

[01:06:01] Katherine: definitely, it's not free. We, we banged that in a child over the head with a pan 

[01:06:04] eldar: a little bit, at the 

[01:06:05] Mike: very least. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think we definitely should. We shook it up 

[01:06:08] eldar: a little bit. 

[01:06:08] Mike: Yeah. 

[01:06:09] eldar: It's in prison.

[01:06:10] Mm-hmm. It's supposed to be in prison. Yeah. Because of our stupidity. Yes. Our ignorance. You know, but it's 

[01:06:16] Katherine: where it's supposed to be. 

[01:06:17] eldar: It's exactly where it's supposed to be. It's, that's the truth. You know what I mean? Uh, there's, if you keep following the trail, I think you find the key to it. 

[01:06:25] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:06:25] eldar: But with enough practice, with enough study, you know, trial and error.

[01:06:32] Toliy: I think also the, uh, the, uh, difficulty is that like when we're, um, being raised and we're growing up and we're, we're a aging, um, like we're, um, there is talks in school and whatever about being, you know, creative or like, you know, doing, like doing stuff like that. But for the most part, societal influence, friend influence, TV influence is to, um, fit a particular mold and follow a particular set of rules, right?

[01:07:03] Mm-hmm. Um, and, uh, the longer you age and you continue to do that, if you're thinking in individual, eventually. You will not find comfort living in that kind of way. 'cause I think it's naturally supposed to be an uncomfortable way. Like why are you going to either like fit a particular mold or follow particular rules that are just like society is telling you or people are selling, telling you, or TV is telling you, or social media is telling you, but you will inevitably feel uncomfortable in your own skin to, to be that way.

[01:07:41] Um, and I think that's when you try to 

[01:07:46] Joe: like address doing something to do things like, you know, your way, you know, um, 

[01:07:56] Toliy: but it's really hard to go around the set of rules that you feel are real. Yeah. You made yourself believe them. You know, 

[01:08:04] Katherine: the schemas. Yeah. Remember? Yeah. It's like the schema. Yeah. 

[01:08:07] Toliy: Yeah. And like for, for maybe for for cats thing like.

[01:08:11] If she feels like she needs to like cook or do particular things. Yeah. These are particular rules, I think, in her head. Mm. Yeah. That she has, I know. Yeah. That are like this, this is it, this is what it's supposed to be. Yeah. And when that's not happening, it's like, oh, either you're gonna get in trouble, you're not following the, the rules.

[01:08:27] Mm-hmm. 

[01:08:27] Katherine: But you're not 

[01:08:28] Toliy: putting like your belief or your stamp on it as to how you want to do things or how you want to live, or Correct. How you wanna 

[01:08:35] eldar: Yeah. 

[01:08:36] Toliy: Do things and you don't Yeah. Like, you're not, like, you feel like you're not allowed, like, like you, you feel like, I think that you're not allowed to have your own rules to this, that you need to follow someone else's.

[01:08:48] And I think Well, that's, that's 

[01:08:49] eldar: because 

[01:08:50] Toliy: she's not empowered. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever you're starting to think about things or stuff like that, when you're following someone else's rules, you're, um, you're bound to feel shitty. 

[01:09:00] eldar: Yeah. 

[01:09:01] Toliy: Hmm. 

[01:09:01] You know? Yeah. 

[01:09:03] Mm-hmm. 

[01:09:04] Mike's trunk has a whole pecan. A pork tenderloin and a, like a salami in the ba in the, in the back.

[01:09:10] You know, like, we got food covered. Yeah. Covered. 

[01:09:15] eldar: Yeah. You know, I mean, you know, we, I I, I've been telling her that we're in a position where this is supposed to be a non-issue. This is not one of those friction points where we have to be talking about. 

[01:09:26] Katherine: Yeah. Emphasizing it's, it's gotten a lot better. 

[01:09:29] eldar: No, yeah.

[01:09:30] You know, it, I've, I'm 

[01:09:32] Katherine: much better on it. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I think that, um, if I'm just real, like I've, I've been thinking on it if I'm just realistic with myself, like I have these times where like, I have no issue doing it. It's not stressful. Yeah. And then I have days like, like right now, I'm like in a, in a moment like a little blip where I'm like, I don't know what to cook.

[01:09:56] Like nothing is coming to me. Yeah. That's it. A lot of times, like it's easy, like, oh, okay, I'm gonna grab the ground Turkey and I'll do this and I'll, you know, through, do this throughout the week. Then right now, like, and I have this, it happens where I'm just like, I don't even know what to cook. You know?

[01:10:11] I'll ask you like, Hey, do you want me to cook something that I haven't made in a while? Mm-hmm. Or like, you know, to give me an idea or whatever. Yeah. Um, and I just accepting you for what it is. Like, okay. Right now I don't feel like cooking. I felt the pressure because my cousin might be coming over on Sunday and I'm thinking, okay, what can I buy?

[01:10:26] A couple of things. Yeah. So that maybe, you know, like, I can, I can prepare this or just have options. But see again, 

[01:10:32] eldar: a pressure. I have pressure. 

[01:10:33] Katherine: Yes. I, I put, I put the pressure on myself. Here you are 

[01:10:36] eldar: inviting people over trying to have fun. Yeah. But you are getting pressure. 

[01:10:41] Katherine: Yeah. Yeah. 

[01:10:41] eldar: That means that 

[01:10:43] Toliy: you won't have fun.

[01:10:43] Katherine: Well, my cousin invited herself. 

[01:10:46] Toliy: Yeah. It's like, it's like, yeah. 

[01:10:48] Katherine: But yeah. But also, um, I think that one thing is that like, I've also been cooking a little bit more because I've been more mindful about how I'm eating and it's kind of working out like it, I've been feeling pretty good about it. So I think that there's like, maybe, like, it's a little bit more important to me now to, to like, you know, maybe have some home-cooked meals.

[01:11:11] I'm not anti eating out, but like, you know, just cooking more and having more handle on what I'm preparing and what I'm making. So I feel like maybe I've, like, in a way, like I've stopped stressing, you know, we've had that conversation where there's like, look, it's not, it's, it's a non-issue for me, but maybe I've put a different kind of importance on it that is still maybe creating an expectation 

[01:11:33] Mike: for yourself.

[01:11:34] Yeah. Out of it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, of course. So 

[01:11:35] Katherine: I think that's, that's important too, the 

[01:11:37] Mike: value proposition 

[01:11:37] eldar: of the stress. The value. 

[01:11:39] Katherine: Yeah. 

[01:11:40] eldar: We always talk about this, right? We've talked about many times, right? Uh, what's actually killing you is the stress mm-hmm. Itself, right? Or is it smoking? 

[01:11:51] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:11:52] eldar: Classic example.

[01:11:53] Yeah. 

[01:11:53] Katherine: Yeah. That's what, why do we 

[01:11:55] eldar: have anomalies where people fucking smoke all their lives, not a cancer, nothing, and they smoke. Why? Yeah. But then we have don smoke and stress. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, so what is it? 

[01:12:08] Toliy: Hmm. That, that, that's the always like, the best part about like the, uh, the, uh, the best part about like anxiety or, or, or stress or a lot of things that don't make sense is that you, you just end up signing up to suffer twice.

[01:12:21] Yes. You know? Yes. One time was a pretend time. Yes. Yeah. And the second time later is a real time is a real time. Yeah. You only wanna cry once. I know. Or, or my, my favorite, my favorite anxieties are the ones that you, you suffer a pretend one, and then actually the real one never happens. Never comes across.

[01:12:38] So like, if you didn't have that anxiety, then you, you wouldn't suffer. Well, that's, so that's the whole 

[01:12:41] Katherine: thing with anxiety. Yeah. Is you suffer things that are in the future that have never happened. Mm-hmm. Or maybe will probably never happen, you know? Yep. And you suffer them like as if it was happening.

[01:12:50] It's, it's very interesting. That's a 

[01:12:52] Mike: doozy. It's a fitting punishment for a sinner. 

[01:12:56] eldar: It is. It is. Yeah. And when we start looking at it realistically as to like, okay, like I'm the actual person, I'm the prisoner, I'm the guard, I'm everything. Yeah. I'm the judge. You're the prisoner, but you're the 

[01:13:08] Katherine: person holding the key.

[01:13:09] Toliy: Yes. You know, on the, it's 

[01:13:11] Katherine: on the inside. It's unreal. 

[01:13:13] Toliy: The problem that happens if you don't share, I think, 

[01:13:16] Katherine: yeah, I agree. 'cause also, no, I agree that it's important. What happens 

[01:13:19] Toliy: if you don't share? I, I am, I think like, this is one of like the biggest things that I think happens that like, if you don't share that problem that you have, you're gonna end up going about.

[01:13:31] So like, you're gonna, you're gonna go ahead and solve that problem in, in your head, your own self. And when you have these problems, you're, if you go ahead around solving them on, on your own, but you're not like, like you kind of know that you're not good, good at it. Like at certain moments. Right. Um. You will actually almost never share anymore because you will feel that you, you, you do have what it takes already to solve them on your own and not bring awareness to it.

[01:13:57] That you have their own tools. Yeah. And then you'll just fall into that forever hole perpetual loop. Yeah. Of, of being Yeah. Your own judge, your own like auditor, like your own thing. Which, which I think like eventually you wanna get to a point where you can solve your own problems and you can think about your own things.

[01:14:14] Well, yeah. But I think it takes a lot of work to, um, to get to that place. Yeah. And, and, and like, feels that way. Yeah. Yeah. Like there, like why do things on your own when you, when you have like able and willing hands to help like, you, you know, it's like, it's like, sure. You can probably like, you know, so what's 

[01:14:37] Katherine: the preferred method?

[01:14:38] Do you guys want me to buzz you? Text you? Mm-hmm. Uh, smoke signal. See the fun. 

[01:14:43] Toliy: The funny thing is that, um, we can give you like 10 different methods. I think it's, I don't think it's like the, like, um, it's 

[01:14:52] Katherine: not the method. 

[01:14:53] Toliy: No. It's like, um, like, like, it's like a funny thing. It's like, hey, well, like, okay, like how do you want, you know, what's the best way for you to do this?

[01:14:59] But like, I feel like you could give any answer here. Nothing will apply. Mm-hmm. Well, well, well, well, no, it's not even that. Like I'm more skeptical that the person will actually do it. That's what I'm saying. Like if you said, Hey, uh, I'd be fine if you call me at three in the morning. Yes, 

[01:15:12] eldar: yes. Correct. 

[01:15:13] Toliy: Like, I'm more skeptical.

[01:15:14] It doesn't matter. I'm not worried about getting a call, call at three in the morning. You 

[01:15:16] eldar: zero friction. Yeah. Zero. Yeah. Like 

[01:15:18] Toliy: mm-hmm. You could say like, Hey, uh, anytime, any place, anywhere, anytime. Call. Right. Like, there's no chance you will. It's on you every single time. 

[01:15:28] eldar: Obvious. You know why? Because your arrogance, like he described before Yes.

[01:15:32] No, it's obvious is a lot bigger Yeah. Than the actual action behind it. 

[01:15:35] Toliy: Yeah. That's why when, um, elder's, cousin went back to Greece, because he said, because he said, um, he said, yeah, before he makes every single decision. He's gonna actually call Eldar beforehand. So, because he knows that if he calls Eldar, he's gonna make a good decision.

[01:15:51] And he said he was going to do this or not. And I'd like to ask El times. I'm looking forward, I'm 

[01:15:56] eldar: looking forward to it. How many months ago was this? 

[01:15:58] Toliy: Uh, he left, what, in March? 

[01:15:59] eldar: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh my 

[01:16:00] Katherine: gosh. March all. I'm looking 

[01:16:01] eldar: forward to it. Yeah. 

[01:16:03] Toliy: And he and he didn't call once? 

[01:16:04] eldar: No, he did call once for No, no, he called for a different request.

[01:16:07] Oh. For a different request. Okay. Okay. 

[01:16:09] Toliy: But I'm not, but what I'm saying in this specific one, he didn't call Not once, right? 

[01:16:12] eldar: Mm-hmm. Well, no, maybe once, 

[01:16:14] Toliy: but yeah, he called me once. Once actually. Yeah. And some, some people might be like, oh, well, like, like, how's he gonna call? Elder i's gonna be like, like busy.

[01:16:22] But like the, the, the bet that you can always make is that the other person is not gonna do it. 

[01:16:27] eldar: Yeah. Plus I'm like, you could say, yeah. For this kinda shit. I'm always available. Yeah. Are you kidding me? 

[01:16:31] Toliy: Yeah. Yeah. It's never a problem about, are you 

[01:16:33] eldar: kidding 

[01:16:33] Toliy: me? Being available? The, the, the problem is like, it's gonna be way harder for you to.

[01:16:38] Um, to follow through. To follow, yeah. To like lower the arrogance and follow through and actually say like, Hey, like, even though this is such like, small Yeah. Thing. The, the, the, the hardest part about the sharing thing is that you need to share ridiculous things. Totally. Didn't know how to wipe his ass 

[01:16:53] Katherine: well.

[01:16:53] It's all ridiculous. Yeah. 

[01:16:55] eldar: That's a good example. He used to crumble the paper in his hand like this, and then used the little thing, like a ball, like a Bali. How? How do you know this? Well, this was, I mean, this was shared with us and then he would tell us that his butthole would bleed and then he'll say, yo, you don't bleed from your ass.

[01:17:11] Why 

[01:17:11] Katherine: are you talking about this right now? 

[01:17:13] eldar: Well, we talk. This is important. This is a good example. No, totally. 

[01:17:17] Katherine: I have all the examples. Ease all. He say 

[01:17:20] eldar: like, my butthole bleeds and it hurts. I'm like, wait, what do you mean hurts? Like, I don't have this. Are 

[01:17:24] Katherine: you joking or is this real? No, this is real, Mike. 

[01:17:27] eldar: This is real.

[01:17:27] Mike's right there. Yes. Had this, I could probably pull up the videos when this happens, you know? I have it on video probably. I can't remember you talking about this. And I'm like, how's your ass bleeds? Every time, like he's like, I don't know, like it hurts, you know? And I'm like, how do you wipe your, and you know, it came to like, how do you wipe your ass?

[01:17:42] And he told me like, he crumbles, like, you know, imagine elusive paper crumbled, but what you 

[01:17:46] Katherine: doing this crumble like this? He's just moving his finger so awkward know. And then you take that little 

[01:17:49] eldar: ballie and you go like this, you know? And every time you have to create, I flipped it like, I'm like, how many ballies, how many ballies do you need to create?

[01:17:57] How, in order to, how many do you go through my question? You know what in order to do this? But you know, when you create these ballies, the edges are everywhere. So you are actually, uh, razor A blade, what's his name? Gimme yourself. Paper cuts in your ass. You know what I mean? 

[01:18:13] Joe: So he would bleed. 

[01:18:14] Mike: So then I thought you were gonna say he was chocolate on his fingers.

[01:18:16] Well, 

[01:18:18] Katherine: I, he was going this, yeah, that's why I thought he was saying that one. That's a, that's a 

[01:18:22] eldar: hundred percent. So maybe totally wouldn't have shared that part. But that wasn't the bleeding part. You know what I mean? Wasn't that was the painful part. That's just a different issue. We'll talk about that one later.

[01:18:29] Yeah. Just 

[01:18:31] Joe: cosmetic. That was just cosmetic. Yeah, cosmetic. 

[01:18:35] eldar: You know. So then we found out that that was the issue. And then when we showed him that like, you gotta fold the damn thing, he's like, yo, that changed his life. It stopped bleeding from his ass. Can you believe this? No, I cannot. Well, there you go.

[01:18:48] Like the most ridiculous examples, the smallest ones sometimes carry the biggest changes that can happen in your life. 

[01:18:53] Katherine: Tilly, how did you feel sharing that with the guys? 

[01:18:57] eldar: Remember, this was like 10 years ago. Yeah, it was a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah. It it, and he's only 32. Just for, for the record. So up until then you would make a ball.

[01:19:05] So that wasn when he was 16. 

[01:19:06] Katherine: Now, now you do like the nice sheets. Yeah. 

[01:19:08] Joe: Now 

[01:19:09] Toliy: yeah. Down. 

[01:19:09] eldar: He upgraded to wipes. He said. Now I'm a 

[01:19:11] Katherine: white person also. Also, you can, you know, there's, there's rough toilet paper out there. Yeah. But there's some brands that are, especially if you, at Mike's house, 

[01:19:18] eldar: Mike's, we upgrade.

[01:19:19] You're getting a bloody ass regardless of how you fold it. Oh, we upgraded. Yeah. You, you guys don't use the sandpaper No more sandpaper. Yeah. No. 

[01:19:26] Katherine: Yeah, yeah. I know what that sandpapers like. Yeah. 

[01:19:29] eldar: Okay, so you switch around. So yeah, so, so. That's a good example. Very. That's a ridiculous example. But as you, you know, you find out that you living life doing weird things to yourself.

[01:19:38] Katherine: It's true. And you're 

[01:19:39] eldar: suffering. You don't know. Yeah. You know what I mean? You want to throw out the cups the other day because she thought there was holes in cups. You see like small little things like that. Throw out the cups. 

[01:19:48] Mike: I remember something like that, but, 

[01:19:49] eldar: but there was a water drippage from the tea bag.

[01:19:51] Yeah. 

[01:19:51] Mike: Got tea bag. Yeah. 

[01:19:52] eldar: Those small things just 

[01:19:53] Mike: like that. I think she just wanted to go shopping. I'll be honest. That's true 

[01:19:56] eldar: too. Perhaps maybe. I saw like a Black Friday deal. Yeah. Alright, so final thoughts.

[01:20:04] One second. I think we got a, we got a call. Got a hot, hello? 

[01:20:12] Oh. 

[01:20:14] Joe: Oh, you hear me? Yeah. Yeah. 

[01:20:16] eldar: The poop story. 

[01:20:17] Can you hear me? 

[01:20:18] Joe: Yes, we can hear you. Yes, Joe, we hear you. Hey Joe. 

[01:20:20] Hey. I listening live over here and I had to call in. 

[01:20:23] Yeah, you, you shut the be at all. 

[01:20:25] Katherine: Was that story crazy or what? 

[01:20:28] Joe: Totally. You didn't know this Totally bad.

[01:20:32] Surprising 

[01:20:33] news. I didn't know this. 

[01:20:35] eldar: Yeah. If you were, if you were to 22 

[01:20:37] Joe: years, you were bleeding. 

[01:20:38] eldar: Yeah. How much, imagine how much blood he lost, bro. Throughout the years. 

[01:20:42] Joe: It must have been anemic. Yeah. I got this, this today. I'm gonna, I'm gonna gift you for Christmas. 

[01:20:49] eldar: Oh, nice. 

[01:20:52] Joe: You right up the hole. No blood.

[01:20:54] eldar: Yes. Yes. That's my favorite. Now, nowadays, 

[01:20:59] Joe: I told Mike totally doesn't, he's not living life to the fullest yet. You know, there's still some of his life. It's, 

[01:21:08] Toliy: yeah. Do do you, do you use a bide Joe? 

[01:21:13] Joe: What's that? 

[01:21:13] eldar: Do you use a b? 

[01:21:17] Joe: I started using the bidet during, uh, during the, uh, the coronavirus. Everyone there was on toilet paper, so I pivoted, you know.

[01:21:25] Oh, oh. That 

[01:21:26] Katherine: was your reason I thought you were 

[01:21:28] eldar: using bidet to protect yourself from the coronavirus. He said that you, he thought that you were using the bidet to protect yourself from the coronavirus. 

[01:21:38] Joe: No, I didn't wanna go out to the stores and try over toilet, so I ordered it today. 

[01:21:42] eldar: Nice. That's what's up.

[01:21:43] You see smart. I haven't haven 

[01:21:45] Joe: it since. 

[01:21:45] Katherine: That is, uh, 

[01:21:46] eldar: that's good. Good way to 

[01:21:47] Joe: address. Yeah. That was, that was the, that was the most wild. 

[01:21:50] Katherine: Yeah, that was the wildest story. I couldn't believe Elda was bringing this up right now. 

[01:21:54] Joe: Listen, 

[01:21:54] I got a 

[01:21:55] Katherine: lot of stories like this. I thought he was trolling. No, I'm not trolling.

[01:21:58] I didn't think you were being real. 

[01:21:59] Joe: This is serious. 

[01:22:00] The funny part was that have funny, fat, thought it was 

[01:22:03] Katherine: real. I really thought he was fabricating this story. 

[01:22:06] eldar: No, it was real. We liberated his butt, his retard butt. 

[01:22:13] Joe: Hey man, we all just, we don't just teach philosophical things that, that's right. 

[01:22:17] eldar: One day we'll tell you a story how Joey used to shove shit into a bowling ball and prank little kids.

[01:22:25] That was disgusting, Joe. I just pictured, I just remember that video, Joe. You fucking put the, they took the, the hands off and they're like, what the fuck? And they smell, they all smell it too. Where do like they have to do this, 

[01:22:37] Katherine: get the, where do 

[01:22:38] you even 

[01:22:38] eldar: get the idea? He, he found some bowling balls. He stuffed shit in it, dog shit or whatever.

[01:22:43] And the kids on the street, they're like, oh, bowling ball. You know? And they're gonna stick their fingers in it, you know? And you know that's who comes up with these videos. Joking. Came up with it. Yes. I can't believe it. 

[01:22:52] Joe: So across the street from my junior high school, I had nothing but time in my head. Oh, that's right.

[01:22:56] Crazy. Came outta school. 

[01:22:58] eldar: Yeah. Somebody's gonna do this, Joe Watch. They're gonna put this on YouTube after they listen to our shit. 

[01:23:04] Joe: Hey man, your kids gotta grow up at some point. Not 22 years old, but definitely, you know. 

[01:23:09] eldar: Yeah. 

[01:23:10] Joe: Game. 

[01:23:11] eldar: Yeah, 

[01:23:12] Joe: I did. I did them a service. 

[01:23:13] eldar: Yeah. Alright, Joe. Sounds good. Thank you, Joe.

[01:23:18] Thank you. See dedicated listener. Sorry. No. Yeah. So, so you made them laugh. All right, guys, what are the final thoughts on our inner child? What are your suggestions, babe? What do you think? Where do you start? Where do you go? It's clearly in there somewhere deeply buried from all this nonsense that we talked about.

[01:23:39] Do you want to bring it out? 

[01:23:40] Katherine: I'd, I'd like to get to know that inner child you'd like 

[01:23:42] eldar: to hear For sure. 

[01:23:43] Katherine: Like to get to know them. Mm-hmm. Um, I'm battling a lot of, I guess, you know, a lot of, um, nonsense. Mm-hmm. Like, I would say that like, you know, just like invades my mind all the time. Um, yeah. Trying to calm down, trying to be more in the moment.

[01:24:00] Yeah. Uh, being outspoken with the nonsense, you know, so that you guys can help me check it is important. Yeah. I, yeah, it's, it's, yeah, it's a lot. It's definitely a lot. Okay. Um, but, um, I'm grateful. For this, for this safe space. Yeah. I can speak about these things, yes. Where I can be a 

[01:24:23] eldar: retard and you not be judged.

[01:24:24] But you 

[01:24:24] Katherine: guys can have my back and, and challenge me and tell me what, you know, what, what, what the actionable steps are. So, mm-hmm. 

[01:24:32] Toliy: We'll see. 

[01:24:32] Katherine: Okay. Yeah, I 

[01:24:33] Toliy: think that the, uh, the, the people on that, what, what, what was that app that we were on before where we were like chatting with people? Clubhouse.

[01:24:41] Clubhouse. Yeah. I think those people ruined the word safe space. 

[01:24:44] eldar: They ruined it. Yeah, it definitely overused and all that stuff. Yeah. They have no idea what the fuck that is. Mike, what are your thoughts? No, 

[01:24:51] Mike: I got nothing. I mean, yeah. Chad made a statement on Yeah, you agree? I agree. See, see what happens.

[01:24:58] Totally. Um, 

[01:25:02] Toliy: yeah, I think that like the, the, uh, um, it's an interesting challenge to play with yourself. Like, like to, like to, to go against like the logical or illogical like. Parts of you to like, see what's actually making sense or, or, or not. Um, because once you actually win, like those battles, you, you, you could definitely have like this overall a lot more, uh, freedom, free freedom and like freedom, fun and like, what's it, you're like, uh, yeah, like there, there's way more self like engagement than like actual, like people being caged.

[01:25:40] Correct. You know? Yeah, 

[01:25:41] Katherine: yeah, yeah. 

[01:25:41] Toliy: Um, but it, it's like what, like, which, which, which I think is like hard to like realize is that like whatever prisons you feel that you're in now, like as you discover your prisons, you find more prisons that like you don't even know about right now you participate in.

[01:25:57] Yeah, that's a good point. So, one thing that, like, I definitely have experienced many times, like as you grow as like a person, sometimes you feel like you regress almost, or like you go back down. But I just think that like you discover more things and you're just more like. Like, um, like you're more ed out to, to, to being that way or like living that way.

[01:26:20] Yeah. But you're just like discovering more shit that like was still happening, but you didn't realize it before. Therefore, to you it feels like either like a new thing or maybe like, yeah. Yeah. That's why I think this journey 

[01:26:32] Katherine: is a forever journey, right? There's always something to learn from. Well, yeah. I think 

[01:26:36] Toliy: in general it's a forever journey, but I do think that you can get to a point where you're, you're like, good way, way, way.

[01:26:43] Like, like not like a, not even close ways out the, uh, bad stuff, you know? And you don't have like this up, down, like, like the up down thing is like the, uh, the, um, the prisons that you're still in, that you're subs like subscribing to and you're choosing to like be a part of. 

[01:27:03] Katherine: Mm. 

[01:27:03] Toliy: Um, and I feel like as you remove those things, you don't, you won't have that up down feeling because when like you have these prisons, like you have like a huge um.

[01:27:14] Disparity like in your life. Like the good things are really good and the bad things feel way more bad now as you develop yourself. Where like before the bad things were like, no big deal. Oh, okay. Like this, no big deal. It was regular. Yeah. The bad thing to you was regular. Now the bad is really bad, even though it's like just as bad as before.

[01:27:33] Different, but it's more magnified. It different. Yeah. It seems different because you have such a good somewhere else, you know? Yeah. So, um, yeah, like I feel like it, it, I, I, I think it, it'll, it'll only get more painful and more difficult, but then at the same time, I think you'll be better prepared to, uh, to deal with it, you know?

[01:27:52] Mm-hmm. Okay. 

[01:27:56] Mike: Yeah. I think if you're already experiencing those moments, that's a sign you're on the, on the good trail. 

[01:28:00] Joe: Yeah. 

[01:28:01] Toliy: It, it's, 

[01:28:01] Joe: yeah. It's just very evolved. 

[01:28:03] Mike: Painful. It is, but I think it's normal. Yeah. You, you cry. Uh, everybody cries. You know, twice, because when you're crying, when you're suffering unconscious, subconscious, like, uh, what is it?

[01:28:16] Not subconsciously, but unconsciously, like, you are not like you're violating yourself, but you don't know it. That's, you're crying now currently. But then when it, when you bring it to light and those moments when you fall, you cry again. 'cause you thought, damn, like I thought I overcame this. Or, uh, now it's a conscious suffering versus like a 

[01:28:38] Katherine: Yeah.

[01:28:38] Mike: So that also happens, but it, 

[01:28:40] Katherine: it feels like, you know, how you take, uh, sometimes you take two steps forward mm-hmm. And then 10 steps back. Yeah. It, it, it's so incredibly like, but that's 

[01:28:49] Mike: actually not the case. 

[01:28:50] Katherine: Yeah. Because 

[01:28:51] Mike: you're already so far ahead that uh, it's not the same steps. Being conscious and suffering and not conscious is too completely, it's different, 

[01:28:59] Katherine: different 

[01:29:00] Mike: sides.

[01:29:01] You know, being able to consciously suffer. Is showing that you are actually aware of what's happening. You observing it a lot of times, which is software. We don't know why. Here you already can have an op. You're having the opportunity to find out and to change it potentially. So it's much more than, it's not, you're not taking a step back.

[01:29:21] It's just this is the second, this is the third step, second coming. Second 

[01:29:24] eldar: coming third common, right? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you guys are done. I think what totally said is very important. Uh, there's one word that he used. He said, ick. Um, the faster you raise awareness to yourself, the more ick you're gonna get from yourself, and I think that's what you should strive for.

[01:29:44] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:29:45] eldar: Right? To get an ick from yourself, pretty much unsubscribe from yourself. Some of these things like, yeah, I don't like this. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah. This fucking pisses me off. Oh, ugh. When you start getting enough of these icks, you start to challenge these things to try to replace them with something else.

[01:29:59] You don't 

[01:29:59] Katherine: wanna actually change them. Yes. Yeah. 

[01:30:00] eldar: So. You have to raise awareness. Those its right now are on, on automatic pilot. Mm-hmm. On automatic pilot. Slowly, slowly, slowly. Yeah. Obviously I raise awareness on some of the stuff. You know, I have some of these examples. I have another example if you want to hear.

[01:30:16] It's funny too. Maybe I, I'll leave it for next time, but, um, I try my best, you know, when your nonsense comes across my desk. Yeah. Right. And when you try to oppress me with it, 

[01:30:28] Katherine: right. 

[01:30:28] eldar: You know, I shoot it down, we get into an argument or whatever it is we fight. 

[01:30:32] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:30:32] eldar: You know, a accordance to whatever it is that, that is being said, I can do that.

[01:30:37] But ultimately, like totally said, there's a lot of things going on that you don't even know about. 

[01:30:41] Katherine: Yeah. Yeah. 

[01:30:42] eldar: But the ones that you try to find, you know, regular, uh, regular in your life, you have to keep raising awareness, speaking about it, talking about it to your therapist, to us, whatever. Bringing 'em to light in order to finally get that ick.

[01:30:55] When you get the ick is when you start digging. And when you start digging, you're gonna finally be like, okay, enough is enough. I'm gonna try to replace this with a different response and then practice that response and see how it serves you. And that's, those are my final thoughts. So, yeah. Okay. So strive to get the ick.

[01:31:11] Yeah. Strive, strive. Go, go. Actually see that stuff through. Go, go for the 30th, 40th time. Turn off that light, or whatever it is that you forgot in the house, go do it. Mm-hmm. Like an idiot. Drive back home. You know what I mean? Do it. Find yourself to be as ridiculous as possible and see it, see that face.

[01:31:28] Katherine: Mm-hmm. 

[01:31:29] eldar: You know what I mean? Like, like I said, the gun thing, right. Defending ourselves. That came across my desk. So I was like, okay, so we're gonna talk about it. We're gonna have a serious conversation. And we did. And now you're not bothered by that anymore. You know what I'm saying? If you keep bringing stuff to me, I'll raise awareness for sure, and we'll deal with it.

[01:31:48] But if I, if you don't, you are on your own. You have to discover those things, find them, and then battle them.

[01:31:57] Okay. 

[01:31:58] Katherine: Fair enough. 

[01:31:58] Toliy: Yeah. That, that's always an interesting thing. Like if you, um, share like the anxiety, the person that's not anxious is gonna give you like the, like the ridiculous option. Like 

[01:32:08] Katherine: Yeah. 

[01:32:08] Toliy: Getting a gun, it's gonna makes sense and there's no way you're gonna do it because you're like, even though like, like we could be dumb enough to go for the, for like, to think about the anxiety, we're not dumb enough to take the actual action as to like 

[01:32:22] Katherine: Yeah.

[01:32:23] Toliy: Like what, what the solution to actually is. Yeah. If you actually feel that kind of way. And the thing 

[01:32:27] Katherine: getting the gun is not really Yeah. Helping like the root cause of this. Yeah. Yeah. Or, or if you stopping the anxiety, okay, 

[01:32:33] Toliy: let's move. Yeah, yeah. What are you gonna do? Let's sell the house and go Yeah.

[01:32:40] eldar: Yeah. Get a new door, self protected, fucking crazy bulletproof or whatever. Like 8,000 locking mechanisms. Yeah. And disguise the wall. I'm, wall, I'm not opposed to 

[01:32:50] Katherine: that option. You know what I'm saying? 

[01:32:52] eldar: Go do the research. You know what I mean? Go do it. Find it, you know, do the legwork then. Right? Yeah. And 

[01:32:58] Toliy: then, and then it's also like if you get that, like obviously it's gonna be something that stands out.

[01:33:03] Yeah. Everyone that comes over is like, Hey, what, what, what is that? Get this door. Actually, there was uh, some chipmunks and wind Yeah. You know, in the backyard that motivated, decided to get a, like a, uh, bank security lock. Mm-hmm. To prevent it. Like that Sounds kind of cool. You have to then explain yourself every time.

[01:33:17] Mike: Yeah. You have to be then about it. You could get a safe room in the house too. Yeah. I heard that's popular these days. Mm-hmm. 

[01:33:25] Katherine: I've seen some cool ones on, uh, listen, I want to get a cool, 

[01:33:27] eldar: what's what I wanna do is, again, one day get a cool, what's his name? Um, a bunker. You know, people build bunkers and stuff, uh, and it's completely like sound insulated and all this other shit.

[01:33:36] You make all this noise or whatever. I saw this cool 

[01:33:38] Mike: thing where in the kitchen you not for like bu bombing all shit kitchen thing. They open, uh, like they move. So what would be the counter out? Hang out on the counter? Yeah. Have you seen 

[01:33:46] Katherine: this? It's on the counter. You go 

[01:33:47] Mike: downstairs like a chill room? Yeah.

[01:33:49] Like, like it'll 

[01:33:50] Katherine: be like your kitchen island. 

[01:33:51] Mike: Yeah. Mm-hmm. And it'll 

[01:33:52] Katherine: have like a little contraption, like a little mm-hmm. It'll look like it's a real island, but actually one side will like open and it's like a secret stairs to, to like. 

[01:34:00] eldar: Chill space, you 

[01:34:01] Katherine: know, like that nobody knows about except you. Yeah. So like if you need it for safety or whatever you want, you have it.

[01:34:07] eldar: Okay. 

[01:34:08] Katherine: Yeah. People do cool things with that stuff. 

[01:34:09] eldar: Alright guys, well thank you. This was great. I think we, uh, definitely cracked at it. And maybe our inner retard has a chance. Yes. 

[01:34:17] Katherine: Child, inner child. 

[01:34:19] eldar: Okay.